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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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All right, let's be having you. Saddle up, it's the Olympics. Your country needs you. Unless it's some other country in which case you can just ficken sie auf back there for the duration. Yes, I know it gets harder every time but that's no excuse for not pitching in with what you've still got. Do you think I want to get up early tomorrow and watch rowing heats? I can take the easy option and write another world shattering book but the world can wait a couple of weeks for that. Great Britain and Northern Ireland can't.

Your detailed timetable is being sent under separate cover and apologies for the lateness but we didn't want you to have time to pretend you were on holiday. Still loads of gaps -- the women's Graeco-Roman freestyle junior catchweight prelims are completely uncovered -- but Hatty's going to ask her Neighbourhood Watch. Rather appropriate really. And of course the old bugbear, athletics, ever since our drugs couldn't keep up with their genes. Our plan to get hold of some Somali asylum-seekers didn't work out. They turned their noses up at us. Yeah, well, Citrius, Altrius, Fortrius to you too.
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Mick Harper
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Twelve-year-old Sky Brown is set to become the youngest British summer Olympian of all time after being named in the Team GB skateboarding squad. BBC

I'm struggling with this one. You've got your market town without a major football club, you've got your concrete bowl built to stop the Travellers parking up there, you've got your teenage girls sitting along the wall trying to look slaggier than they actually are, you've got the big lads keeping out the less-big lads in case they get shown up, you've got a nine? ten? year-old girl coming along with her skateboard. Somehow I don't think so.

We're looking at an equestrienne-type situation here. "Yes, laying out a three-day eventing course did cost a few bob but all her friends had one so what was I supposed to do? It qualifies for set-aside payments so it's not as if it affects the bottom line."
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Our representative in the women's single sculls is six foot three. Now I've been round the houses with a fair few women in my time -- including a few Luo ones -- but I've never come across anything on this scale. Long levers are a bit of an advantage in the single sculls so it looks like the boffins have been on the top of their game with this one.

But the programme doesn't seem to have reached the breeding stage as there was no Brit in the men's single sculls. It may be that they can only produce mules. Day one, morning one, event one, done.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Mick Harper wrote:
Our representative in the women's single sculls is six foot three.


Do the Public Schools add growth hormones to the school diet?

The Boreadettes didn't get where they are today without mixing with the offspring of the privileged elite at the local Public School. Mostly while serving them beer in the local pubs. They (the privileged elite offsprings) are up to a foot taller.
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Mick Harper
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What are bunch of dimbos you are. Your little cherubs were on one side of the bar, their little cherubs were wearing platform heels on the other side. If you all bred together rather than perpetuate these outdated class prejudices about one another we might have fewer dimbos in the countryside. "Fewer dimbos in the countryside." That's one to savour. Not in my lifetime.
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Mick Harper
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Just to mark your Olympic card with the important developments so far:

1. Eurosport are running six dedicated extra channels which you only discover by accident.
2. Extravagant recording of these means when you wake up you find your digibox is showing 100% and you have to go into extreme recovery mode.
3. You can employ fast forward throughout until you see a union jack somewhere whereupon you can actually watch a bit of sport for a change.
4. Ignore ludicrously extended borathons like football, three-a-side basketball (who knew?), volleyball etc in favour of bish-bosh events like judo, taekwondo, boxing, rowing etc
5. Special care needs to be taken in long-form sports with major Brit interest eg the six hour men's road race and a team consisting of four Grand Tour winners who didn't reveal themselves to be bunch of manky losers who shouldn't have been let out of Bury, Lancs (and Welsh and London equivalents) until the two hundred kilometre mark.
6. Early signs are you can forget about us being up with the big boys when the medal table comes out. The second and third place in the last two Olympiads will now be seen to be our Victorian heyday i.e. when we were writing the rules and before everyone else said thank you very much, we'll have some of that, now get back in your hutch where you belong. And don't come out until tea-time, your mother and me have things to discuss so stop snivelling, why can't you be a man like your brother, you've been a real disa
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Boreades


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Is our Olympic medal haul this time going to be like our Eurovision score?

