The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

First Day, First Test

It's a false dawn. This bazball is all very well (and it is very well) when the ball is... wait for the cliché... gunbarrel straight, but I couldn't help noticing that the slightest deviation that did occur resulted in a wicket, a chance, a play and miss or a Chinese cut to fine leg. I foresee many 27-5's before this series is finished. Crawley will be out by the third test, back in for the fifth, leader of the Conservative Party and Prime Minister by Christmas. Yes, he's that bad. Stokes' declaration was daft though greeted typically by the commentariat as 'bold', 'innovatory', 'Stokeian' and so forth.

What's the upside? Grabbing some early wickets and allowing the opening bowlers two bites at the cherry. There is no evidence that openers are more likely to get out playing for stumps than at any other time and England have new ball bowlers growing out of their arse.

What's the downside? You lose all the runs that would have been made by the tailenders. In an era of bazball, time is not of the essence, so those runs are likely to come back and haunt you, not expedite a win.

[Mick Harper]

Dramatis Personnae

The Australian top order, the bloke said (many of them are women, a slightly higher voice is the thing to listen out for) features the world's one, two and three. Not against us here, they ain't.

Everyone likes Moheen Ali being around but his batting has declined so much he's not much better than today's average tailender and his bowling is a lot worse than twenty-seven other spinners toiling out there on the county circuit. Still, I approve on 'lucky charm' grounds.

I'm worried about Root. All this extravagant stuff is fine when it works but it doesn't work in the long run. And an Ashes series is a long run. [I just typed 'urn' for 'run', is it an omen?] In the era of bazball, it is not necessary. Cut it out. Ditto Stokes. Cut him out altogether if he continues getting out in single figures, never bowls and makes daft declarations.

Welcome back, Johnny Bairstow.

This England No 5, whose name I forget so it must be common-as-muck, is being touted as the new Bradman. Let's tout him as the new Root for the time being. They're mostly out by the end of the series unless they're called Crawley.

[Mick Harper]

My brother stood in temporarily as the Zoom quizmaster and asked 'Who were the two principal characters in the 1981 Ashes Series?" As an ex-editor of Wisden I naturally wrote down Botham and Willis and was awarded half a mark because the poltroon had "Botham and Brearley" written down in front of him. You can tell the overall level of marking accuracy from the fact that Hatty won the quiz.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Root should have been given out on aesthetic grounds for his reverse scoop. There is no point in having a rule "that the umpire's decision is final," unless they use it to stamp out this sort of thing. Now, next innings Root will probably come out wearing his box over his nose pretending to be Hannibal Lector.

[Mick Harper]

He also presents profound difficulties for Justice Cricketcarrot. Root clearly changes his stance from left-handed to right-handed before the ball comes out of the bowler's hand, so when the ball hits his pads, which stump is held to be relevant for the purpose of 'ball pitching outside the line of"? The bowler could fairly argue, "Both, either, ump. He made his own bed."

Furthermore, according to you, the umpire would be justified in supposing that Root was 'not offering a shot' if he was intending to do a reverse scoop. "By 'eckaslike, tha's no cricketing shot in my book," as Dickie Bird said to me on the Mound Stand.

[Wile E. Coyote]

It is really discourteous of Root, he is quite happy for the umpire to help him with his guard, and tell him that the bowler is "right arm round the wicket" etc, and he also expects the umpire to pre-warn him when any bowling switch takes place.

If I was umpire I would tell Lachlan McBruiser to just go suddenly over the wicket, and bounce a short one at him.

[Mick Harper]

I suppose it is useless pointing out that I have been urging Klopp/Southgate to play Alexander-Arnold as an orthodox midfielder ever since he made his debut for Liverpool/England. He is a so-so full back and a Glenn Hoddle higher up the park.

But would a modern-day Glenn Hoddle get in the Liverpool/England first team?

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

It appears that Macron personally persuaded Mbappe to keep him at PSG last year. Unfortunately Mbappe, not Macron I hasten to add, has now decided to go at the end of 2024 on a "free" to Real Madrid.

This is the problem with the modern nation state, politicians think they are more important than football players, they clearly are not.

I have explained it to Rishi.

"It's simple, Gary and Marcus give you their weekly "to do" lists and you just crack on, if not they will bollox you in the press, and that's it, we are out."

[Mick Harper]

That was confirmed when Southampton's relegation was allowed to stand without Burnley being disqualified for Alastair Campbell fit-and-proper person considerations, Sheffield Utd (Nick Clegg) and Luton (multi-criminals as per 24 Hours in Police Custody). Rishi Sunak was, frankly, hung out to dry. It's good though that Mbappe can join up with the convicted blackmailer, Karim Benzema, to learn his trade.

Fun fact: in a recent quiz which I was obliged to attend for contractual reasons, I had to name three French players who had played in the Premiership. I couldn't name one! Even the bloke who bicycle-kicked the Palace fan that time. Even Arsenal's most expensive signing. (And Thierry Whatsit now I come to think of it.) Names, always my nemesis. I'd be Brain of Britain by now but for that. And because I already am. Henri.

[Mick Harper]

How can you possibly say someone 'bowled nicely' when flashing up his figures on the screen: twenty nine overs, two wickets, a hundred and twenty-four runs? Lock and Laker would be turning in their graves. (Geddit?)

[Mick Harper]

I am reasonably convinced that the order has gone out for a new type of Duke ball, or more likely a return to an older version. The difference between the behaviour of these ones and the ones that have produced top order collapses in all conditions and to all teams for several seasons is quite stark.

Presumably the ball turning from day one, session one, is down to pitch curating. As they say in Australia. We reserve the term for museums and art galleries.

[Wile E. Coyote]

I suspect there is paradigm shift going on.

The modern batsman doesn't try to see off (with fine defensive technique) the opposition quickies with their 4 plus slips. He seeks to punish the stupidity of these field placings with bold ambitious risk taking, that is why England hurl along at 4 an over even if they lose wickets.

[Mick Harper]

No, no, we've been through this before. No side intends to have -- or would even risk -- a top order collapse. There is no point in scoring at four an over if you are eighty-one all out. It must be something outside the control of the players.

However, yes, field placings have become topical. The Australian bloke kept on about the wastefulness of having two people preventing boundaries both sides since it allowed the batsmen to keep rotating the strike pushing singles. But he never said a dickie about not having a third man and allowing a billion runs being leaked down there. (Perhaps more.) Nor about the futility of not having someone at either long on or long off when the spinners were being slogged out of the park.

I'll have to give Stokes credit though for his sudden umbrella in front of the batsman rather than in the slips, inducing Usman Khawaja to try squeezing the ball behind and getting bowled. But who allowed the Australians to introduce ringers from the sub-continent in the first place? Shouldn't ought to be allowed.

The empire's destiny now rests on Moheen's injured hand. Last time we were in a comparable situation was the War of Jenkins' Ear but we survived that one (and Australia didn't even exist at the time) so... er... fingers crossed.

[Grant]

Why do they keep talking about Saka keeping the match ball?

There are at least ten match balls in an international game.