CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Yes, it's finally arrived! Our new book An Unreliable History of the Second World War hits the bookstands on 1st August 2018, a date that will live in infamy. If you don't have a bookstand handy it's here at Amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unreliable-History-Second-World-War/dp/0954291131/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1531511121&sr=1-4&keywords=m+j+harper

[Mick Harper]

Why is it, no matter how sternly I tuck it in, the corner of my fitted sheet has come off during the night? It's not poltergeists, I've checked.

[Boreades]

#1 son is a font of useless information. (Just like his Dad).
But just occasionally, there's a gem in the dross. (Just like his Dad).
Who said that?

The gem today was about the most popular foreign languages that people are learning around the world. Meaning not their own language.

Like, in Pakistan, the most popular foreign language is French. Why?
And the same in Australia. It's French. Why?
And in New Zealand, it's Spanish. Why?



And the second most popular languages.



Assuming people have a choice(?) in what they are learning. or even if they have no choice? It shows some interesting shifts.

[Mick Harper]

There are two AE rules about this. First off, English is the only language that should be learned as a second language since it is the world language. Second, English-speakers shouldn't waste their time learning any second language because a) apart from English, there is no other language that has much functionality and b) even spending five years at school, one lesson per day, learning that language means you can't speak it with any functionality anyway.

There are two caveats. If you have a functional need to learn a language, go ahead. According to Trust Me, I'm a Doctor last night, learning a second language has brain benefits, especially for older people.

[Mick Harper]

As you know, I try to avoid organic foodstuffs on account of their close associations with manure, compost heaps and my brother. But Tesco only had organic Black Peppercorns. They weren't Fair Trade so I took a chance.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

You can't carbon date porcelain (I assume) china but you can carbon date the tea stains, if it was used contemporaneously. If it comes out at about the right date you can provisionally accept it as no forger could stain a pot with the requisite tea leaves. Bear in mind maharajahs were well known for keeping about the place -- as the wags put it -- 'old tat for new houris' so a much earlier date than expected is acceptable. Alternatively you could use argon luminescence and while that would destroy the pot you would be vindicated in the eyes of orthodoxy whichever way the verdict went.

Perhaps we could assist more if you told us how it came into your possession. A car boot sale is by no means exclusionary in these sorts of cases but if your wife is a Butt, that would carry more weight. You have not been charged for this advice.

[Mick Harper]

I know you're all busy people but it will only take five minutes.

[Grant]

I realise that some people here believe some goofy things but you now believe that women have penises?

[Mick Harper]

I must confess I don't understand these new gender divisions. Too old I expect. I'm not completely comfortable with gay men yet so what chance have I got with these more exotic members of the sexual galère?

I was watching a quite promising (i.e. entirely baffling) Australian conspiracy thriller on Netflix when the Security Service turned up in the person of a (I take it) gender-reassessed man-to-woman. The first problem was being able to listen to someone who looked and sounded like a man but who was dressed as and believed herself to be a woman. (But now I come to think about it, he may have been a cross-dressing straight man as per Grayson Perry on Late Night Extra.) I wanted to take the situation at face value but I kept being distracted by questions like

1. Would any security service, much less Ocker MI5, already be recruiting trans people?
2. Would an actor playing a trans person have to be himself/ herself a trans person?
3. Am I expected to factor the trans factor into the plot or is this going to be determinedly irrelevant?
4. Can I safely assume s/he won't be a baddie for PC reasons?
5. S/he seems to be an old mucker of the heroine/investigator, but is this for explicatory purposes (essential in conspiracy thrillers) or is it intrinsic to the story line?

But by this time I had lost the plot and decided to check out the new season Bojack Horseman instead. A horse playing the ex-star of a kids' sit com I can handle without breaking sweat.

[Mick Harper]

Here in London we've got some new plasticky things filled with liquid soap (and possibly other things, it says Bold 3-in-1) which you just lob into your washing machine, stick your clothes on top, press the button and that's it! But take care when they do roll the concept out to your neighbourhood because, try as you might, you won't be able to find it afterwards. It has somehow become warp and woof with your clothes.

This clearly defies a number of physical laws so I live in dread that the plasticky bit will pop out of one of my turn-ups next time I'm at a big function, no doubt to everyone's vast amusement. Hence I would dearly like to go back to my big box of powder if only Tesco would allow me to.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Am I the only one pissed off by the irritating use of trope?

I still don't know what it means, but it's something like idea or trait when used by someone wanting to sound clever.

Aaargh. Thinking about it and posting , is just making it worse. The modern trope to use trope to sound important....is really doing my head in. It's trope bollox.

Can Admin boot off all those that use trope. Starting with me.

[admin]

Yes, agreed. No mention of tropes from today.

[Mick Harper]

If you read carefully, that wasn't his plea for help.

[Hatty]

No mention of 'trope' unless you explain what it is you're trying to say. While we're here, there are bound to be other meaningless but important-sounding words that cover up lack of clarity.