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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Grant



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A) Southgate never remembers he can use subs until there is no point in using subs.
or
B) Southgate is so paralysed by fear of failure he puts off substitutions until the risk of failure is infinitesimally small.
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Grant



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If I was a multi-millionaire player like Bamford, I think I’d say “Thanks for the four hour flight to Hungary so I can sit on the bench and watch England, but next time I think I’ll stay at home and train for the team which pays me my handsome salary.”
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Mick Harper
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If I was a multi-millionaire player like Bamford, I think I’d say “Thanks for the four hour flight to Hungary so I got the opportunity of spending eight hours with the England football team, the objects of fantasising since I was a small boy. Then, you're never going to believe it, they let me sit on the bench with them inside the actual stadium to watch the game. But that's enough excitement for one life, from now on I'm going to stay at home and watch it on the telly with my mate Grant. He'd better not ask to borrow a tenner like he usually does."
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Mick Harper
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What to do about Hungarian monkey chants et al? One idea would be for UEFA/FIFA to announce: "Dear Hungarian FA, you can choose between having a stadium full of fans or an empty one for all competitive home games from now on. If you decide on the former, you will be deducted a point for any egregious outburst of racism. You will not be otherwise penalised."

This is a tricky decision. Can thirty thousand Hungarians hold their tongues (and their paper cups which the Guardian claimed were super-hard)? Is Hungarian nationalism sufficiently disciplined to prefer nem con to qualify for tournaments or express their racism? Best of all, if they know they haven't qualified (either for bad results or for bad behaviour) and they know they won't be penalised, we shall learn what happens when Hungarian racism really lets rip. And so will they.
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Grant



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Poland 1 England 1

Southgate has really excelled himself tonight with absolutely no substitutions in 90 mins leading to a tired England conceding. It’s like the statistical revolution in football has totally passed by him.

Other managers agonise over whether the first substitution should happen at 60 minutes, 70, 75. Southgate just thinks, why bother with any? The players look all right, don’t they, and if I make a substitution and Poland score I’m going to look a right wally.

Thank goodness Poland had the Arsenal reject in goal or things might be looking tricky
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Mick Harper
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Because of the visit of a non-footballing member of the family I had to leave the match, to watch an old Frost, when it was still 0-0 after an hour or so. I had been quite pleased with Gareth's initial selection but it was obvious by halftime that it was a) safe to dispense with one of the two central defensive midfielders and b) essential to bring on a tricky dealbreaker, Saka or Bellingham or whoever. I left when Saka was actually warming up on the touchline and I thought, "Good-oh, as long as he doesn't bring off Grealish to make way."

It is getting very close to even Southgate's comprehension threshold that sticking Grealish out on the wing is just plain soppy. An away score draw is fine in the circumstances. Not that I'm judging by results!
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Mick Harper
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with absolutely no substitutions in 90 mins leading to a tired England conceding

This sounds correct but isn't really. Since eight players are going to play the full ninety minutes anyway and the other three don't know they are going to be substituted, it follows that all eleven players have trained for and have played in anticipation of the full ninety. Certainly I could see no evidence of England running out of steam despite the expert saying, "He didn't react sharply enough to prevent the goal because of fatigue." Someone who had just come on and did the same thing would elicit, "He didn't react sharply enough, he'd just come on and hadn't got the pace of the game [or whatever]."

Tactical substitutions and substituting people who are off their game or have been 'found out' by the opposition after a bright start is a different matter. That requires a keen mind and not something we can ever hope for from Southgate. Who, remember, brings other qualities to the job. For AE reasons he can't say to an assistant, "I'll leave substitutions to you, I'm useless at it."
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Mick Harper
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"Premier League. Lord Bigshot speaking."
"Cristiano Ronaldo here. I want Cavani's Number Seven shirt. Change your rules on players' numbers."
"Yes, sir, Mr Ronaldo, sir."
"God speaking."
"Cristiano Ronaldo here. I'm 36, change your rules on entropy."
"Yes, sir, Mr Ronaldo, sir."
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Grant



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Crystal Palace 3 Spurs 0

Told you - Viera is the next Arsenal manager
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Mick Harper
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Could people not post up scores until Match of the Day is finished? Though obviously Grant is just pulling our leg here, so I don't mind. Reminds me of the Reuters 1950 World Cup scoreline USA 1 England 0 which everyone knew was a teletype misprint.
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Grant



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So why is the US Open final being contested by two teenagers?

Here’s a possibility which no one in the mainstream media will mention: the Olympics was only a month ago and most of the top women were competing. They were worried that the serious drug testers in Japan would catch them, so they’ve spent a whole year clean.
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Mick Harper
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But which drugs should we be testing for? Golf doesn't require muscle build or endurance so are we talking the snooker apéritifs which, in Big Bill Werbeniuk's case was said to be six pints of lager to calm his tremors, but were actually beta-blockers. And it turned out they were all taking them. It settles your cueing action apparently. You're our crack investigator, Grant, tell all.

PS Find out which golfers were prepared to jeopardise a year's earnings in return for a fifty-to-one shot at a gold medal. Not that they would have been selected after performing so badly.
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Mick Harper
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For golf read tennis throughout, Hatty reminds me. Spelling was never my strong suit. Though oddly my arguments still hold. Arguing was always my strong suit.
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Mick Harper
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Our new Belgian in midfield has got Samba on his back but is referred to throughout by the commentator as Conga. Personally I don't mind these dancing nicknames, it adds to our reputation for controlled loucheness. But I do mean controlled. Military Twostep would be acceptable for a central defender, for instance, but not Gay Gordon, not even for a goalkeeper. Spurs, as usual, wanted desperately to get in on the act by trying out other recreational pursuits. When Samba's brother was signed by them as a junior he was known as Paul-José M'Poku Ebungé. "We didn't know what to call him when he got transferred to Standard Liège," his mother tells me.
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Wile E. Coyote


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"How does it feel to be the winner of.....?"
"Would you like to say a few words to"........
"Can you say a few words in your own language to "

Plus one earnest question about a controversial incident.

That is it, you have cracked it, as a pitch, ring, court, track side reporter.
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