The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

President Macron joined the Tour de France today -- typical, first mountaintop finish, wanted to show how macho he was. Though riding in the commissaire's car was something of a cheat. Putin would at least have stripped to the waist. The Ministry of Overseas Development have entered Boris Johnson for this year's Dakar Rally now that Boko Haram are fairly quiet.

[Mick Harper]

Yes, we've all enjoyed the women's netball world cup, but I'm sure they've all got busy lives to live somewhere or other. It 's time to clear the decks for the serious stuff, the men's netball world cup. Let us hope we can add another notch to Aurelius's belt.

[Mick Harper]

The Tour de France just went over this deserted river, just outside Nimes. I've been gazing on France for decades without seeing the like. Is this common? Later on, the Eurosport colour bloke started going on about his whitewater canoeing adventures on it! [Les Gorges du Gardon]

[Mick Harper]

I've been saying it time and time again, England are not ready for test status.

[Mick Harper]

I've been saying it time and time again, Ireland are not ready for test status.

[Mick Harper]

So Leach opens, Moheen Ali at number eleven, Rashid in somewhere and with Root that'll give us a four man spin attack. We play all the Ashes tests at Taunton. I get an MBE for the idea which I decline contemptuously and launch a blistering attack on ... well, I haven't got that far yet.

[Mick Harper]

I know I'm always going on about it but every night you've got Charles Colville in the chair, you've got Bob Willis on one side and you've got A N Other on the other side. The future of the nation is on the line. Let's be clear, the empty chair can be filled by any player, ex-player, pundit, journalist, commentator, coach, administrator, me in the entire cricketing world. It's a gagging-for-it gig. So Skysports, here's your options

1. Someone who's the same nationality as the side England are playing. No. First off, if English isn't their mother tongue they'll bore us silly in two minutes; second off they think they have to speak for their country and thirdly you're limiting the chair pool.
2. A player or just retired player. No. They just can't bring themselves to criticise anyone. Most days, with England, that's a fatal flaw.
3. A commentator. No, they've already said it all live.
4. A coach. No. Endless justificatory PR if they're in the England set-up, worse if they want to be.
5. Administrator. No. That's why they're administrators.
6. Pundit, journalist. Yes. If they're any good. If they aren't, inviting them back again and again isn't going to improve them.
7. If they are any good, invite them back permanently.

That's what the Americans do. That's what we do with Bob Willis. What's the problem? Have we got bored with Bob Willis? Or Charles Colville for that matter though you have to mute him if he's introducing the highlights in case he tells you roughly what happened with his ridiculous efforts to make sure you stay and watch the highlights. I do not want to know it was exciting, Charles, I want to experience it being exciting. "How was it for you, darling?" "I'll tell you after."

[Mick Harper]

We won just in time. It's bucketing down here and a four-day test would have meant 'match abandoned' and them going off with a draw. Which we would have never heard the end of. That's the trouble with the Irish, always puffing themselves up with very little reason to do so.

Now we must get back to Boris Johnson and what he plans to do about cricket only being played in private schools. Abolishing private schools would solve that one. Next!

[Mick Harper]

Sometimes I think the "Premier" brand, so successful in England as to be widely emulated abroad, is in danger of becoming diluted

[Mick Harper]

Arsenal are in for Pepe, the Lille winger, for a club record £72 million. That's seventy two million fingers up to those people who thought we were stuffed full of attacking talent already and crying out for some defenders and midfielders. Harry Maguire? We'd rather have the Mcguire Sisters as our back three.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

No, but seriously, it is becoming clear under present conditions that Test match cricket is essentially a lottery. Burns, for instance, played and missed perhaps twenty times. Even taking into account soft hands and butter fingers, he ought statistically-speaking have been out perhaps three times. Following-on was roughly as likely as being in the box seat in the range of possible outcomes.

[Mick Harper]

Umpires, we have a problem. All the top umpires are either English or Australian, so we have to make do with some right duffer neutrals. We can be entirely confident that Australian and English umpires will umpire Ashes tests impartially, so why not let 'em? Because then the lesser breeds would demand their umpires umpire their test matches and you wouldn't trust that bunch of snakes with the bails. It's a fine line skirting between fairness and racism.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

With this Test World Championship business coming up it's been decided, in future, we will play five tests against Ireland and one against Australia. These new chaps must be given every chance.