The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Whenever I encounter a talking head, one of two things happens:

[Pete Jones]

The NBA conspiracy theorists are enjoying themselves. The draft lottery winner was the team (Dallas Mavericks) that recently gave up on the Slovenian superstar Luka Doncic and sent him to LA for...not much in return.

The trade for the Slovenian was so lopsided against the team that had the asset to trade that the talking heads have been calling it the worst trade they've ever seen. For context, the New York Knicks traded 5 first round picks for a guy named Mikal Bridges who has been an all star once, maybe. The Slovenian didn't bring in nearly this much.

Anyway, the Mavericks now get to take probably the third best prospect in 25 years. They had a 1.8% chance of getting the pick, yet they got it.

Now, the CT crowd says that the Luka trade was horrible, but they couldn't understand what was in it for the Mavericks. But if the league wink-wink said "Send Luka to LA and we'll take care of you in three months," then it would make sense.

By the CT crowd's count, this is the fourth highly suspicious draft lottery result since 2003.

All i can say is that the previous suspicious one was sending the 7'5" Frenchman to the San Antonio Spurs, which was just fine with me, as I grew up in San Antonio. The Spurs were the home of the two greatest French NBA players ever, both of who happened to be the new kid's personal heroes. The CT posits that he will be playing for a franchise that has proven its ability not to screw up moneymaking assets like 7'5" giants, which is very good for the league as a whole.

Amazingly, NBA fans think it's all rigged, yet remain NBA fans.

[Mick Harper]

I was flogging the Euros to death but I have to inflict it on you for archival reasons.
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Nerds-Only Preview of England’s Game of the Century July 8, 2024

England manager, Gareth Southgate, finally joined the New World Order by playing a back-three against Switzerland in the quarter-finals and the relative success of the policy means (though you can never tell with the Great Man) the experiment will continue against Holland in the semis. It was a curious sort of back-three though:

* Saka was supposed to be a wingback but I couldn’t see any difference in his positioning
* The other wingback, Trippier, seemed to be more ‘back four’ than ‘three-plus-two’ so there was nothing on the left going forward
* The shifting of Foden into the middle tended to eclipse Bellingham (shades of Gerrard and Lampard when they were our two best players but playing in the same position)
* There was a slight waste of Rice’s talents because he was now anchored at the back of midfield to cover ‘the three’
* Mainoo is now indispensable as the only person given a genuinely free role, though he should be more on the left than comes naturally to him.

Of course the whole thing was not given a proper test because of the continuing wretchedness of Kane. There was

* no role for him deep (à la Spurs) because that’s where the England talent is (not à la Spurs)
* he was missing in action when his goalmouth presence was needed
* his knockdowns were to no-one because of England’s capricious application of lump-it-up-the-park philosophy
* his pressing was at best fitful.

All of which meant Switzerland were never stretched.

The difference when Toney came on was… er… striking. It says a lot for Southgatian attachment theory that he took Kane off only when the poor chap had injured himself (by colliding with Southgate!) and despite penalties looming. We can only hope the injuries will rule Harry out of the Holland game because there is no chance Gareth will voluntarily dispense with his onfield alter ego.

Whether the back-three format will survive the sterner test of a multi-spangled Dutch attack is something that should have been tested when we were playing all those good sides last year. But remember, Holland have had an easy ride so far too, so England are still in it 40/60.

But do we really want to be humiliated by Spain in the final with the entire world watching? You bet.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

If I was a promising young footballer I would buy a small sixth or seventh tier football club for a five-figure sum. Let's call them Aversham Town.

As soon as my first youth contract was up (with Crystal Palace where I came up through the academy ranks) I would sign for Aversham--who would have to pay a small amount of compensation to Palace--and then start negotiating my transfer to, say, Newcastle United.

I'd insist on as short a contract as possible--three years preferably--which would affect the price but I'd still get ten million, as a promising young player, to put in my bin. Wages of course are on top of that.

After the three years, and being a free agent, I'd revert to my Aversham registration and look for offers. Several clubs have expressed interest but I've decided on my boyhood favourites, Arsenal. Having done well for the Toon, that should be another twenty-five million for Aversham a.k.a. yours truly. Just because I'm a Gooner doesn't mean they'll be getting me for longer than three years. Oh, all right they can have an option on an extra year. Because I love them so.

After that, there will be the sixty million Real Madrid are desperate to pay for my services as a mature midfield dynamo with a couple of England caps. That won't be going to Arsenal, it will be going to Aversham. And so and so forth until I retire to my pub in the Old Kent Road.

The advantages of this are two-fold:
1. Clubs pay big money to one another on the assumption it all comes round again. The only money leaving the system is player's wages and agent's commissions. All I'm doing is being one of the clubs and one of the agents and getting the player's wages.

2. I get to choose where I go. Hardly any player ever does. They're in the hands of agents and the club merry-go-round. I would of course have an agent to do all the donkeywork only he'll be working for Aversham and they're very strict.

