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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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I'll put it on pause and point out two dreadful bits of managerial non-preparation. It's nine million degrees (fahrenheit), there's no shade, the Arsenal subs are isolating across a vast acreage of sun-broiled St Mary's. One of them is holding an umbrella -- have you any idea what holding an umbrella for forty-five minutes is like? One's got a sweatshirt swathed as an Aunt Jemima bandanna. Do you know what effect forty five minutes of sun will have on the unprotected bits of flesh? Aunt Jemema does and wouldn't be caught dead outdoors. The rest of them are just 'manning it out' stoically hoping to catch Arteta's eye. It's a race between coming on and going down with sunstroke.

So now Soton have started placing two players on the edge of the area for Arsenal goal kicks. Blimey, there's something you don't see every day, only on matchdays. Ooh, what to do? Ooh..er... well, I'll have to hoof it up the park, won't I, because nobody's coming back to help out. We'll lose possession and expend a hundred billion ergs (I don't know what that is in British Thermal Units) getting it back but what the hell, I can't be blamed.

No, Arteta you are to blame. Just because they had an efficient staff at Man City does not mean you can just stand around moaning they haven't got one at Arsenal. The buck stops with you, that's what it means being the main man. But then you've never been one so I suppose it's forgivable. I'll see if we can't get some parasols in during the summer window. All right, son? Chin up, pecker out.
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Grant



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On a great day for Liverpool, don't forget that Arsenal could have employed Klopp just a few years ago. Somewhere in another part of the multiverse Arsenal fans are celebrating their latest title
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Mick Harper
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I do not blame Arsenal for not appointing Klopp who might, for all we know, have proved a bust outside Germany. They did appoint Emery with a similar pedigree. This is my point, nobody can guarantee a successful managerial appointment but you can maximise your chances by observing a few basic rules (few of which would reasonably have applied to Wenger, let us not forget).

But you can all but guarantee lack-of-success by appointing somebody who has never been a manager before since then you are simply facing the overall success rate of new managers -- very small. It is all distressingly simple.

PS Another dismal display against the team with the worst home record in the northern hemisphere and the worst possible outcome, a win.
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Mick Harper
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On a great day for Liverpool

I trust you mean the team rather than the city. The other half of the city are women. I still think Man City are better as will be demonstrated eventually when Europe returns from its lockdown.
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Chad


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City’s performance against Chelsea was a confusing cocktail of class and comedy. The game was obviously low priority for Pep.

Putting out a team without a striker (Sterling doesn’t count) was an obvious indicator of ambivalence... but without a series of individual (and tandem) errors they could still have swept Chelsea aside with ease.

I’m sure we won’t see any slapstick repeat in Europe.

(And yes I’m pissed off that Chelsea got three points.)
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Mick Harper
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What was most disturbing was the gulf in quality between this match and Arsenal's. The pundits keep going on about 'Arsenal must stop investing in so-so players' and it is true that only Man City (and maybe Man Utd) can afford top quality in every position. Maybe also Chelsea used to be able to and are living on the fat to some extent. And Liverpool got lucky with their investments.

But back to Arsenal... what we heard was "Will they be able to keep Aubameyang" and "Saka's contract is up'. Good grief, as I keep pointing out, they're the top club in the top city in the top league in the entire bleedin' world. I understand they have a monetary regime that is both inefficient and miserly but even so the idea that we are a team of scuffers vying with Crystal Palace and Sheffield United for a place in the top half is pretty weird.

And talking of Palace, we decided Wilfred Zaha was too expensive so we bought Pepe for the same money. Even though wingers were the last thing we needed. Something's wrong at a more fundamental level. This is true also of Man Utd -- every manager fails, must fail. But there's a difference between the two clubs. You can see that Man Utd understand they're meant to be playing supserstar football. Arsenal look as though they want to be top o' the scuffers.
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Mick Harper
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There is a well-known and still unresolved paradox that goes like this. A prisoner is condemned to death on Monday, sentence to be carried out within a week. The only proviso is that the prisoner won't know which day. "So," argues the prisoner, "they can't wait until Saturday because then I know it will be Sunday, but if they can't wait till Saturday that means they must execute me on Friday otherwise I'll know but if etc etc" until he realises they can't execute him at all. So he's astonished when they come for him on Wednesday.

Players' contracts have now taken on this character. Clubs apparently can't afford to wait until a player is in his last year so must negotiate the year before that. But since the player knows this he's got them over a barrel, so the club should try to do it a year before that. As agents make their money when players move clubs they hold out for contracts that are four years, even three is becoming common. So it would seem that contract talks should start as soon as he's signed on the dotted line.

I've got a feeling that this hasn't dawned on Arsenal yet. Still they've got Ozil tied down until he reaches retirement age, so they're definitely learning. Except nobody will be able to tell he has retired. Damn.
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Mick Harper
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People clapping at the end of one of Stalin's speeches often ended up with bleeding hands because nobody could afford to be seen as the first to stop applauding. We have reached this stage with Premiership players taking a knee to show solidarity with the Black Lives Matter campaign. Clearly it will have to stop one day but nobody, certainly no white player, can decide that time has come. Step forward our prime minister-in-waiting, Marcus Rashford. Yes, dear boy, it falls to you. But I'll phone Tyrone Mings in case you bottle it.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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London is in serious danger of not having a team in next season’s Champions League (particularly if City get their ban overturned).

Given that London is the Capital...with all the advantages that brings with regards to player recruitment (not to mention the fact that it has a better climate)... why has it always been so far behind Lancashire in term of footballing success?
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Mick Harper
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Policy decision. We get everything, you get the football.
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Chad


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Aye football... and when I were a lad, we had much better beer. Nowt like that flat shite you drank down there.
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Mick Harper
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All right, the beer as well. Jesus Christ, these people. I say 'people' ...
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Mick Harper
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There's been a cabinet reshuffle. It's now Mason Greenwood for Prime Minister. He beats Pitt the Younger's long-standing record.
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Mick Harper
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I couldn't watch Wolves v Arsenal on account of BT's OB director deciding to frame the action from so far away it was like watching Subbuteo. We've only been doing it for seventy years so it was understandable really. And I decline to join in with the ex-Arsenal pundits doing cartwheels round the studio because 'Arteta has got them all working as a team'. If I want to watch Wimbledon I'll go to Milton Keynes and watch them.
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Mick Harper
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£54 million Sané checks in at Bayern Guardian headline

Is there a transfer window on? I want to get over-excited.
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