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CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Entered a nice little government maze today.

1. You can apply online if you've got a scanner (to upload the required documents)
2. You can apply by post if you haven't got a scanner (my printer can scan documents, but you can't upload them)
3. To apply by post you have to give them your address (even though they already have it)
4. You cannot give them your address online
5. You have to phone them and tell them
6. This 'service' is currently suspended.
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Mick Harper
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I had some difficulty with this email. I knew roughly what it was all about

The latest update is: We have identified the problem and an engineer is on their way.
We now expect to have this resolved by 2022-11-18T15:00:00

The Virgin Media Team

but I had difficulty deciphering the string of numerals. Perhaps it was related to this one

The latest update is: We have identified the problem and an engineer is on their way.
We now expect to have this resolved by 2022-11-15T16:00:00

The Virgin Media Team

or possibly this one

The latest update is: We have identified the problem and an engineer is on their way.
We now expect to have this resolved by 2022-11-14T16:00:00

The Virgin Media Team
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Mick Harper
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I bear no animus to Virgin about the time it is taking to get my mbips up to warp speed and the fact that my internet goes off for indeterminate but brief periods while they do it. Whatever it takes is whatever it takes. No, I reserve my contumely for the person who composed an email that was to be sent out to millions of customers, or 'members of the Virgin family' as we are known. He (I would think) had to come up with an expression that pithily expressed a time and a date.

"I know," he said to himself, "why don't I reverse the normal practice and put the year first, then the month, then the day. Now I'll put in a capital T because that stands for Time, everyone knows that, and then I can use a twenty-four clock but I'll rather unusually include the number of seconds even though the time itself is going to be only to the nearest hour."

"Don't forget to run it all together, that always foxes them," his supervisor said.
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Mick Harper
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"There are eighty thousand children of school age that are simply unaccounted for." Official-type lady on Newsnight.

I was considerably heartened to hear this since my opposition to compulsory education is a matter of record. I was though slightly alarmed to hear the lip-smacking methods that were to be employed rounding these errant creatures up. The punishments that were to be meted out to their adult carers was, thankfully, left unspoken.
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Mick Harper
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Can anyone help with a small but significant problem. We intend to send out emails to people/institutions mentioned in Revisionist Historiography. In the email we shall be urging the recipients to consult the Amazon page since that will allow them to use the 'Look Inside' feature which shows them (or their institution) featuring in the Index and they will hopefully press the Buy Now button. (Well, wouldn't you?) But this is the problem:

1. If we don't include the Amazon URL, they probably won't bother to laboriously look it up.
2. If we do include it, it covers about four lines of email, makes it squiffily wide, looks like a lunatic sent it, and they probably won't even read the email.
3. If we use the short form bit.ly/3TBxtzM (try it) it looks like spam and they probably won't. (Would you click on it if you got this from an unknown sender?)

So, is there a short form that looks kosher that we can use in place of the short form?
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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All's Well That Ends At Last

Hello Michael,
As a valued customer, we wanted to share that we’ve just finished upgrading our fibre network in your area, using
more energy-efficient technology which means your Virgin Media TV and broadband services are now even more reliable.
On top of that, we now have a new, more robust monitoring tool that is working 24/7 to check service reliability in your area.
Take care,
The Virgin Media team
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Ishmael


In: Toronto
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Mick Harper wrote:
2. If we do include it, it covers about four lines of email, makes it squiffily wide, looks like a lunatic sent it, and they probably won't even read the email.


Amazon links are actually far shorter than you are led to believe by the URL in the address bar.

Here, for example, is the link to your book:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Missing-Persons-M-J-Harper/dp/095429114X/

Is it available in Canada?
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Ishmael


In: Toronto
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Make sure the look inside feature is active. I don't see it.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Wrong book. Missing Persons was withdrawn a year ago (though Amazon UK still has twenty-two copies which I am trying to to dispose of). Can you provide us with this deliciously short form URL for Revisionist Historiography. The UK page, though it is is available in the US for $40 and one copy has been sold, making it the five hundred thousand and something best-selling book in that fine country. (None in this country which tells us so much about my family and colleagues. I have no friends.)

