The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

A Venezuelan footballer thought it would be a good idea to have the Jules Rimet trophy tattooed on his forearm. Bad idea. When Nicolas Maduro made life intolerable for professional footballers our hero applied for asylum in California. The authorities took one look at the tattoo and, concluding it was a gang tattoo, put him on the plane to El Salvador where he will spend the rest of his life not organising football matches against the guards like whatsisname in that film.

[Mick Harper]

A surprising new world record for the sale of a sports enterprise--$6.5 billion--was established yesterday. Not for an NFL franchise, that was the old record, $6.1 billion for the Washington Commanders. This was for the Boston Celtics*, a basketball team. Perhaps the most illustrative of them but certainly not the most expensive. (Generally reckoned to be fourth.)

* Soft C remember, you Megalithics.

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

There is going to be a problem over Shakhtar Donetsk. It's all very well Donald Trump magisterially awarding Zaporizhzhia, the biggest nuclear power station in Europe, to one side or the other (or keeping it for America as was his last suggestion) but who gets the biggest football club in Ukraine? The clue is in the name.

[Mick Harper]

Have I missed something. Isn't the World Cup supposed to be the acme of sport at this end of the galaxy? I know it's only the qualis but even so our noble governors have insisted it goes out on terrestrial telly so we can all watch. Together. The nation united.

If you're English. I dunno who else was playing on the Friday so maybe Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland had ITV regional opt-outs. I'm sure they did. But weren't we English entitled to watch the highlights of their games. I thought they were in our country. OK, fine, they've been sold to Amazon Prime, I understand the Chancellor needs all the money she can scrape together but could we just know the scores even? No, you may not. Sold to Google, I expect.

What about all the other countries? Fair enough I won't lose sleep not having seen the goals in the South Sudan/Upper Volta Sahel derby, but I wouldn't mind hearing the result of France v Holland or whoever. We might have to play them later. They might even be in our group, nobody said.

Unless... unless... they wouldn't, would they? Just have England and Albania in the World Cup and we're two-up after the first leg. That's the only explanation I can think of. And it's a good explanation because...

We're in the final now
We're in the final now
Ee-I-addyo
We're in the final now.

I've been waiting fifty-nine years to sing that. (Though I have been secretly practising it for the Great Day.)

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

I always go there when I am satisfied I won't be watching any highlights. It is essential for all nerds.To find my fulminations were ludicrously wide of the mark. Everyone was busy with the playoffs for the UEFA Mickey Mouse Cup, Wales was on BBC-3 etc etc.

[Boreades]

UEFA Nations League?
Dour Scots, look away now.
Irish eyes are smiling.

[Mick Harper]

England 2 Albania 0
England 3 Latvia 0

Have you noticed that England always play home games against small countries with large people-smuggling criminal gangs? No, you haven't. Probably because they don't--we've got a grudge match against Andorra up next--but something to look out for in future. Most football ruling bodies are bent to buggery, there is no reason why the FA won't succumb. Sir Stanley Rous can't last forever.

Talking of home games Wembley seems finally to have sorted out its turf problems. It meant superannuated old sweats like Hendersen and Rashford could be given their swansong without their zimmers (are you listening, Tũchi-baby?).

That James free kick. It went nowhere near the wall, it went nowhere near the goalie, but it wasn't anything special. So why can't professional footballers score from this kind of deadball position at will?

Bellingham. Is he is as good as I have been cracking him up to be? I'm never wrong so he'd better start putting a shift in, or else.

[Mick Harper]

Cambodia 1 Aruba 2

When you're a small island you have to travel many a mile to chalk up a W.

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

I hear there's to be a super-duper new FIFA World Club Championship this summer with the thirty-two best clubs in the world competing.
Assuredly, with the name we've given it.

So Arsenal will be there, right? We're top thirty-two, no question.
Not necessarily.

But they will be if they win the Champions' League, right?
Not necessarily.

Why not?
The draw has already taken place.

Yerwhat...?
'Fraid so.

How many English teams will be there then?
Two.

So Liverpool and who else?
Not Liverpool.

So who?
Man City and Chelsea.

So not really a World Club Championship then?
No, not really. Sucker.

[Mick Harper]

But hear this

[Boreades]