The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

With this damned heat making sex impossible I spend most of my day looking for new sports channels. Hence my discovery of something called the International Champions Cup. In the old days you played your pre-season friendlies against whichever local semi-pro outfit had bunged your manager the most (a technique that never did Cloughie’s teams any harm) but nowadays the front office say you have to go to Singapore and play Atletico Madrid (1-1, lost on penalties).

Or if you’re Spurs, putting four past Roma at the Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego. Without Harry Kane (all the World Cup players are on extended leave except Eriksen who must be some kind of berserker) which is just as well for them now that Russia has exposed Kane as a busted flush. By the way, the four-wheelers have surreptitiously replaced Kyle Walker with Kyle Walker-Peters, a trick that might have worked when replacing D I Barnaby on Midsomer Murders but we’re hardly likely to fall for it again.

[Mick Harper]

By the by the by, I recently found out why they did replace D I Barnaby with another D I Barnaby (allegedly his cousin). It was because the series is marketed in many countries as Barnaby since 'Midsomer Murders' is untranslatable, even to Americans. Hence the need for a Barnaby to replace a Barnaby.

Honestly, I don't know what you people would do without me telling you how the world actually works. You probably thought he really was his cousin.

[Mick Harper]

Eurofootball is back and so is corruption. The two chief centres of which are Minsk and St Petersburg. So what are we to make of this
First leg Minsk 4 St Petersburg 0
Second leg St Petersburg 4 Minsk 0
aet St Petersburg 8 Minsk 5.

Luckily Arsenal will sort them out. Our oligarch is bigger than their oligarch.

[Mick Harper]

I don't mind Özil deciding not to play for Germany, I do mind him deciding not to play for Arsenal. And don't listen to all that guff about relegation. Arsenal have never been relegated in their entire two hundred year history. Though they share this proud record with Everton, which is worrying.

[Boreades]

Absolutely remarkable statistics on Arsenal's past there from Harpo, our man on the Piccadilly Line.



And now we go live back to the Al Beeb studio for expert opinion on Arsenal's future from our new star pundit.



Absolutely remarkable.

[Mick Harper]

Chemical Ali, Osama bin Laden, Jeremy Corbyn. We are, I agree, the club of choice for the very worst elements in society, and I do not by any means exclude myself from that category. But we're still not Tottenham.

[Mick Harper]

I can't see the point of Man City vs Huddersfield or India vs England.

[Mick Harper]

I hope you've all been watching pundit-syndrome. Since the end of Day Two with the Indians two hundred ahead and eight wickets standing, three days to go, lovely weather forecast, there could only be one result. According to the First Law of Punditry you're not allowed to say what that result will be if it's an England defeat. "They've got a mountain to climb" has now reached "It's going to be very, very difficult."

The Blessed Bob had the grace to say, "If we reach the end of day four at 200 for 2, that will do for me." Even he wasn't prepared to say that England couldn't do what no other side has ever done in 150 years of test cricket (plus another hundred runs on top of that).

This pundit's forecast? It will be all over by lunchtime. Today, not tomorrow.

[Mick Harper]

I'm having a real problem with the Vuelta. My boys, Team Sky, have entered a squad with only one Brit and no GC contenders (you can forget about a knighthood this year, Mr Murdoch) whereas the Australian team Mitchelton-Scott have two Brits, the Yates twins, both GC contenders. I have asked the World Jingo Council for guidance but as you know their rulings are not mandatory. I will keep you posted.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

How is it possible for three of our teams to be in groups of death except Man City who can be in a group of death with no worries? If you don't think this has something to do with this being the season of Brexit you don't understand how the world works. Though interestingly, on this occasion, it is kismet and not the hand of man.

[Mick Harper]

How comforting it is to have Moheen Ali back amongst us. Now we must summon Ian Bell from the vasty deeps and all shall be well in the shires of England.

[Boreades]

Exciting local football news chaps!

[Mick Harper]

Benteke has a rare gift for not scoring. I don't mean he doesn't score goals -- lots of strikers manage not to do that -- but it's something else. He always misses by a sliver which is a remarkable 'talent'. Like Mike Hendrick used to do. So close he's always worth picking. Sort of.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Mike Hendricks had a better test bowling average and economy than has James Anderson. He also would outrank as a bowler Botham (who the story goes had a rare ability to take key wickets), although it's a false comparison as Botham was an all rounder.

In general terms fast medium bowlers like Hendricks and say Max Walker will, as they rely on seam and swing, have more near misses (missed by a sliver) than out and out quickies, who bowl straighter.

Benteke has taken lessons from Shane Long, but he is not as good.