CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

The second most exciting thing today was Nescafe Dolce Gusto offering me a loyalty bonus. Since I drink the muck six times a day, I thought, 'That's for you, darling boy.' Even more off my bulk buys.

After an hour and a half working out how to register I discovered the loyalty bonus was either (a) entry into a lottery for a watch I don't need or (b) twenty per cent off a visit to some place I don't want to go or (c) twenty per cent off some summer wear I wouldn't be seen dead in.

The satisfaction in managing to register was prize enough.

[Mick Harper]

I was asked my age today by a bloke who had agreed to haul my shopping trolley up the steps outside my house. I said I was seventy-nine. It sounded better than seventy-eight which is, to my mind, somewhat wishy-washy. I think I will stick with it for a few years.

PS I didn't know how old I actually was. Seventy-nine was a bit of a stab in the dark, having been taken by surprise. (If you say you don't know they haul you off to a home.) I was impressed at how accurate my guess was when I worked it out later. Though a bit depressed too. I thought I was a bit younger to be honest.

[Mick Harper]

The Roman Republic changed its prime minister every year and conquered the known world. Something to think about there.

[Mick Harper]

The Land That Time Forgot

[Mick Harper]

Just a reminder that Auckland's long awaited five billion NZDs city centre loop is opening in a few weeks, so hurry on down there to get an early impression. I would advise getting on at the main city centre station, Waitamata, then via Te Waihorotiu and Karanga-a Hape, you can join the main line at Maungawhatu (formerly Mount Eden station).

There are diacritics on some of those letters but I can't reproduce them on my English-language keyboard. In fact, New Zealand's public transport system does few favours to English-speakers, understandably favouring the local language. What we used to call Maori but it's probably called something else now.

I did ask a 'Maori' I had spotted but she didn't know and couldn't speak it. Actually she seemed a bit put out at being asked but that often happens when I approach young women in public spaces.

[Mick Harper]

As you know, I am forever seeking out new fast food opportunities on your behalf (and, whisper it, my own). I was, for example, an early adopter when Kentucky Fried Chicken added small pots of coleslaw to their range of toothsome delights.

But there are limits. Sticky BBQ Drip is a step I will never take.

[Mick Harper]

Spot The Missing Metro Competition

[Mick Harper]

What about London, Mick? Yes, all right, I changed it at the last minute. What I was really aspiring to was to be the first person in the world to set a Missing Metro competition. They're hard to miss. Except apparently in Baltimore so I've probably failed even in that paltry ambition. Will it never end?

[Mick Harper]

Breakthrough for Breakfast/Elevenses/Lunch

Cook spaghetti until al dente
Heat two tablespoons, jar of Dolmio Bolognese sauce
Mix together, no laying it on the top bollocks
Wolf down, it's so delish
Get chronic indigestion.