[Mick Harper]

I couldn't let the Olympics go past without a mention
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Euro Scalpers vs Sturdy Brits July 30, 2024
Oh, no! It’s the Olympics

You’ve braved the Eurostar. You’ve found your Airbnb. The concierge has sold you black market tickets for the swimming. Le market black, as the French call it. A taxidriver has taken you to the swimming arena after a short interval pretending he doesn't know what you’re saying. You and the lady wife have a baguette (each) and a nice seat (each).

“What’s first up?”
“Women’s 1500 metre freestyle.”
“Who’s in the favoured middle lanes?”
“Malta, Chinese Taipei and Singapore.”
“S’funny, you don’t usually think of them as being in the front rank of swimming nations.”
“They’re the only swimmers.”
“Why’s that then?”
“It’s an unseeded heat i.e. they’re not going through to the next round but they can’t be allowed into a seeded race because they’ll create a wake being on different laps. It’s very technical, I won’t go into it.”
“How long does it take unseeded swimmers to swim 1500 metres?”
“I’m not entirely sure. Depends, I suppose.”
“Have we got time to pop out and watch the triathlon?”
“No, it’s been postponed. The Seine’s too dirty apparently.”
“I’m not surprised. Did you see all those boats last week? Gushing out diesel at a rate of knots.”
“Well, what do you expect, the eyes of the world were on them. Everyone will be waving to the folks back home, in the Perigord or wherever.”
“And you know the French, drinking like fish and pee-ing over the side.”
“If not the occasional number two’s.”
“The eyes of the world mean nothing to these people.”
“Shall we go home?”
“Yes, let’s.”

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

I had to check but this really happened.
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Breaking news. Dateline 0600 hours 07/09/24. All agencies.
Finally, marathon mixed relay walking has been accepted
into the Olympics and sets off today. August 7, 2024

This historic day. We in the world of marathon mixed relay walking have been waiting for this accolade of international sporting recognition ever since we organised the first one, in Turkey, in April of 2024.

True, Britain didn’t manage to qualify in the top twenty-two nations at that event and therefore won’t be represented in Paris, but this does not mean we won’t be glued to our sets. It is often forgotten that walking was invented in Britain, along with most of the track and field events that form the heart of the modern Olympics.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Completely unsuccessful as a Medium story but the germs of a good wheeze. (They are all genuine matches and from a single round.)
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Write Your Own Headline Competition August 15, 2024
Results from the Euro Qualifying rounds

Connah’s Quay 0 Bravo 2
Tirana 0 Torpedo Kutaisi 1
Magpies 2 Derry City 0
FSB 1 Maccabi Tel Aviv 1
Dynamo Kyiv 6 Partizan 2
Ballkani 0 Hamrun Spartans 0
Differdange 1 Ordabasy 0
Virtus 0 Flora 0
Molde 3 Silkeborg 1
Iberia 1999 2 Partizani Tirana 0
Mlada Boleslav 2 Transinvest Vilnius 0
Go Ahead Eagles 0 Brann 0
Zimbru 0 Ararat-Armenia 3
Hapoel Be’er Sheba 0 Cherno more 0
Gent 4 Vikingur 1
Elfsborg 2 Sheriff 0
Noah 3 AEK Athens 1
Petrocub 1 The New Saints 0

N.B. Berne Young Boys results have been withheld.

[Mick Harper]

I haven't checked to see how my predictions turned out so the tension is killing me.
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The Premiership Begins August 19, 2024
How it ends nobody knows but M J Harper knows more than most.

The Premiership is upon us so you’ll want my annual predictions.

[Mick Harper]

Although this is spot on--Liverpool for Man City and not spotting Forest and Newcastle were the only slight errors--you won't give me any credit. You're already saying, "I predicted much the same thing." Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. If you didn't, you have forgotten all about it.

And the new Eurofooty format proved non-sneerworthy.

[Mick Harper]

My piece got this witty response

Barry Robinson: I would urge the BBC to sack Lineker and employ you. I like your style.

Mick Harper: I see. And when twenty million people ask why they have sacked a national treasure in favour of someone who tells them boringly obvious things and they're round my drum with tar and feathers, do you want me to mention your name?

Barry Robinson: If he is a treasure, why hasn't someone buried him.😆

[Mick Harper]

Palace 1 City 0

Palace were my my local team growing up. Not many people know that. Hooray for my Eagles! But I am more interested in the fate of Eze and whether he is going to my grown up team, Arsenal. Palace winning t'Cup and getting into Europe presumably means they are more likely to keep hold of him. Jammy bastards.

[Mick Harper]

You can usually rely on good old downmarket Sky to understand we're only watching twatty sports like golf to follow the Brits. And sure enough on the Day One highlights of the USPGA, they are everywhere. Day too ditto. They're tearing up the course. Even Englishmen I've never heard of. (Including a very brown one, surely a first for golf where, like Jews, women and the working classes, they are banned from the clubhouse.)

Day Three dawns. Day Three finishes. Not a Brit in sight apart from Rory Bremner going from over par to further over par. OK, our boys did badly, I appreciate that. But how badly? 'No answer,' says the final leaderboard as Sky signs off for the day. They have been 'disappeared'. It's like being back on Eurosport.

I can see where you're coming from, chaps, sparing our feelings and all that, but don't forget we like a nice wallow too.