The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Wile E. Coyote]

I can't see any way out of the trans debate in sport because for your liberals it's about identity and participation and for the rest of us it's really about winning, and even when we get older and less competitive, we then try to win through our children.

[Mick Harper]

The only fundamental aspect of sport is a notion of equality. Sport is not possible without competition and competition is not possible unless all are playing to the same set of rules. This is why it is ridiculous for intersex (I don't know how else to describe it) South African runners or Soviet shot-putters to be competing against women. Of course they are going to win. Just as they are as certain to lose against men.

Now it is true that certain individuals will not be able to compete in certain categories of sport but to abolish the 'sport' to accommodate them seems to me perverse. There may have to be trans-Olympics, just as there is the Paralympics, but nobody as far as I know considers Paralympians are hard done by. Except for being Para in the first place.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Burnley defender looks behind him, measures the distance, then swings his arm at the Man City player's throat. City player writhes around the floor in agony, ref thinks about it, yellow cards the Burnley player. After review, the decision stands. That's not a yellow card, it's not a red card, it's a criminal offence.

[Wile E. Coyote]

All teams will soon be playing 5, 5. The whole concept of middle is outdated.

[Mick Harper]

An excellent observation except isn't it 6, 5 now the goalie is an integral part of outfield play?

[Mick Harper]

Man City 1 Atletico Madrid 0

Two things of note: this was the most boring game to watch since Holbeach Road 11 Sandhurst Road 0 (apart from the plucky display by the away keeper. "It was worth going a mile to see that," said his mother. "Shame about Holbeach being a mile and a half.") Atletico's habit of shutting up shop is only worth watching if a) you cared and b) the other side haven't dropped their two best players for unlocking defences, Grealish and Foden, despite this being their most important game of the season to date.

90th minute: Grealish gets fouled, so what's new? Atletico bruiser coming over to kick ball into Grealish's face, is fairly new. Ref giving him a yellow card instead of six months suspended is not new.

[Wile E. Coyote]

"How not to win the world cup"

A treatise on the ancient tournament game of football by: World Cup Wiley


Rule 1 : Don't play away from home

Most world cups are lost before a ball is kicked, headed or saved. England are only capable of winning a cup on home soil, so by agreeing to play in a nation, or nations, where it is simply too hot, there are flies, they don't sell alcohol, or "quel horreur" don't serve full English breakfasts, immediately scuppers our chances. You can do many things but the facts can't be bent. I am afraid only truly exceptional nations like a flashy Brazil, or super disciplined Germany, will win away from their home stadia. For the rest, the great majority of mediocre nations, I am afraid the chances of winning away are tiny. We have basically lost before we have started. Football will not be coming home, it will be going the way of a better team than England. Our only comfort is that a slim chance is better than none, and both fans and players like to dream, so it is to the managers and players of all these nations that are really just making up the numbers and desperately trying to avoid the public humiliation of a loss to Macedonia, or some such, that this exceptionally helpful treatise is aimed. So read on.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Rule 2: Don't state you will win the World Cup. You won't

Now that we have worked out we have no realistic chance of winning but instead are just aiming to make a brave fist of losing, we can launch our campaign "Not to win the world cup".

The second rule is obvious, it follows from the first. If you are a manager or player do not ever do a "MacCleod."

[Wile E. Coyote]

Rule 3: Don't offend your hosts with thoughtless comments

Having done everthing in our powers to get the Cup switched from Qatar to Wembley on the basis of the excessive heat and their underpreparedness for such a prestigious tournament, the players and manager now have to reluctantly accept that it is going to happen abroad.

In such a situation it pays to remind the squad not to unintentionally offend the hosts who have made many sacrifices to put on this tournamant. In fact, in 2018 the Russians went so far as to actually put back their planned invasion of Ukraine, just so that we could not win the world cup in their country.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Rule 4: It is unrealistic to expect our team to act like saints, therefore we need to stop them sinning

Basic standards are really important, when travelling abroad the team are the nation's ambassadors. Whilst other managers will be gently reminding their squads of that helpful proverb firstly attributed to Saint Ambrose "When in Rome do as the Pope does", I fear this will prove way too challenging for the English. No, we should strive to avoid sinning by calling the locals "Rag Heads", that sort of thing. Prince Phillip could get away with this sort of "slitty eyes" racism, but he was royalty, or at least married to royalty, so different rules apply. What is needed is for Southgate to bollock the team, remind them they are not royalty, and to try to get Maguire to stay off the Southern Comfort. If the WAGs can keep their tops on, that will be a bonus.

[Grant]

Alf Ramsey told everyone we we were going to win in 66 and Aime Jacquet told the French they were going to win in 1998.

Surely a good way to take the pressure off the players is for Southgate to say, “We’re going to walk it.” Any subsequent failure is down to the manager going mental. The players can relax and play their usual premier league game, which should be good enough to land the trophy.

Of course, he won’t say that because the only thing which comes out of his mouth is boring corporate speak.

[Mick Harper]

But then surely the players will relax even more. "Ol' Gareth and his corporate speak, you can nod right off. On me 'ead, Grealo."

[Grant]

But wouldn’t it be worth a try though? And we would be spared all the BS we are due from Gareth:
- no such thing as an easy group
- the US are a strong side and remember 1950
- Wales, Scotland, Ukraine will be difficult to beat
- Iran could surprise anyone

Let’s go full Ally Macleod - even though it didn’t work out well for him

[Wile E. Coyote]

Rule 5: Avoid Schoolboy, Schoolgirl Errors

There are already folks out there advising the England manager on how to win the world cup. Much of this super-advanced punditry, like whether we should counter a false 9, with a false sweeper who actually plays in front of the defence, is I am sure extremly well intentioned, but the current treatise has a more modest, practical aim, namely to avoid the disgrace of an early exit, given that we are not going to win.

Which brings us to Rule 5: Avoid Schoolboy, Schoolgirl Errors Why book a bridge-building, pre-tournament visit to a local school when the players haven't been out clubbing for a good few weeks?