The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

I was myself a regular opener for my school second eleven. My technique was to play back with a dead bat to everything so I would stay in more or less indefinitely but without scoring any runs. This was acceptable because we were so bad wickets were always falling regularly at the other end. In fact, just to make a game of it, we would always let the other side bat first (or they would elect to bat first), otherwise the game would be over too quickly i.e. us thirty all out, them thirty-one for two.

Occasionally even my team mates would get infuriated watching me dead-bat six balls in a row and would start cat-calling. Whereupon I would slog the next one and get caught at mid-off. Finally I was dropped, not for slow play, but for turning up with a beard. I was refused entry to an Economic History A-level exam for the same reason. I expect Moeen Ali had similar problems when he was at school.

[Mick Harper]

As soon as we've got a back three I've actually heard of and Welbeck is out for the season injured we'll win the league in a canter.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

[Hatty]

A teacher once told me her first year of teaching was with the 'difficult' class as the school policy was to give the best students the experienced teachers (she taught English not cricket but the principle seems to operate). Perhaps it's natural to favour the brightest kids (but 'good' schools don't necessarily have the best teachers)

[Mick Harper]

You do not understand the teaching profession which is, like all professions, a conspiracy against the laity. I, for example, was given the ninth stream of a nine-stream entry of an already creamed intake (not just from grammar and private schools but better regarded comprehensives in the area). I was told that teaching wasn't important, 'just keep them under control'. Teachers are not idealists within the four walls of the staff room.

But of course even keeping such children (well, youths with cherries solidly on the desk) under control is a task that can only be performed by an experienced (and moderately talented) teacher. I had no chance. When I complained about this I was told firmly that you had to earn the right to teach the brighter kids -- which is a breeze even for me. The idea that any of this was for the children's benefit is laughable.

Whether good schools get good teachers is an interesting question. You would think so -- not just because private schools can afford to be choosy but because good teachers will surely gravitate to the easier task of teaching at good schools. But I don't think this is necessarily the case. 'Good' schools recruit teachers who have the academic qualifications (and the general mien that goes with that). There is no correlation between high academic attainment and ability to teach, as any undergraduate can testify.

Just in passing I should mention that the Peter Principle operates and that the better the teacher the more likely he/she will rise up the internal ranks, doing more and more admin and less and less teaching. It should of course be the other way round but that will never be permitted. Nor are bad teachers ever sacked. Teachers are second only to doctors in societal clout.

[Wile E. Coyote]

A friend who taught in London was approached by a number of West Indian parents, who advised him if their child was unruly to give said child a wallop. Given most of the children were taller than he, he ignored this instruction, and opted for a more liberal regime. It ended with predictable consequences. A move to a better area.

[aurelius]

Kosovo, Montenegro, FYR Macedonia, Moldova and Timor Leste (inclusion of the latter clearly to make up the numbers) collectively spent £217 million on defence in the last 12 months.

Manchester City FC spent the same amount on defence in one month.

Courtesy Private Eye.

Fortress Etihad?

[Mick Harper]

Yes, I wondered about that. Turns out to be East Timor which (students of the macabre might check) had a higher proportion of its citizenry killed by foreign aggressors than any other state in recorded history. Worth spending a bob or two on defence I would have thought. Play in the Asian qualifying group by the way.

[Mick Harper]

In the not so long ago, county sides would be captained by an old buffer who batted at number seven, didn't bowl and fielded at mid on. He wasn't worth his place in the side but he was important in some way to the 'values of the county'. It is time to apply this principle to the England team.

We have a bunch of stupendous all rounders, enough to win despite nil contributions from nos 2, 3 and 5. Since it doesn't seem to matter who these 2, 3 and 5's are why don't we offer the positions to the highest bidder? There are people around who are paying £50,000 a head just to be on the waiting list to go into space so surely there must be people (possibly the same people) who will pay the same amount to play for England. Yes, they will have to get into shape but that is true too of the would-be astronauts -- in fact it seems to be part of the appeal. And as a bonus, these three would be unambitiously blocking and leaving, seeing the shine off and generally contributing what the current 2,3 and 5's do.

I won't be making myself available even though opening for England has always been a vague ambition of mine and I am in line for a tickle following a death in the family. Plus, as you know, I am a resolute blocker. It's the being helped down the pavilion steps bit that's putting me off.

[aurelius]

[Mick Harper]

Too many holes being fallen through here. Only one bloke was ever selected for his fielding -- Alan Ealham. The truth is that fielding makes very little difference and when it does -- say the drops by Root and Stokes yesterday -- it seems to make no difference whether you're a pro or not. I was myself an indifferent fielder though I did once have an instructive experience. Playing cricket on the beach after an interlude of (was it really?) twenty years, a steepler came my way and I didn't have a prayer of catching it. Ten minutes later another one came my way and I had equally no difficulty pouching it.

Your idea about nightwatchmen-bowlers is just a rehash of my own idea about putting the bowlers in first but with the crucial difference that your scheme means there are too many bowlers! You would end up not with eight bowlers (inc Stokes and Ali) all refreshed and raring to go but eight bowlers all mutinous at not getting their proper stints.

[Mick Harper]

But enough about batting and fielding I am here to address the bowling. Bowlers have only one decision to make, where to pitch it. The rest is persiflage. On 836 occasions this summer I have heard a bona fide expert say, "Tha's got to pitch it oop". On one occasion I heard, "Tha's got to help t'skipper out by banging it in back of a length* but that was when South Africa were 447 for two..

But they never pitch it oop. Why not? I understand a smidgeon too full results in being driven for four but I heard on 836 occasions that "You must get the batsman driving" and moreover "You mustn't be afraid to be driven for four occasionally." And moreover on top of that, "T'skipper must tell 'em he won't mind the occasional four-ball.." But still they won't.

It is not that they can't because they can pitch it consistently 'not oop' so it must be a case of won't. In other words. not being driven for four takes precedence over your country's needs. There may have to be legislation.

[Wile E. Coyote]

The Tricksters are going to be supporting Conor tommorow.

He is the mixed guy against the specialist. He is fighting outside the fort rather than in. He is the young Jack against the experts.

So...He will win?

No.

It's the campaign not the war......