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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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It's time to lance the Saka boil. The blokes on the telly were raving about him again (v Spurs) when all he could do was give the ball away. That is when he wasn't just passing it five yard sideways because he's lost his winger's bottle. Give it a rest, chaps. Give him a rest, Mikel.

PS This is not because my former pin-up, Emile Smith-Rowe, has returned to duty (and the reason we didn't bother signing some Ukrainian boy-wonder nobody's ever heard of).
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Mick Harper
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Those of you who attend to these things will know that I have been collecting instances of far eastern criminal bookmaker types interfering in Premiership games so that a 0-0 result is registered when the official timing of half-time is reached. I started doing this because the first such occasion was when the Charlton Athletic floodlights failed just before halftime with the score at 0-0 and a similar occurrence happened at another match two weeks later. I observed at the time that this could not be a coincidence.

Since then a variety of methods have been used to achieve the same result, the latest during yesterday's Southampton versus Villa match when a drone was spotted above the home penalty area ten minutes before half-time when the score was 0-0 and the ref had no option but to usher the players off the field for ten minutes, whereupon the drone departed as mysteriously as it had appeared. Match of The Day thought it a great hoot.

You will also know that, it would seem, I am the only person in the western world that (a) spots these occurrences and (b) actually cares that wily oriental gangs are operating freely in our fair land interfering in our fair national game. But then 'twas ever thus.
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Mick Harper
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We have grown used to mawkish displays of sentimentality at Premiership matches at any and every opportunity. I have no great objection to these since players and crowd alike seem to favour them (apart from the mighty Zaha) and I can fastforward through them. However I must register my objection to a minute's silence for 'next Friday's Holocaust Memorial Day' before the Bournemouth v Forest kick-off. What on earth has this got to do with Bournemouth? Are they the Miami of England? Are there many football fans anywhere in England who even know there is such a thing as Holocaust Memorial Day?

I know they are a small crowd but I cannot help thinking this interruption to their sporting enjoyment tends to cheapen the whole thing, not ... er... celebrate it.
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Mick Harper
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Speaking of the mighty Zaha, I understand his latest hairstyle has been entered for this year's Turner Prize.
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Mick Harper
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Match of the Day flashed up this table of recent Golden Boot winners last night. You have to spot the anomaly that needs explaining

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang 22
Sadio Mané 22
Mohamed Salah 22
Jamie Vardy 23
Harry Kane 23
Mohamed Salah 23
Son Heung-min 23
Erling Haaland 25 goals (half a season)

Wrong! Haaland is a phenom, not an anomaly. No, it is the fact that despite the gross variations of person, position, club and overall situation, the Golden Boot winner always scores the same number of goals. That needs explaining.
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Mick Harper
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Are Arsenal For Real?

It is always difficult for a fan to judge these things but fortunately I am an AE-ist and immune to subjectivity. Yes, they are. Half a season is time enough to judge these things. My qualms about how they would perform against top sides have been satisfied by wins against Spurs and Man Utd, and a moral victory against Newcastle. Of course the three matches to come in quick succession against Man City will be acider tests but while losing all three may cost us cup and league, it will not jeopardise the 'for real' status.

Because unlike City, we have upsides. They merely have Haarland. Once we have a proper striker -- and 'no goals' Jesus, 'always promising' Nketiah and 'twenty million' Trossard are not proper strikers -- we should be able to take on the world if not Man City.

But why? How? It is not as if Arsenal are, man for man, anything special by Top Six standards. That must be down to Arteta who has, somehow, created something greater than the sum. This would appear to be down to two things within his control
1. A slightly crazed desire to win the ball back (not pressing in the ordinary sense)
2. Two-touch football of extraordinary speed and precision

and one not
3. The emergence of Odegaard and Saka.
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Mick Harper
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My all time fave, Anthony Yarde, was taking on the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, Artur Beterbiev, at Wembley last night. We all knew he would lose, we all knew he would put up a prodigious display, and all came to pass.

