The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

England vs Ireland First ODI

Saquib Mahmood, Moheen Ali, Adil Rashid. Why don't we just invite the Pakistan team over and have done with it?

[Mick Harper]

Did you notice there was a remotely controlled camera whizzing around the boundary to catch those unavailing slides? No, you didn't and nor did you give a lot of thought to the human angle. I am pretty sure there are no guide rails at the Ageas Bowl, new though it be, and no infra-red technology can presently track a boundary rope, so it was remotely controlled. Have you ever tried to control something going around a circle with a joystick? You wanna try it sometime. Armchair spectators. What do they care? It's just a game to them.

[Mick Harper]

Put it this way. If Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman asked us if he could sell Newcastle United to Mike Ashley we'd tell him to take a hike.

[Mick Harper]

But seriously we need to work out what we really want from our big football cheeses. Spend money. That's it. If the Saudis came in and turned Newcastle into the PSG of the north, who wouldn't love it? Sunderland fans?

This reminds me of the big bribery scandals always attaching themselves to the Al-Yamamah weapons deals. I couldn't understand what the fuss was all about. If one lot of Saudi princes needed to be bunged in order that British workers could carry on making aeroplanes because another lot of Saudi princes were being bunged by some other consortium, that was fine by me. If it was Zambians paying over the odds for an air traffic system that might be a different matter which only goes to show the wisdom of AE's 'no fixed positions' position.

Same with football. It's a competitive business. Speaking as a Briton (not an AE-ist) I want all the big stars playing in the Premiership not for some poxy continental outfit, knocking us out of the Champions League. If it means Geordie women won't be able to drive into the city centre of a Friday night that's just a bonus.

[Chad]

Good... the Mickey Mouse cup’s out of the way and we can look forward to some proper football later this week.

[Wile E. Coyote]

"Ah the romance of the Cup, who is playing tonight, err United have made 9 changes from Saturday, looking forward to seeing the 12 year old from Latvia, heard incredibly good things from the training ground about him. Rovers are at full strength, could be last game for Morris he is now 42. What a servant to the team........already scored once this season, it was a own goal, but who cares, he always puts in a shift." "Predictions"

[Mick Harper]

Not so fast. There are lessons to be learned. First an interesting case of careful ignoral. The sending off of Kovacic illustrated something we all know happens but never mention. A ref dishes out a yellow card for anything, he dishes out a second yellow only for something really serious. In clear contravention of the laws of the game. Clearly in Kovacic's case he didn't realise until it was too late that it was a second but why don't we mention it? It is because we understand that the ref must be the Guardian of the Laws but everyone prefers him to be the Guardian of the Game.

Next: Arteta, is he for real? Listening to the players it was clear he had the one absolutely essential attribute -- he scares the shit out of prima donna footballers. Then, if the commentators are to be believed, he is capable of changing pre-ordained tactical set-ups. Leastways, something happened after fifteen minute. Though he couldn't stop a typical piece of Arsenal crassness. They get a goal for Aubameyang by lobbing it over the top, and so they spend the rest of the game lobbing it over the top ignoring the fact that Chelsea have closed that route down on account of Aubameyang's goal.

The only reservation about Arteta is in the deep dyed ambition department. He did, after all, stay way too long as Guardiola's number two. But I will judge on the basis of whether we can emulate the double-winning side of 1971 by adding the Community Shield.

[Wile E. Coyote]

The FA Cup should be cancelled. There is no point getting excited over a competition in which both clubs often do not field their best teams, and fans can't be bothered to attend, in the early stages. It is simply disrespectful to the teams, players and managers, of the past, who actually gave their all, in every round, against teams of full strength, sometimes over replays with extra time, to win what to them, would rightfully be a highlight of their career.

Please stop pretending this farce matters.

The End (hopefully).

[Mick Harper]

It's a fashionable view among the watching public but a lot of people within the game are saying it's experienced a definite resurgence recently and should probably be regarded on a par with Champions League qualification. Way ahead, certainly, of winning the Europa Cup. And Spurs.

[Mick Harper]

England vs Ireland Second ODI

Did you notice that one of the Irish batsmen walked off without his bat? That could only mean he handed it to the incoming batsman. Just like at primary school. I think we should award them a percentage of the gate money if they are this poor.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

You've convinced me. I'm going to recommend we hand it over to Chelsea.

[Mick Harper]

We don't hear much about pigeon racing since Chad took up watching television but the following calls for comment

[Chad]

Friend of mine kept pigeons when I was a kid. Didn’t race them, didn’t eat them... spent most of his time cleaning them out.

Used to swap most of the eggs for pot replicas, then we’d use the real ones (lined up on the fence) for air rifle practice.

Great hobby... shooting air rifles... not pigeon keeping.

[Mick Harper]

It is, I agree, one of the weirder hobbies. Even the full on racing enthusiast doesn't seem to get much bang for his buck. It is clearly a variant on man-spends-life-in-potting-shed to get away from the wife and kids without having to go down the pub every night and spend time with even more boring people.

Of course pigeons are one of the more important ingredients in the Megalithic Empire but it is difficult to trace any link. Was your friend a member of the Cistercian Order? It's a real giveaway. He'll call it male pattern baldness, we call it a tonsure.