CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

The second most exciting thing today was Nescafe Dolce Gusto offering me a loyalty bonus. Since I drink the muck six times a day, I thought, 'That's for you, darling boy.' Even more off my bulk buys.

After an hour and a half working out how to register I discovered the loyalty bonus was either (a) entry into a lottery for a watch I don't need or (b) twenty per cent off a visit to some place I don't want to go or (c) twenty per cent off some summer wear I wouldn't be seen dead in.

The satisfaction in managing to register was prize enough.

[Mick Harper]

I was asked my age today by a bloke who had agreed to haul my shopping trolley up the steps outside my house. I said I was seventy-nine. It sounded better than seventy-eight which is, to my mind, somewhat wishy-washy. I think I will stick with it for a few years.

PS I didn't know how old I actually was. Seventy-nine was a bit of a stab in the dark, having been taken by surprise. (If you say you don't know they take you off to a home.) I was impressed at how accurate my guess was when I worked it out later. Though a bit depressed too. I thought I was a bit younger to be honest.

[Mick Harper]

The Roman Republic changed its prime minister every year and conquered the known world. Something to think about there.

[Mick Harper]

The Land That Time Forgot

[Mick Harper]

Just a reminder that Auckland's long awaited five billion NZDs city centre loop is opening in a few weeks, so hurry on down there to get an early impression. I would advise getting on at the main city centre station, Waitamata, then via Te Waihorotiu and Karanga-a Hape, you can join the main line at Maungawhatu (formerly Mount Eden station).

There are diacritics on some of those letters but I can't reproduce them on my English-language keyboard. In fact, New Zealand's public transport system does few favours to English-speakers, understandably favouring the local language. What we used to call Maori but it's probably called something else now.

I did ask a 'Maori' I had spotted but she didn't know and couldn't speak it. Actually she seemed a bit put out at being asked but that often happens when I approach young women in public spaces.

[Mick Harper]

As you know, I am forever seeking out new fast food opportunities on your behalf (and, whisper it, my own). I was, for example, an early adopter when Kentucky Fried Chicken added small pots of coleslaw to their range of toothsome delights.

But there are limits. Sticky BBQ Drip is a step I will never take.

[Mick Harper]

Spot The Missing Metro Competition

[Mick Harper]

What about London, Mick? Yes, all right, I changed it at the last minute. What I was really aspiring to was to be the first person in the world to set a Missing Metro competition. They're hard to miss. Except apparently in Baltimore so I've probably failed even in that paltry ambition. Will it never end?

[Mick Harper]

Breakthrough for Breakfast/Elevenses/Lunch

Cook spaghetti until al dente
Heat two tablespoons, jar of Dolmio Bolognese sauce
Mix together, no laying it on the top bollocks
Wolf down, it's so delish
Get chronic indigestion.

[Mick Harper]

Everyone's wearing a Wes Streeting haircut round here. A style last seen when conscription ended and people coming out of the army had to disguise their 'short, back and sides'. It's given me a problem since I haven't got enough hair even for that and I don't want small boys throwing stones at me.

I could get a Wes Streeting wig, I suppose, but I'm hoping I can get away with wearing my homburg and tipping it just a little bit when encountering women and so forth. It will be something else by this time next year. Let's hope it's not an 'Angela Rayner'.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Appearances matter.

Many years back, we got a Labour MP swept in by the enthusiam for New Labour. Newly elected, he trogged off to Westminster, full of his own good ideas, keen to tell the Blairite leadership about. Anyway, Mandelson listened for about 30 seconds, told him to smarten himself up, and shave off his beard, as Mandy thought it made him look shifty, and then sent him back on his way with a pager, so he could be kept on message. He is a life peer now.

[Mick Harper]

In the spring of 1941, the RAF ordered work on the Whittle jet engine to be down-graded to non-priority i.e. put on hold for the duration. However they acknowledged the jet engine (a) was of fundamental importance and (b) would likely play a decisive part in winning the war.

It being the only fundamental change in motive power that has ever occurred in the whole history of aeroplanes, the RAF were correct to believe (a) but, as things turned out, wrong to believe (b).

So they compromised and sent two Whittle engines to America for them to tinker with. Our go-go cousins had the Bell X59A up and running in no time. But left it at that.

What is even weirder is the Germans took the same decision with their jet engine at the exact same time. Though they didn't have anyone to send it to so eventually turned to Messerschmitt to produce the glorious Me-262.