Funny Stories (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Few people can wring a funny story out of recharging their mobile. As I say...
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Don’t phone us, we’ll phone you. August 27, 2024

My mobile phone made this funny noise. I knew what it was, it does it every few weeks. It means the battery has run down. I had some difficulty finding the phone but the noise repeats every few minutes so it was just a question of standing stock still, waiting, then pouncing. I’ve got ears like a Tasmanian wombat. Somebody once told me I’ve got a face like a Tasmanian wombat but she was just joshing.

It’s simple to fix, the rundown battery I mean, because I have a trailing bit of wire with a plug in the wall at one end and a dubry at the other, though it takes a little time sorting out the right one. It could be for my Kindle or for my landline or for something I no longer use.

But now for the bit you’ve been waiting for because it has been vexing you for as long as you can remember: does the dubry go in this way up or does it go in that way up? Don’t despair, everyone suffers from this minor malady of life. Computer engineers delight in providing us with them. Here’s the rule:

[Mick Harper]

As you all know from Cabinet of Curiosities I have a penchant for thinking people would be interested in my domestic dramas. This will test that belief to the uttermost.
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Rice Is Nice. Twice. September 4, 2024

I had a Tesco Chicken Chow Mein in the fridge so I thought, “I know, I’ll cook some rice to go with it. Noodles on their own are, what can one say, a tad unsatisfying.” Halfway through cooking the rice I put the Chow Mein in the microwave. Except it turned out to be Tesco Sweet and Sour Chicken and Rice. Doh!

I couldn’t waste the rice — I’m not Elon Musk — so I ended up with Sweet and Sour Chicken and Rice and rice. Which is an abomination any way you look at it, there may be something about it in Leviticus. But I took my chances and ploughed on regardless.

In fact, and this is why I’m bringing you the news, if you mix your rice with the Tesco rice which has bits of egg in it you can pretend you’ve made your own egg fried rice, something none of us are capable of unaided. I couldn’t eat it all but that’s hardly the point.

P.S. There are still a few copies of my More Kitchen Adventures available from the usual outlets.

[Mick Harper]

Other people's passions are always funny (peculiar) but in order to be funny (funny) when writing about them you have to be something of an aficionado yourself. Let me know if there are references you don't get (or can't guess). I'd be interested for technical reasons.
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Music? I won’t have it in the house. September 6, 2024

I have an aversion to music every bit as intense as my disdain for poetry, but I must have a working knowledge of both to retain my position as chief polymath de nos jours. So I shall be needing your help in a coupla things this week that have left me wondering if I’ve got it quite right at the top end.

It’s ‘Proms season’ here in the city with five professional symphony orchestras when every other city in the world makes do with between none and one. Every summer the BBC puts on nightly concerts at the Albert Hall (that’s a venue in London not the footballer that played for Port Vale) and broadcasts them to the nation via Radio Three. And on the telly if it’s the Last Night of the Proms, an occasion so shaming I won’t be referring to it again.

Or, the other night, if it is a 2006 Prom recording of some elderly gent playing the piano while everyone on stage was playing Mozart’s Piano Concerto No 23, which I tuned into because I like a nice bit of Mozart when I’m washing up. I can be a right culture vulture when I think nobody’s looking. So what was it that puzzled me and that you classical buffs can enlighten me on?

[Mick Harper]

A weird one even by my standards.
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Mickeypoos! Bathy time! December 4, 2024

I hate taking baths. I’m not hydrophobic or anything, they’re just a pfaff and I hate anything that’s a pfaff. On the other hand if I don’t have a bath once a week my lice-infested body starts to itch.

I’ve got absolutely nothing to do right now so it’s an ideal moment to take the plunge but it’s only been six days. The lice can damn well wait. So what else can I do?

I could declare martial law. They’ve just discovered in South Korea you can do this even when you’re the only person in the whole blessèd country that’s in favour of it. Trouble is there’s nothing on the internet about how you do it. So that’s out.

There’s the thousands of hours of recordings on my digibox I could be watching but there’s a reason why they’re there. I didn’t want to watch them at the time and I’m not prepared to change my mind now. It looks weak.