If you send me your current snail mail address I will send you a freebie from my author account, not out of generosity but to test the time -- and the cost -- of ordering from Amazon US. And as a reward for all your work of course.
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Ishmael


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Here is the URL to the new book. Apologies for my confusion.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Revisionist-Historiography-M-J-Harper/dp/0954291166

As for sending me the book, I won't be back in Canada until April. April 1st. Make of that as you will. I wouldn't chance sending it to Tanzania.
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Mick Harper
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You're right, it's far too heavy for the native bearer with the stick. But how can you put up with not reading it until April? Cheers for the URL, just the ticket. Don't go down with dengue just yet I may have further need of you.
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Mick Harper
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I spoke too soon

Hello,
You have asked us to keep you up to date on the problem which is affecting
your Telephone and TV service(s). Fault Ref: F010194537 The latest update is:
We have identified the problem and an engineer is on their way.
We now expect to have this resolved by 2022-11-21T15:00:00

The Virgin Media Team

It's the engineer I feel sorry for. He's been on his way for a week now. So not a Londoner.
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Mick Harper
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This perceptive question got an even perceptiver answer (and many claps) which for some reason I won't put in a quote

Is Belgium Really as Splendid as It Seems? Amol Shrikhande
https://medium.com/@amolshrikhande1/is-belgium-really-as-splendid-as-it-seems-7980f5c09645

Belgium shows how tenacious nation-states are. A child of six can see that the Flanders half should saddle up with the Netherlands instead of being constantly à outrance with the French-speakers. Leaving Wallonia to join up with France who can afford to keep the rust-belt going. But these things are not even discussed! You mentioned football and that might throw some light.

For a start, there are two footballing greats thereabouts. Belgium may be second in the FIFA rankings but the Dutch are currently better. Now look at the composition of the Belgium team. Every last one of them is a Flemish-speaker except the odd goalkeeper. But then again French teams never have many 'Frenchmen' in them, to the constant chagrin of the anti-immigrant right.

Oh, and by the way, England are going to win the World Cup now they've left Brussels and all its machinations. Just as they did in 1966 before they joined.
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Mick Harper
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Here's something weird. I was trying to remember somebody's name from my youth and decided, since it was a very common name (I remembered that much) that I would find it and recognise it in the Top Hundred Girls name in the UK. Not only was it not there but not a single girl's name from my youth was in there either.

1. Amelia 2. Olivia 3. Isla 4. Ava 5. Freya 6. Mia 7. Willow 8. Evie 9. Lily 10. Grace 11. Rosie 12. Isabella 13. Daisy 14. Ivy 15. Emily 16. Florence 17. Poppy 18. Elsie 19. Sophia 20. Ella 21. Alice 22. Sophie 23. Phoebe 24. Sienna 25. Maisie 26. Harper 27. Millie 28. Sofia 29. Charlotte 30. Luna 31. Maya 32. Evelyn 33. Matilda 34. Ruby 35. Isabelle 36. Aria 37. Violet 38. Emilia 39. Lottie 40. Jessica 41. Arabella 42. Emma 43. Ada 44. Scarlett 45. Erin 46. Esme 47. Aurora 48. Hallie 49. Imogen 50. Eva 51. Eliza 52. Layla 53. Ellie 54. Mila 55. Chloe 56. Penelope 57. Molly 58. Thea 59. Delilah 60. Lola 61. Eleanor 62. Bella 63. Gracie 64. Bonnie 65. Darcie 66. Robyn 67. Lucy 68. Harriet 69. Iris 70. Clara 71. Rose 72. Zara 73. Heidi 74. Elizabeth 75. Hannah 76. Ayla 77. Mabel 78. Orla 79. Amelie 80. Lyla 81. Holly 82. Amber 83. Lyra 84. Elodie 85. Nancy 86. Margot 87. Olive 88. Myla 89. Maeve 90. Lilly 91. Eden 92. Summer 93. Frankie 94. Georgia 95. Jasmine 96. Nova 97. Annabelle 98. Maddison 99. Lexi 100. Niamh

Some are one or two generations before ours -- Ivy, Ruby, Mabel
Some were short forms of our names -- Rosie for Rosemary and Alice for Alison.
Some were long forms -- Penelope for Penny and Annabelle for Ann(e).
A few (Elizabeth, Charlotte) would have been in our top 100 but apart from that, it's pretty much a complete changing of the guard.
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Mick Harper
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Good news. The engineer has got a waiver from the Home Office (I pulled some strings) and is booked on the Trans-Siberian Railway

Hello,

You have asked us to keep you up to date on the problem which is affecting your Telephone and TV service(s).
The latest update is: We have identified the problem and an engineer is on their way.
We now expect to have this resolved by 2022-11-23T15:00:00

The Virgin Media Team
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