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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Alternative Fight of the Week

The stinkbug is spreading so fast via container lorries that it now threatens Turkey, the world's major supplier of hazelnuts. Farmers there are demanding the artificial release of its only natural predator, the samurai wasp.
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Mick Harper
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I see from the Guardian that the sports channels are offering to freeze payments for the duration but you have to apply on line by filling out a form. Can I afford to take a day off just to save a coupla hundred spondoolicks? Can the sports channels afford the loss of goodwill by continuing to take our money and offering nothing in return? Probably. That's why we're called armchair spectators. We're not like that bloke who goes to the Emirates twice a week -- once on Saturday and again midweek -- because, as he puts it, it's the safest place in London, and who I just made up.
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Mick Harper
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My God, I bet they start doing just that. I know I am.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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Perhaps they could allow the Emirates pitch to be used for exercising dogs... It’s accustomed to hosting shite.

(I’ve put in an application to do the same at Old Trafford.)
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Mick Harper
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No, no, Chad. That first line was Swiftianly hysterical. Then you go and spoil it by going all fair on us. Be like Roy, not Duncan.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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Old Trafford would actually make a much better venue, in which to exercise dogs. The shit pile at the Emirates is so large it would leave little room for canine excrement.

Better?
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Mick Harper
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You forget Bernese mountain dogs.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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S’pose they could show Arsenal how to get to the top of the pile.
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Mick Harper
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I will let you have the last word.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Yes dear.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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Having done the ‘cold turkey’ I no longer crave sport.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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I’m beginning to miss the ‘cold turkey’.
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Mick Harper
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I've just realised we can carry on playing cricket. Just a few adjustments will be necessary. The wicketkeeper will have to stand back to all types of bowling; the non-striker will have to stand where "the runner" stands when he is substituting for an injured batsman; and the close catchers will have to be 'gapped' i.e. first slip, third slip, gully etc as the captain determines. This leaves only two people in danger, the bowler and the umpire he passes so closely to on delivery. Easy! He is now the third umpire in the pavilion. He can even do the reviews while he's there. Move over Duckworth-Lewis, this is Harper Cricket.

For county cricket no action will be necessary in respect of spectators. But do not ask outfielders for autographs while the bowler trudges back to his mark. Just throw the book at him.
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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Mick Harper wrote:
I've just realised we can carry on playing cricket.


Not sure, the problem comes on run outs. Wiley speaks from experience. Whilst keeping against the Local TV station, South Today, I managed to knock out the TV sports presenter's front teeth. He was trying to take a risky two down to third man, so as the throw came in I was by then in front the stumps, and spectacularly took off the bails with a cry of Howzat!

Unfortunately, as I appealed, my shoulder connected with his mouth as he passed the crease. He was in, but out, and then retired hurt, and sadly did not appear on TV for many nights.

You underestimate man's competitive instinct, even with our desire to social distance and support our NHS.
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Mick Harper
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In Subbuteo Cricket this has been solved because it always takes so many flicks to get the ball back to the wicket (you divide by two to get the number of runs run) that everyone's gone off for their tea. Got it! Life-sized Subbuteo figures with JCB's 'pushing' them about. This time I'm charging for the idea.
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