I could write a medium story but they get an audience in single figures, so why bother? I did get four thousand readers (and rising) for a Ukraine story last week but who wants to write a story about Ukraine? Not me, bub. Even if it does put me in the supertax bracket. That would only mean more forms to fill in.

I know! I’ll scratch my balls. Nothing to do with itchiness, just for something to do. Wait, that means standing up. Scratch that.

What else? That is, as it happens, the saving grace of my life. There’s always a what-else. Vistas, that’s what you need. Soddit, I’ll have a bath. It’s time I made some changes round here.

[Mick Harper]

When it comes to religion, high comedy is never too far away. But you have to be careful about your choice of religion. One wouldn't want to cause offence.
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Apostolic Succession: where now? December 17, 2024

If you are unfamiliar with the concept, it works like this

* God impregnates Mary with Jesus
* Jesus comes up with Christianity
* Jesus dies — once, twice, never… it doesn’t matter because
* Jesus has appointed Peter as Pope to carry on Christianity
* The Pope appoints bishops to run Christianity
* Bishops (in conclave) appoint Popes

This is called the Apostolic Succession because each person has been divinely appointed. Their predecessor, being himself divinely appointed, carries the inherent ability to divinely appoint a successor without the Big Three — God, Jesus and Peter — having to get involved each time. It is a very robust system and has lasted a couple of thousand years, give or take a few alarums along the way.

One of those alarums was the English, who branched out on their own

* Pope Clement VII appoints Thomas Cranmer Archbishop of Canterbury
* Archbishop Cranmer rejects Popes and appoints
* King Henry VIII as head of the English Church
* English kings (and queens) succeed one another
* They appoint Archbishops of Canterbury to run the Anglican Church and
* Archbishops of York for when the Archbishop of Canterbury is n/a
* One or other archbishop appoints English bishops to run the Anglican Church divinely because the Apostolic Succession is unbroken all the way back to Jesus and Peter.

It is a very robust system and has lasted five hundred years, give or take a few alarums along the way. Until 2024.

* Due to a sex scandal the Archbishop of Canterbury has had to resign thereby losing his divine ability to apostolically appoint bishops

* Due to a different sex scandal, the Archbishop of York will shortly have to resign thereby losing his divine ability to apostolically appoint bishops

* Due to a different sex scandal and suspected atheism the present King of England may have forfeited his divine ability to apostolically appoint archbishops

His successors are not shaping up that well either. Fortunately less than one per cent of English people are Anglican so couldn’t give a monkeys. What God thinks of it all, God only knows.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Prime Harper. Enjoyed that.

[Mick Harper]

Cheers. It's not really a funny story, it's a serious story done unseriously. But going through all six hundred Medium stories I have concluded it doesn't really matter. It's a funny old world.

[Mick Harper]

There was an item on the news about why the Church of England is still headless (not the term they used) six months after Welby resigned. Apparently the procedure to appoint a new Archbishop of Canterbury was botched so they've got to start all over again and a new one won't be installed until January next year. This is the first time any such thing has happened.

By an amazing coincidence January of next year is when Welby was due to retire (on his seventieth birthday). By another amazing coincidence Welby is the first and only Arch of C who has ever had to resign his office. So you might say the apostolic succession has operated seamlessly.

Just to close the loop, Welby has continued to live in Lambeth Palace because he 'couldn't find suitable alternative arrangements'. Although that isn't significant because, as I can testify personally, finding palaces to rent in London nowadays is something between a hope and a prayer.

[Mick Harper]

Like religion, UFOlogy is too easy a target to make suitable material for the funster but this was a noble attempt. [In case you missed it, New Jersey people were seeing mysterious lights high in the sky and far out to sea. At one stage it was the lead story in the news bulletins. They were presumed by sensible people to be drones.]
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What is really going on over the skies of New Jersey?
There is a little known episode in America’s early history
that should be better known. December 19, 2024

In the British colony of New Jersey during the early 1770's there was a sudden craze for kite-flying. Everyone was at it. Soon the skies above ‘the Garden colony’ were teeming with them.

The people of New Jersey were, then as now, of limited intellectual attainments but of great religious fervour, and many of them started badgering the Governor. “Is it the Second Coming?” they asked. “Is it the French?” others asked. “No,” said the Governor, “it’s people flying kites.”

