The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Yes, I agree de Gea will have to go but let him leave with some dignity.

[Chad]

Sadly, that looks rather inevitable and is probably best for all concerned. I would though, try to persuade Romero to stay, in case young Henderson gets a touch of stage fright.

At least that’s the consensus down the saloon bar (or as we say up here, the vault).

[Mick Harper]

I'd never heard of this Henderson, as we say down south, until they started wittering on about it post-the horror show. Now it seems he's the future of England. Before we say ave maria to de Gea, it's worth pointing out that, astounding as it may seem, he has been disguising United's awfulness for many years.

PS Arsenal, Chelsea and Spurs are remarkably and collectively awful at this time. I can't figure it at all. It may be that we can't handle the responsibility of shifting the capital from Brussels. Should we move it on your way?

[Chad]

I’d move it around... Let cities bid for it, like they do the Olympics.

It would have to be aligned to properly fixed parliamentary terms (no more cut and run) and no winning city can re-apply until it’s been away for at least a decade.

We will need some sort of qualifying criterion... Maybe they should have to have a test cricket ground.

Or have had a world heavyweight champion...

[Mick Harper]

The Gypsy King. I see what you mean about moving it around. The entire government processing round the country in a giant caravanserai. It's never been tried but, damnit, that doesn't mean it can't be done. We could have them descend on billionaires and clean 'em out! Could be a knighthood in it for you, Chad. Unless you've already got one, you've never said.

[Mick Harper]

Portsmouth vs Arsenal

They've put Mike Dean in charge, a Premiership referee. Hardly fair, I would have thought. Did I mention we're concentrating on the Cup this year?

[Chad]

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

Isn't it about time performance enhancing drugs were legalised for all sports. If athletes want to win (and in most sports only winners can pursue their dreams of a lucrative sports career ) they have to have freakily high levels of genetic potential and train super hard from a young age or, err, cheat.

Given that the former is unlikely, the latter is of course the norm. When the latter becomes the norm even those with the freaky genes are gonna do the same. Net result: drugs are rampant, the skill is finding loopholes around the laws, or falsifying the tests and so on.

At present there is simply no way that drugs-free athletes are going to win, and guess what: even when they do.... they are still suspected of cheating.

No, it's time to legalise.

By all means criminalise and prosecute those trainers and sports doctors who have killed or made their athletes ill, but if it's safe let them use it.

[Mick Harper]

This is proposed from time to time but then it would merely be a battle of the labs. I wouldn't object if I thought it would be our labs that came out on top but given that the British government are a bunch of namby-pambies who insist on spending our taxes on (Can you look it up, Hatty?) rather than cradle-to-gold medal sport for the masses, I must oppose your proposal. At this time.

[Wile E. Coyote]

We will be the best as we just let our best foreign graduates stay here on the basis that they help. As the Chinese and Indians are great at this type of research but crap at sports, we are gonna win.

Team GB is back on top of the rostrum.

[Mick Harper]

The British Horseracing Authority has a tricky decision to make about whether to allow the biggest name in their sport, Sheikh Mohammed, to continue racing his horses in Britain because of their 'fit and proper person' test. On the one hand the Sheikh abducted and imprisoned his two daughters but on the other hand they weren't actually racing at the time.

[Mick Harper]

Saka, do something about that hair.

[Mick Harper]

Even the linesmen are wearing pony-tails. What next, a ref with a Mohican?

[Mick Harper]

A little dab'll do you, Grealish.