CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

The organisers are worried that as more and more countries boycott the event, Israel will be the only one left and will win by default. Then Netanyahu won't have to spend most of Israel's GNP on getting the vote out. (They came 'second' this year.)

N.B. Israel is not in Europe, tell them.

[Mick Harper]

'You're stupid on stilts.'
'No, you're stupid on stilts.'

[Mick Harper]

An exciting development today. Going through my Substack numbers I discovered somebody had 'viewed' half a dozen of my stories. This is the one statistic you can trust because nobody would do that unless they found each story worth clicking on the next.

News that there is someone out there who finds me worth clicking will carry me along for several years.

[Mick Harper]

I was reading in bed late at night when the lights flickered and died. Immediately I knew why. My mind raced to join up the dots. I can't remember exactly what they were now, something to do with insufficiencies in the base load, because it was actually my Kindle turning itself off after me staring at the same page too long, lost in thought.

[Mick Harper]

The trend line has reverted to norm on Substack. Not a single person has viewed any of my stories. Just the sort of news I need first thing on a Monday morning to buck my ideas up. You can get complacent in this game.

[Mick Harper]

'The hottest May day since records began.'
'Britain was hotter than the Maldives yesterday.'
'They had run out of deckchairs in the Royal parks.'

You've all heard the standard clichés that get rolled out every time we have a spot of decent weather. The one I'm waiting for is 'Eyebrows were raised about the new fashion, spotted in Notting Hill and Camden Town, for shopping naked. Opinion was divided whether socks and sandals added to or detracted from the overall effect.'

[Mick Harper]

The one person not heard from as the top dogs of the Labour Party manoeuvre for post-Starmer power is Rachel Reeves. When news came through that the Finance Minister of Benin had just won 94% of the popular vote in their presidential election, Ms Reeves is said to have said to her team, 'Benin could be our new Rwanda.'

[Mick Harper]

I write down ideas that occur to me in a little notebook so, every morning, I'll be able to leap out of bed and start posting up things. Yesterday I didn't 'note' anything, hence today I had no choice but to turn over and go back to sleep.

Then I realised I could use this very experience but it was too late, I'd fallen asleep. When I woke up I was faced with the same problem but this time I had the solution ready and waiting. However, it's the nuclear option, you can only use it once.

[Mick Harper]

For his birthday treat, President Kennedy fucks Marilyn Monroe in her dressing room, after which she goes on stage and sings 'Happy Birthday, Mr President', then the president's kid brother gets to fuck Marilyn Monroe in her dressing room. The liberals are in ecstasies of joy.

For his birthday treat, President Trump erects a giant cage on the White House lawn and is inviting anyone who wants to take him on, to try their luck. The liberals are in ecstasies of hate.

If my brother ever becomes President I know which of these I'd prefer. He'd stand no chance what with his liberal attitude to fisticuffs.

[Mick Harper]

They've found a new way to persecute me! Substack have started removing the 'likes' from my stories. None of them were more than one to start with, so this seems unnecessarily harsh.

[Mick Harper]

Don't all rush out at once but pistachio-flavoured Magnums are in your store now. It's like when strawberry Mivvies came out.

[Mick Harper]

They say billionaires never pay enough taxes in America but the way I see it is they spend all their money either running for office themselves or sticking it into superPACs supporting causes and candidates close to their hearts.

It's not redistribution of wealth the way we would understand it but it will be interesting to see what happens should we acquire a home-grown billionaire. They'll probably buy a part-share in a football club, or something like that.