The common folk were not satisfied. They thought the Governor was hiding the true explanation and demanded he order the militia to shoot them down. “I’m afraid I can’t,” said the Governor. “Nobody’s doing anything illegal.”

The people were furious. They started writing and distributing pamphlets giving chapter and verse to their fears. Soon millions up and down the seaboard of the Thirteen Colonies were ‘seeing kites’ and demanding ‘something be done about it’. It was in all the news sheets.

Eventually intelligence of the furore reached London and King George III, who was mad, sent the Royal Navy and the British Army over to find out what was going on and, whatever it was, to put a stop to it. The rest you know.

[Mick Harper]

One of the few times I broke my strict rule about ten-point lists.
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How to Cause A Race Riot December 30, 2024
You only need the right ingredients

1. The Saturday Portobello antiques market is world famous and hence always heaving with foreign antique tourists.

2. On the corner of my street and Portobello Road is the blue door which, when opened by Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill, exposed his Y-fronts to Julia Roberts. So that’s heaving too with tourists snapping one another (the street corner, not the underpants).

3. I am a recluse who shops once a week on Saturdays at the Tesco in Portobello.

4. The Saturday before Christmas is the busiest of the year.

5. It normally takes several seconds to get through the hurly-burly with my groaning shopping bags which I quite relish because it allows me to use antique phrases like ‘Mind yer backs’ and ‘Let the dog see the rabbit’ which would be mocked in other circumstances. Use them or lose them.

6. This Saturday, before I could say anything, a sharp-faced youngish woman behind me who was also trying to get through called out, “Make way, you people, there’s an elderly person here. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves blocking him like that.”

7. To which I said, “It’s no bother, really.”

8. To which she said, “Well, it is for me.” The cheeky baggage, shamelessly using me as a pro-tem schwerpunkt cut-out.

9. At which point an entirely extraneous, slightly older but equally hatchet-faced woman said, “It’s a disgrace, all these tourists. Who do they think they are, coming over here.”

10. I said, “It’s only once a week.” I thought of adding ‘and only on this one corner’ but I didn’t because that might be considered a patronising put-down by a male chauvinist pig of a working-class woman rather than the correct liberal rejoinder to a fascist. It’s a fine line.

11. She said, “Oh no, it isn’t, it’s every day of the week. I live here, I know.”

12. This was blatantly untrue but squeaked through because I hadn’t specified. Liberals tend to ineffectuality because of their woolliness.

13. I don’t know what happened after that, I was anxious to get home.

[Mick Harper]

An experiment that resulted from one of my Christmas companions showing me an internet horoscope she had paid ninety pounds for and was delighted with. I could see immediately it was a 'cold reading'. I wondered how difficult it might be if I set up as an electronic hocroscoper. I include it here because you can observe me trying desperately not to be funny.
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Your 2025 Horoscope January 2, 2025
A compilation from accredited sources

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Your planetary aspects are unusually favourable. You must take advantage of this by making that life-changing shift you have always promised yourself. Delay will mean delay for many years.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)
You must be strong to withstand unexpected developments but the alignments indicate you will do so and emerge all the stronger for it.

Aries (March 21–April 19)
A year for taking stock. Do not make irrevocable decisions but ensure that everything is in place for when you do. You will find yourself buoyed up by the process.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Mixed fortunes will be your lot. Do not be carried away by either the good or the bad, but use each to understand and benefit from the other. You will look back on a job well done.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)
An excellent year for decision-making. But make sure it really is a ‘decision’ and not the prevarication you are so often prone to. A decision not to do it is a decision but only if you really mean it.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)
This is not the year for risk, it is a year for change. Doing nothing is a risk.

Leo (July 23–August 22)
You have reached the end of this cycle and while it has brought you many benefits, the law of diminishing returns will soon become evident. Have everything in place for the new cycle.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)
You are on the cusp. It is a entirely a matter for you whether you grasp the opportunity or let this momentous year pass you by.

Libra (September 23–October 22)
This is a down year. Do not expect anything to ‘land in your lap’. Yet you will emerge more prosperous at the end than the beginning thanks to your perseverance.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
You will be troubled by bad news but fortitude will result in unexpected gains. Beware of being a rock for others rather than for yourself... and others.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Your alignments are equivocal. You can expect neither help nor hindrance but must make your own way. Next year’s alignments suggest you will succeed.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Everything is in your favour. It will be a tragedy if you do not take advantage of this relatively fleeting opportunity.

