CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Ever since 1973 we've been forced to eat Herta frankfurters because they've got EU Protected Designation of Origin status which makes as much sense as having to buy sausages from Sausalito. Now we have left we are still forced to eat German because nobody outside the Frankfurter Bund knows what meat goes into a frankfurter. The irony is that after the reunification of Germany Frankfurt an der Oder fought Frankfurt am Rhein for Designation of Frankfurt status and that case in ongoing. Or off-coming in the case of gourmet frankfurters.

[Wile E. Coyote]

We went to a German market, there were frankfurters but no actual Germans. I was going to complain but decided not to as the traders seemed more friendly than the Germans I had argued with over the last sun lounger on our holiday in Crete.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Wile E. Coyote]

Brooke, Owen, Sassoon, Graves, Bono.

I reckon it wasn't as bad as folks say. Surely the others started with a couple of naff ones? You only remember the classics.

He should stick with it.

[Mick Harper]

Sa soon?

[Mick Harper]

Ready for a repeat Harpo-rant? No? Tough.

Like the rest of you only more so because I'm a recluse, I depend on parcel deliveries. If it's a normal delivery outfit (DHL, Yodel etc) I know I'll get my parcel on time, every time. Except for a snafu maybe one in ten and a multi-snafu one in ten of them. Though I have to say my greatest snafu of all time was when UPS was delivering fifty copies of one of my newly-printed books and I had to get them out on a strict timeline because the Publishing Date was on Amazon.

I told UPS via several different routes not to deliver the books in the three days I was scattering my mum's ashes all over Guernsey (and all over some hapless foreigner when my brother was scattering his portion) so UPS delivered the books on the first day, tried to redeliver on the second day and once more on the third. Whereupon and as per their terms and conditions, they held the books for seven days at their warehouse (despite my frantic entreaties) before returning the books to the surprised printers. That was the reason, and no other, why the book was an abject failure.

Now see what you've done. I'll have to postpone the actual gripe for later.

[Mick Harper]

All these delivery companies have one thing in common. Not being an ex-nationalised utility. Unlike Parcelforce, Royal Mail, the Post Office, EMS and other names they skulk under. Whenever I know any of these are anywhere in the chain I batten down the hatches because snafus are not only the rule rather than the exception but sorting the snafu is going to take all day, everyday for several days. Weeks if they can help it.

Take the current one. Three times over two weeks (they say) they have tried to deliver a very small package. Each time they could just shove it through the letter box (like everyone else does). Or leave it on the doorstep if they don't know what a letterbox looks like (like everyone else does). Or ring somebody else's bell in the house like everyone else does. (Mostly mine if it's for someone else.) They might, just might, leave a card to show they've been on one of the occasions because Parcelforce's systems require you to have that card when trying to arrange a redelivery.

'Insufficient address' is all I can glean from their website's account of my ickle package's wanderungen around parts of London I never knew existed. But I am making progress. Today I found an automated woman who wants to know my address and gets it right apart from every time I say 78B she reads back 78A which is a separate building with inmates seldom there and probably where my package has been going and will continue to go. But I doubt it, it's far too close to where it's supposed to go.

Why does anyone use these services? The poor gits who sent me the package are having a hard time of it as well. When oh when are the government going to pull the plug and make Parcelforce an ex-ex-nationalised utility? Or re-nationalise Royal Mail and then sell it bodily to a proper delivery company. The Queen won't object to losing the royal name. She's having nightmares getting her internet haemorrhoid pills, she tells me. "Which Buckingham Palace do you mean, your majesty?" is all she can get out of them.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Helpful chess advice of the week

Can I become a WGM (Woman Grand master) if I claim to be transgender?

Lasker 190 replies:

You can't become a WGM unless you are a pretty damn good chess player. Judging by your ratings, hacking off your genitallia won't help.

[Mick Harper]

You're just saying that off the top of your head, Wiley. Try it and report back. As Alex Ferguson, a keen chess player, said, "It's squeaky voice time."

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Here's quite a nifty idea gleaned from medium.com. It's called the Rule of Seven, and is pure AE

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Wile E. Coyote]

Is Kate Windsor chanelling her love of Russian Cosmonauts?

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

To take in some midday sun and forget about the evils of Putin's war, we drank chilled glasses of Kalimotxo, here on the balcony of Mandela Towers. I tried mine with a slice of lime, my wife wisely stayed with lemon. Perfect.