More AEL interest down the bill. Our old fave, the Norfolk Nightmare, Tommy Fletcher, was shoved aside by a new fave, Moses Itauma, an eighteen-year-old from Chatham making his pro debut. Twelve second knockout. Flash in the pan? No way. In the amateurs, he was the world junior champion after five fights, all first round knockouts. Way to go, son.
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Mick Harper
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Today's Two-Part Quiz

1. Which of these has spent most on transfers in the last six months, the Premiership or all the other European leagues put together?
2. Which of these has spent most on transfers in the last six months, Chelsea or all the other European leagues put together?

Prize fund: six hundred million pounds.
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Wile E. Coyote


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The trend has been for the top premiership teams to be massive net spenders, with Manchester United spending the most. Chesea look to have overtaken them ........

1) Chelsea, 2) Manchester United, 3) Arsenal, 4 )Newcastle, they are all willing to spend an average £100 million each year. Chelsea have gone over £300 million this year, after a couple of seasons of Abramovich not spending and then getting new owners. They would argue it's a case of catching up spending? How many years do you chuck £ 75 million at it, trying to keep up with those who burn the full £100 million. Ask West Ham.......

The continentals can't keep pace. The proposed Euro super league was their only way of being able to raise new funds but the English fans put paid to that.
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Mick Harper
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Chelsea 0 Fulham 0

Chelsea having Havertz leading the line after spending six hundred million says it all. In truth, all three results were equally possible despite the away side having spent nil millions and being anchored by Willian, a free from Chelsea. They both knocked it around in the approved style but I decided that they have both missed out on what is, as far as I can discern, the breaking wave of the New Football.

Scurry. That's what Arsenal are bringing to the table.
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Mick Harper
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Everton 1 Arsenal 0

A perfect illustration why you need a hundred million pound striker. To nick a goal when the other side are even more enthused than you are (they had a new manager). Even fifty million Jesus might have worked the oracle, but tuppenny ha'penny Nketia never will. Nor will twenty million pound imports from Brighton.

Is it the end of the title challenge? They might still squeak it but I hope not. It would be an offence against natural justice.
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Mick Harper
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I foretold the result because on Friday during our weekly Zoom hook-up, someone was asking for tofu recipes and I quipped "Everton are called the tofu's." A lot of people are ignorant about my mystical powers but I'd advise them not to mess with me or they'll find out.
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Mick Harper
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Justice Cocklecarrot's Weekly Round-Up

There is a crime on the statute books called 'taking unfair pecuniary advantage' and is a catch-all to prevent various, in fact any, scam. It does not however attract major punishment. But there is also the crime of 'conspiracy', the sentence for which is anything up to life imprisonment and is not limited by the severity or otherwise of the underlying crime. Consider therefore

During a recent win over Fulham, Howe’s assistant Jason Tindall passed a message to Nick Pope and a couple of minutes later the England goalkeeper collapsed unchallenged, nursing an apparent injury. As he received “treatment”, play was halted, enabling Howe to issue fresh tactical instructions Guardian

This is clearly both taking pecuniary advantage and a conspiracy, so Eddie should look out for northern Bill to come calling. Luckily for him we do not have an extradition agreement with Saudi Arabia so he would do well to go over there for a spot of face-to-face with his employers fairly sharpish.

Pope and Tisdall can expect non-custodials because they were not direct beneficiaries. Well they would in my court, I can't speak for Sunderland magistrates.
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Mick Harper
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Kane's record-breaking goal illustrates why he has. It looked simple, essentially a wall pass, the ball coming towards him being redirected into the corner of the net. Sweet as a nut. But any player in the Premiership could have performed such a wall pass. Unless he was redirecting the ball into the corner of the net in which case he wouldn't have treated it as a wall pass at all, but 'as an opportunity in front of goal'. Therefore trapping the ball, kicking it with deliberation towards the corner of the net, and allowing time for a defender or a goalie to get in the way.

Such instinctiveness cannot be acquired, you have to be born with it.
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Mick Harper
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It is no accident that Rashford has acquired all his old form (and more) now he's given up his modish leftism. I speak for all the deprived children in the red half of Manchester: "We'd prefer to go hungry, Marcus."
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