[Mick Harper]

Short but sweet.
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Elon Musk Visits Head Office January 7, 2025

Your messages, Mr Musk.
Anything urgent?
Spacex want to know whether to launch the Mars expedition.
Tell them I’ll get back to them.
Tesla are asking whether to file for bankruptcy because of the Chinese.
Put it in the To-Do tray.
X have lost another billion users and want to know what to do about it.
Who’s X?
Twitter.
Oh, yes. Ask me again when they’re down to their last billion.
The British prime minister is complaining about one of your tweets.
Hold my calls, get the Darth Vader suit, assemble the Action Team in the main hall.

[Mick Harper]

Sometimes it's not funny trying to come up with something funny
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Don’t Read This January 22, 2025
It’s pure paradoxical injunction.

Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic. That’s a technique for writing a Medium story when you can’t think of anything: you write a nonsensical opening sentence and hope inspiration strikes.

[Mick Harper]

This got a large response. You can never tell when you're going to hit a nerve.
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Star writer falls victim to not one but two
one-in-a-million design flaws January 26, 2025

I live on coffee so naturally I’ve got a coffee machine. From time to time you have to fill the perspex reservoir with tapwater. This morning it was empty so I had to take it to the sink to fill it up. (I’m not boring you, am I?) I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee lately and I seem to be forever filling the damn thing up.

After a couple of hours of caffeine-fuelled inspiration I needed that difficult second cup and marched into the kitchen. The perspex reservoir needed filling up. ‘Funny,’ I said to myself, ‘I could have sworn I just did that. I’ll either have to investigate this systematically or ring the care home. It’s your choice, my fine feathered friend.’

What I didn’t tell you is there’s a little metal spike on the end of a curly bit of wire which you use to clean out the coffee tube that needs unblocking every few weeks. Between use, this handy little gadget — which cannot be lost at any price — sits securely in a tiny, specially designed compartment in the back of the machine, between it and the reservoir.

If the gadget gets dislodged for any reason it can, by a million to one chance, fall spike-first into the hole that holds the rubber dubry that holds the water in the perspex reservoir that Nestlé built.

‘It’s not a problem, you eejit, just fish it out and go about your business. Jeez, what a song and dance about absolutely nothing. I’m sorry I even started reading this. I shan’t be making that mistake again, I can assure you.’

Nuh nuh, it’s you that’s the idiot because by another million-to-one chance, it can end up in a position that

(a) is not visible to the naked eye
(b) will not noticeably interfere with the placing of the reservoir in the hole
(c) does not stop the pressure dubry carrying out its proper function except
(d) just enough to allow a steady, continuous but undiscernible flow of water from the reservoir, across the worktop, under the toaster, to who knows where behind the fitted cupboards.

And I worked it all out from first principles.

[Mick Harper]

That story was so unsuccessful I decided to do a sequel
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A death in the family January 31, 2025
The obsequies were decently observed

After I wrote about it on Medium, a small crowd had gathered outside my house anxious for news of the coffee machine. As he does every morning, my majordomo flung open the doors — he has a slight flair for the theatrical — and said, “I have a brief statement and will not be taking questions. Mr Harper’s coffee machine expired peacefully at ten o’ clock yesterday evening. A replacement is being sought through the usual channels.”

He then nodded to Florette in her pretty maid’s uniform who, as is our custom on such occasions, distributed a selection of sweetmeats and took names and addresses of those who needed further information on a one-to-one basis. I regard this as quite unnecessary but Maurice assures me that Florette, who is his niece, likes the exercise.

"It were a good coffee machine, as I ’eard."
“Aye, yeoman service. No question.”
“Two years fault-free, they say.”
“Except for that business with the twiddly thing.”
“Least said, soonest mended, that’s my motto.”
“Mebbe so but ’twere a harbinger all the same.”
“Writing on the wall. Only a question of time. Sands running out.”
"Water trickling out anyway."
“At five mugs a day, three hundred and sixty-five days of the year, the capital cost was amortised at something like two pence a serving.”
“We won’t see its like again.”
“You’re wrong there. That’s the Argos van if I’m not mistaken.”