Madame et messieurs, Grande Britannia, nil point.

Can we start rehearsing our excuses now?

It was (multiple choice, tick the boxes)
[X] Trump
[X] Brexit
[X] HS2
[X] Covid
[X] Covid Vacc
[X] Matt Hancock
[X] Dominic Cummings
[X] Long way from home
[X] The food
[X] The weather
[X] The language
[X] Bad luck
[X] Everyone else cheated

Other excuses are available.
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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My Cricket 100 team are the Southern Brave.

If the crowd comes dressed as spitfire pilots we will be OK. If they put on warpaint we could be disqualified.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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It's a little known fact that 413 squadron were all Navajo Indians who made a major contribution to winning the Battle of Britain because German radio intelligence couldn't work out what they were at. Are the Southern Brave anything to do with my old team, Kent, who I used to watch at Biggin Hill? I often wonder what happened to them.

Socio-linguistic note: The term Indians is correct for 1951 when the Battle of Britain took place. And won, thanks to Mr Churchill who had just become prime minister.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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1951?
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Mick Harper
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Despite losing the popular vote to Labour, the Conservatives won an overall majority of 17 seats in the October 1951 general election and Churchill again became Prime Minister, remaining in office until his resignation on 5 April 1955.

Blimey, Borry, you think I don't know when the Battle of Britain was, when the Tories got rid of them socialists once and for all? Dakkadakkadakka!

PS Though I freely acknowledge I got the Navajo Indians wrong. They were the so-called "code-talkers" with the American army fighting in the Pacific confounding Japanese radio intelligence. I got them confused with the Poles. Though to be fair to myself, there is little to distinguish them in terms of cricketing skills. I'm under a lot of pressure here.
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Boreades


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Mick Harper wrote:
I'm under a lot of pressure here.


Be brave, mon ami!

I'm feeling a bit knackered as well, just watching Anna Kiesenhofer win the cycling road race.

Anna Kiesenhofer doesn't need to ride another kilometre again if she doesn't want to. The Austrian has achieved the ultimate - a relative unknown coming from nowhere to win Olympic gold. .. A Cambridge graduate, Kiesenhofer has written her name in her nation's history books, the first Austrian to win an Olympic road race medal and the first to win an Olympic medal in any cycling discipline in 125 years.

Ah, the advantages of an Oxbridge education.
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Grant



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One of the fascinating things about the Olympics is watching all the “surprise” results and “surprise” withdrawals. They don’t like it when they realise the IOC are serious about drug testing, do they.

Worst case so far is Pogacar, who recently won the TdF. Interesting that his performances peaked in the first days of the TdF when he showed he was the best time trialler and best climber. The second week he wasn’t so good but now in the Olympics he’s lost to Carapaz.

Better not mention it, think the BBC commentators
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Boreades


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Agreed, the media is often "surprised".

But I'm not.

I didn't get where I am today without being an elite athlete. That promised the selectors (and media) lots by an outstanding performance in one event. Only to be followed by a crap performance in the next event. Telling them I was completely and utterly knackered by the last good performance did not get much sympathy.

That, and not being able to get my specialist training diet in the Host Nation didn't help either.

Rattlers Cider and Ginsters Pasties? Where are you?
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Quiz question: what is the thing you have to watch out for at the end of a kilometre and a half of swimming, forty kilometres of cycling and ten kilometres of running?
Answer: running out of puff. Keep that firmly in mind cos it's the Olympic men's triathlon and the best runner in the field is a Brit called Alex Yee. Remember that name.

So, we get to the last transition (bike to run) and, glory be, we have two blokes in the small leading bunch which will decide the medals. We're the only country with two runners in the bunch. As you all know by now because I'm always banging on about it, running behind another runner cuts down resistance by about 30% i.e. is decisive in elite events. You can see where this is going, right? Wrong.

"Alex Yee is from Lewisham in South London" Television commentator
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