The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

They've gone too far this time

1. Wolves forward shapes up to shoot
2. Forest defender between him and the goal is facing the ball, as per the duty of all defenders
3. Defender turns through ninety degrees, making himself as small as possible as per current handball regulations
4..He keeps his arms rigidly by his sides as per current handball regulations
5. Ball strikes the arm facing the shooter as per the laws of physics
6. It's a pen, says the VARman
7. It's a pen, says the ref after consulting the monitor
8. For why?
9. Because the defender had not dematerialised himself into the fifth dimension as demanded by current handball regulations
10. I have deliberately posted this up before seeing what the studio panel makes of it. Will they propose a policy of sanity?

[Mick Harper]

Lineker did. Just the two of us then. But what a two!

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

And talking of stop-start goalies

1. Chelsea buy Arrizabalaga, the most expensive keeper in the world
2. Chelsea relegate Arrizabalaga to the reserves because he's rubbish
3. Chelsea hire new manager
4. Arrizabalaga starts playing like the most expensive keeper in the world.

It's called The Potter's Art.

[Mick Harper]

If Man City bought Hannes Wolf from Monchengladbach they would have Wolf & Haaland up front.

[Mick Harper]

Police 5

No, not Arsenal stealing a win at Leeds but the thirty-seven minute break while the ref repaired his communication thingy. Why's that a police matter? Because the hiatus meant it was a nil-all draw after forty-five minutes, and that's the operable result for far-eastern multi-game betting scams. How many times do I have to tell them that?

But there's no need to look at how we managed to get Man City to lose and Man Utd, Newcastle and Spurs to draw. You can't do it all on the park.

[Mick Harper]

Memo from the Premiership

Now that everyone is giving away handball penalties at every opportunity -- see Directive 217 (2022) 'Enlivening the Game' -- referees are enjoined to let anything go when it comes to roughhousing defenders. Up to but not including acts which would invite criminal charges of affray and grievous bodily harm, which should be penalised with a yellow card if a first offence and a stern talking to if a second.

Alan Hardacre
Lancaster Gate
c/c Category One Officials, Gary, Dermot

[Mick Harper]

Why is Refwatch boring and does it matter?

It really does. Not to football, not to Sky Sports, but to the whole fabric of British sports-talk programmes. The watching of which, need I remind you, represents 27% of all leisure activities undertaken by the average British geriatric-on-a-sofa. Mainly spent watching American sports-talk programmes because they do them infinitely better than any Brit broadcaster. Here's why, taking Refwatch as my text but it applies in whole or in part to them all.

1. It has a buffoon in charge. They think it 'humanises' a dull technical show. No, Sky, only dull technical people watch it so it not only irritates us, it makes the whole thing dull because he renders it non-technical.

2. They have a resident expert. No, Sky, you ring the changes so that a) you uncover unexpected talent and b) we do not get to hear Dermot's take on things every week.

3. They have a woman and an ex-footballer as interlocutors. No, Sky, you need journalists. If they are women and ex-footballers too, that's all to the good, but they have to be experienced in analysis, forensic enquiry and exposition. Not in being women or footballers.

4. The programme has to cover a set number of incidents from the weekend in half an hour. No, Sky, it takes what it takes. If you watched Pro-Football Live instead of listening to it for profanities and banning it if there are too many, you would find out they might devote a whole hour to one incident of a refereeing error. That's 'cos it's professional and they care about the sport. That's why we watch it and why we excoriate Sky in such numbers when they ban it that Sky has now shame-facedly resorted to putting it on tape-delay with a bleep-edit. Bottom, yes; arse, no.

And that's their national sport I'm talking about. Imagine what it could be like if it was ours.

[Mick Harper]

Liverpool 1 West Ham 0

West Ham missed a penalty. Moments before, van Dijk was observed by the cameras (but not by the referee) to be scuffing up the penalty spot. This is a blatant act of cheating which might have had a direct effect on the result of a significant game and the ultimate disposition of the League table.

Therefore
(a) What are the Liverpool authorities going to do about this besmirching of their good name?
(b) What are the Premiership authorities going to do about punishing either van Dijk or Liverpool?
(c) What are the BBC authorities going to do about Match of the Day thinking it not important enough even to mention it?

My information is
(a) nothing
(b) nothing
(c) nothing

[Mick Harper]

Why is it that when a striker cuts in from the left (or right) then tries to curl the ball over the goalie into the right (or left) top corner, the result is (a) nine times out of ten the ball is too high or too wide and (b) once every ten times it nestles in the net? It's for an AE reason which you will identify if you identify why (c) is missing.

When (a) happens, the striker gets a round of applause for a good effort. When (b) happens, he gets a thunderous round of applause. When (c) happens, and the goalie rather effortlessly plucks the ball out of the air, he gets thunderously abused for not crossing it, being selfish, having two left (or right) feet and so on and so forth.

Strikers learn this lesson at the academy and hence follow a strict career-long policy of erring well on the side of (a) because of (c). So next time your man does (a), give him a good round of abuse. That might learn him.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Roundup

Why have Spurs adopted the complete Chelsea look as their away strip?

Meanwhile Chelsea's fox has been shot.

I do not like the look of the Brentford manager. His old fashioned 'trendy' haircut is the one villains always have so we know who the killer is before Colombo unmasks him.

Sorry, Frank, Ladbroke's are no longer even taking bets.

Why were none of these matches on either Sky or BT? Answer: Amazon Prime had snaffled them up. I thought there was an agreement with the government that important sporting fixtures must be shown on ordinary pay-per-view?

The absent Haaland is currently demonstrating there are no natural goalscorers in the Premiership. And, yes, that applies to the also absent Jesus. Everyone can now do everything with rare brilliance except for the point of it all.

Sterling has (I think) been dropped by Chelsea.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Wiley is going to risk a comment on the $100 million lawsuit between Hans and Magnus, as it holds much more interest than any future chessgames will ever do.......

So here is Coyote's advice to all parties (and it's free!)

1.Hire Camille Vasquez, she is the best.
2.Try not to make it too obvious you fancy Camille Vasquez if you are lucky enough to hire her.
3.Remember Chess is not so glamorous as you think, Camille has not seen "The Queen's Gambit.". She was acting for Johhny Depp against Amber Heard at the time of the release.
4. If you really can't help yourself, then you might want to consider that Depp is Camille's new partner.

Hope this helps.

[Mick Harper]

World Cup 20/20 England vs Afghanistan

Plenty of Taliban beards on show. Moeen Ali, Adil Rashid, umpire Aleem Dar.

[Mick Harper]

When is the Jesus Cult going to give it a rest? Even now -- and we're sixty minutes into the Southampton game -- the commentators are saying nice things about him. As I pointed out year after year when he was at Man City, there was a reason Pep played without a No 9, it was because Jesus was his No. 9. And Pep knows. Yet year after year, no breath of criticism was directed towards him. Why? Because he does the occasional spectacular and has a great set of anguished expressions for when he misses a goal. Which he does all the time. Not in the 'one in two/three' sort of way of a competent striker but in the one in five/six times that 'unlucky' strikers specialise in. Year after year.

Well, Arteta, you had a front row seat at City, why did you think the donkey would change his spots in exchange for fifty million of my hard-earned theoretical season ticket money? You may be top o' two tables but I'm still watching you. We haven't played anyone decent yet.