AE on Telly News (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Yes, that's the unique aspect of this case. Normally 'victims' have to go through some kind of adversarial process to get their loot. It keeps the numbers down (and separates the genuine from the bogus to some extent). In this case it was

[Mick Harper]

For the twenty-eighth year in a row Virgin TV has not remembered the Americans change their clocks on a different day to us. Me missing Anderson Cooper is small beer compared to Virgin Atlantic arriving an hour after their slot and told they'll just have to fly back to London.

Fortunately Richard Branson has a fleet of VC-10 air-refuelling tankers kept in a holding pattern over JFK for this very purpose. He told the Fatal Accident Enquiry in Prestwick.

[Mick Harper]

It's the 1980's and a bloke you used to go to school with is the centre half for your local team, Hartlefield Rovers. You ring him up as you do every year to see if he can blag you a cup final ticket. And, like every year, he tells you to f-off.

[Mick Harper]

Anderson Cooper: How has Israel reacted to the ceasefire agreed two hours ago?
CNN's Man in Tel Aviv: We're just ducking into the shelter, Anderson, there's some cluster munitions exploding.

[Mick Harper]

Eagerly turning to my small hours (my time) CNN for the latest unfoldings in these breathless times, I get an hour of a space dubry thing bobbing up and down in the ocean off San Diego (Anderson Cooper) and another hour of it bobbing up and down after that (Kaitlan Collins).

I couldn't stay up any longer but I understand they managed to undo the top bit, you know where the astronauts come out. You'll remember it from the sixties. They had the right spanner and everything.

[Mick Harper]

Victoria Derbyshire: Donald Trump said Leo only became pope because of him. You were in the conclave, is that true?
Cardinal Ratcliffe: Of course it isn't. We chose him because he was a good and gentle man.
Mick Harper: Of course it's true and you know this perfectly well. It may be politic to deny it, but lying is still a sin.
Victoria Derbyshire: Pope Leo said he wasn't a politician.
Mick Harper: That's two of them telling porkies.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

That's not what I said. That's not what Cardinal "The Card" Ratcliffe said. He specifically denied that Trump's presence in the White House was causally connected to Leo being chosen Pope.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Adam Henson: What made you give up normal beef farming?
Farmer: I was determined to go in for rare breed cattle.
Adam Henson: It's a very worthy cause. Which breed did you choose?
Farmer: Belted Galloways.
Adam Henson: Why was that?
Farmer: Well, you can offload them so easily. Everybody's doing rare breeds nowadays -- the market for specialty beef is off the scale--and Belted Galloways is what everyone chooses.

This is not, I agree, a verbatim account of the Countryfile exchange but it was certainly the impression I gained. You can't move for rare breeds once you cross the M25.

[Mick Harper]

Adam Henson Jnr: What made you give up normal dairy farming?
Farmer's son: I was determined to go in for rare breed cattle.
Adam Henson Jnr: It's a very worthy cause. Which breed did you choose?
Farmer's son: Holstein/Frisian crosses.

[Mick Harper]

You've got to feel sorry for Channel 4 News and Newsnight.

* Both knew they were duty bound to give the Welsh a fair crack at the cherry by devoting a night to them before the Welsh Assembly elections.
* Both thought a quiet Tuesday would do the trick.
* Both assembled a gaggle of Welsh worthies for a studio special in Cardiff.
* Both realised that, as it happened, it was the day when the British government was tottering and it was all hands to the pump in London.
* Both understood they couldn't send the Welsh packing without getting slaughtered.
* Both made a balls-up. Channel 4 News spent the whole fifty minutes discussing beef prices on hill farms etc while the nation was anxious to find out if their government was still in office. Newsnight tacked on something derisory at the end.

[Mick Harper]

The Tyranny of Live Pictures (1)

When we're getting extended helicopter shots (or these days drone shots) in, say, bike races, why do programme editors not blank out the insistent, and frankly intrusive, noise of the rotors, engines or whatever? Do they think we might not know where the camera is? Are they anxious to remind us of how much money they're spending to provide us with pictures?

They don't do it with the motorcycles who bring us the actual race even though that noise is part of the race. No cyclist has ever waved a fist at a drone and shouted, "Get away from me, you effing nuisance" in Flemish. [Though it is said crafty local helicopter pilots assist local cyclists with a bit of downdraft from time to time.]

No doubt just another piece of insane verité from the post-modern artistes who plague our lives. When, oh when, is the post-post-modern age due to arrive? The day after my funeral probably. That will need air shots to give an impression of the sheer scale of sobbing mourners. Not that anyone will be at home to watch them, they'll all be there live. Which is more than I can say for etc etc.

[Mick Harper]

The Tyranny of Live Pictures (2)

Notice how the MSM (Telly Division) is leading Iran War coverage by showing IRGC zealots shinning up rope ladders to take over two hapless ships. It is totally irrelevant to the war itself, Iran has closed the Strait and anyone who thinks they can get through is a total pratt. But if they do, so what?

You wouldn't know this from the breathless voice-over. Since they're running it because it's exciting, they have to justify doing so by upping the news ante. It's evidence the whole ceasefire is breaking down, Iran is irredeemably wicked, Trump must do something... some damn thing.

Relax, guys, it's just penny-ha'penny blockade-runners running a blockade and failing. It's part and parcel. Happens every time. You can read all about it in any Hornblower book.

[Mick Harper]

Victoria Derbyshire: As his biographer, what did you think of the King's reception when he addressed the two house of Congress?
David Dimbleby: I don't think any other British citizen would have been so warmly welcomed.

Far be it from me etc etc, but the one thing Charles is not is 'a citizen'. Americans are citizens of their country because it is a republic. That's why they broke away two hundred and fifty years ago--they didn't want to be 'subjects' of one of Charles' predecessors.

We here are subjects. Though we can call ourselves citizens as well if we choose, it's a free country, Charles can't. If he decides to be a citizen-king he will find out what happens to citizen-kings soon enough.