CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Somebody clapped for one of my Medium stories yesterday despite them collectively registering nil readers. That's the kind of fan I like. Reminds me of my mum.

'I'm so proud of you, Mick. I don't have to read it.'
'Yes, but who are you prouder of, me or Pete?'

[Mick Harper]

A tricky set of decisions are coming up this summer. I'll probably be going by train to Cornwall for the annual family hols. At the moment, Trainline is showing a steady£148 for the roundtrip at the relevant dates in September. An oldies railcard will get a third off that and costs £35. A no-brainer? Not necessarily.

The price will bob and weave throughout the summer, depending in part on whether the Iran War gets settled and the staycation market crashes. If the price gets down to a wunner it would render the rail card a no-brainer the other way. Checking twice a day, every day, for four months will mean I'll either need a holiday or I won't be in a fit state to go on one.

The smart move might be to learn to drive. But I have no idea how much it would cost getting to Cornwall. and back. It depends partly on the price of petrol in September so we're back to the Iran War.

[Mick Harper]

Now All Is Clear

I discovered from the man himself when he was addressing an anti-anti-Semitic rally. Keir Starmer's wife is Jewish. She is clearly an Israeli plant. They have a training school in the Negev. These 'sireens' are placed 'in the way' of all up and coming lefty nerds (who find it wretchedly difficult talking to women) and the rest is... well, you've seen it for yourselves.

[Mick Harper]

I was going to say, 'It's Wednesday the 13th, the day all AE-ists dread' when I realised it was Tuesday. But now I've got a feeling it's Wednesday after all. There is a slim possibility it is Thursday. It's not an easy thing to check.*

* When I'm doing my weekly supermarket shop I frequently have to stop someone and ask, 'What's the date today,' in order to know whether to buy something with a propinqual sell-by date. I am greatly heartened when they reply, 'Hold on, I'll look it up.'

[Mick Harper]

Last year we were told Windows Ten was not going to be updated any more. We sighed and ploughed on regardless. Earlier this year Microsoft had a change of heart and gave us a whole raft of updates--I know, I like to watch as the whirly thing whirls. We grinned and ploughed on regardless.

This morning I got the little orange spot and joyfully stopped doing what I was doing and pressed the old close down and restart button. It was disappointingly brief but I sighed and ploughed on regardless.

Not two hours later, the orange spot returned! This time it was equally brief but I took the precaution afterwards of actually shutting down my computer, going off for a cup-and-a-slice, and starting up from scratch. But I'm worried. Did they forget something first time round? Did the patch need patching? It suggests lack of focus, if nothing else. Do Bill & Co know what they're doing?

Unless putting the frighteners up me to get me to buy Windows Eleven is exactly what they wanted to do. Shan't!

[Mick Harper]

You will recall I forecast disaster when Nescafe withdrew from the retail market for coffee capsules and threw us to the internet wolves. It has come to pass.

I assumed Amazon was man enough for the job so gave them my usual order of Americano Heavy and Costa Rican Heavier Espresso. They couldn't manage. One got sent promptly the other had to be outsourced. Two deliveries is one inconvenience too many in my book. You might as well grow your own.

Not that I got the second delivery. For some reason Amazon was trusting Royal Mail. That meant the usual: a series of mildly contradictory emails saying when they were going to deliver my Americano boxes, finishing with an email saying they had. This is because they don't like to hang around waiting while you come to the door, like ordinary couriers do, they leave the box outside the door and claim you were out.

It was a small mercy they'd told me at all. Mostly they leave me to discover it in my own good time. Except something new this time! They'd put it in my 'safespace'. I didn't know I had one. How exciting, they can't mean my offshore bank account. A few minutes scouting round the bins hasn't revealed it and a three foot by two foot box is hard to miss.

But I shall widen the search area today, they may have meant next door's garden. You can lob any number of coffee capsules over the wall. 'Heavy' refers to the caffeine content.

[Mick Harper]

Found it!

[Mick Harper]

Another of those inexplicable Medium statistical oddities. I have been bumping along for the whole of May getting between one and two reads and six-to-eight views (they provide a graph). Until today: one read and thirty-three views. Not for any story I have posted up this month, not that I have for several days.

But somewhere in the world twenty-five or so strangers suddenly took it into their heads to view but not to read one of my stories. If anyone can explain this I'd be much obliged.

[Mick Harper]

Here's how to save on post-it notes. Say you've got two things in your diary but you haven't got a diary. Write the first one, 'Friday 15th May 1 pm Mediterraneo' at the top of a post-it note and stick it on your computer. It will soon unstick and sort of curl up so you see it constantly as you go about your computer business. You won't forget it.

Write the other one, Bathroom People 12th June, upside down at the other end of the post-it note. That will be obscured by the curl so you won't feel stressed and confused. As soon as it's the 16th of May, turn the post-it note the other way round.

[Mick Harper]

Another of those Substack statistical oddities. Someone liked a story of mine without viewing it. He took my talent on trust, something I have increasingly to do myself.

[Mick Harper]

The New Economics

A stall on the Portobello was selling fancy bread and I'm always in the market for that. "I'll take a French peasant rye mix white," I said.
"Certainly, sir... ah, it's £3.80. Sorry, we don't accept cards for any purchase under four pounds."
"Oh, well, in that case I'm sorry..."
"But since it's late Saturday afternoon we're selling all loaves at two pounds, so I'll throw in a French peasant rye mix wholemeal, and that'll be four pounds the two, okay?"
"Absolutely. Do you take American Express Platinum Cards?"

[Mick Harper]

While I was strolling down the Portobello (I had to make a detour to Holland & Barrett's for some organic ginger cordial) I couldn't help noticing people are talking on their mobiles without any external evidence they are using their mobiles. The wonders of modern technology!

However, I quickly realised this is giving carte blanche to those nutters who go round shouting out imaginary conversations with people the rest of us cannot see. Which in turn gave me an idea for a brand new medium of instruction. You pretend you're a nutter only instead of random raving you start giving AE lectures.

People will pick up a snippet or two, be intrigued, and start following you (at a safe distance) to hear more. Soon there will an entire gaggle of souls seeking enlightenment. In my case some sort of palanquin will have to be provided or I'll be out of puff by the time we reach Tesco but it could work.

[Mick Harper]

I hate it when I burst into a room shouting "Get a load of this" and they're not just already eating it they've moved onto something else. I have to pretend I was being satirical but few are fooled. So it is with KitKat Hazelnut. Despite your mockery, I will be giving a review.

As soon as I've worked out how to open it. There is the word OPEN at one end with an arrow, and when you follow the arrow you find the word CLOSE and another arrow. Neither tells you what to do next.

I could just rip it open haphazardly but, since I've never had to think about opening a KitKat before, it must be important.

[Mick Harper]

About average.

[Mick Harper]

Why did we come last, with but a single vote, at the Eurovision Song Contest? One word. Keir Starmer.