CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

The gasman cameth at the third attempt. He had no trouble finding a parking space this time. Though, he told me, the police had waived him past but stopped the bloke behind and were still giving him a grilling as our man sped off into the empty distance. Interesting à deux etiquette when letting him in, leading him down the stairs, showing him the meter etc.

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

Sorry, Borry, but this won't do. Whether you're paid or not is irrelevant. Presumably RNLI people do it for the non-pecuniary kicks, which is the same thing. Altruistic they are not. If the public are to pay their taxes as per your scheme, they need to know how brave (in terms of pro rata dying on duty) that lifeboatmen actually are. Give us the figures and rank them. For sure taxpayers think they're brave, for sure they think they're brave, but an AELman wants to know whether they are brave. Are you brave enough to give us those figures?

[Mick Harper]

Weird. I decided to go to far-off Sainsbury for a 'big shop'. It's nine a.m. Saturday morning. Bus comes along, completely empty. Picks up one passenger in seven stops i.e. non-stops, I got there in five rather than fifteen minutes. But they're queuing round the block when I get there. Bollocks to that. Off to my mini-Tesco. Walk right in. Everything normal except for arrows telling you which way you have to go. Forced to lug six bottles of fizzy water round with me the whole way. Bastard Boris Johnson. I bet he doesn't have to. Not that there is a Sainsbury near Downing Street, you have to go all the way to the Cromwell Road. No wonder they couldn't get anyone else to do his job.

[Mick Harper]

Guardian Fact of the Week

[Mick Harper]

Staring at the above quote, it tells us something about the generations. Surely second world war, German and bombing are somewhat superfluous. And yet I can imagine a younger person saying, "Bit silly, isn't it, taking a tube during an air raid?" I haven't bothered trying to reproduce their patois. The real trouble is that we got too much education, they don't get enough. I haven't bothered trying to make sense. Punchy. I've got an extended family who, whenever I try to make a serious point, go off into raptures about growing fruit and veg. The more I try to rein them in, the more fruit and veg we get. This is a direct quote: "Yesterday, the shoot of one radish emerged. Virtual self-sufficiency!" Yes, I know it's irony but I'm supposed to be the family ironist. I feel a bit left out, to be honest. There's no place for intellectuals during lockdowns. I wonder how they managed during the second world war against the Germans. Or, I suppose, against the British. It was a good deal worse that way round. Though growing your own fruit and veg made a lot more sense in both countries during the second world war between the Germans and the British (and others).

[Mick Harper]

Still staring at this page waiting for inspiration to kick in. Don't worry, I'll be off soon.

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

Quick tip to ensure everyone keeps their distance: wear a Zorro mask.

[Mick Harper]

The gasman didn't cometh. Well he did but that has not stopped me getting three letters today -- two from the gasmen, one from my landlord -- threatening me with all sorts if I continue with my wilful refusal to provide parking spaces for their representatives. "Notting Hill/Genesis will commence legal action against you. This could result in you losing your home." But it's OK, they've made an appointment for some high-up to visit and finally sort everything/me out. Anytime between 10 am and 2 pm three days ago.

As I have mentioned before you have to be tactical in these situations. It's always best not to be on blacklists but if I try to get off this blacklist I won't be successful but I may get put on the troublemakers' blacklist for complaining. Two lists surely means the Algorithm List. I feel like Patrick McGoohan.

[Mick Harper]

With everyone staying at home computer speeds are slowing down. Come on, Virgin, surely it's time to dig up Ladbroke Grove again and make sure my computer spends hours a day offline for months on end which you deny is anything to do with you so you needn't pay any compensation but even if it is you're only going to give me back the money I paid for the lost hours and not for all the lost business. `If they only knew, my businesses run at a loss so I'd owe them.

[Mick Harper]

Against my better judgement I rang the gas people to protest at being labelled a refusenik. As soon as it became clear that I was a serially wronged innocent man, the phone was slammed down on me. I then got an email about last Friday's Visitation. Apparently it went ahead. Apparently I had let him in myself! Apparently all the necessary works had been carried out already so he departed without registering on my mind.

This is not surprising. We get so many people checking the lights, the smoke alarms, the buzzers, for the flats, for the common parts, then back again to check the previous work, and then it starts all over again when some new set of regulations kicks in and everything has to be replaced. And we haven't even reached gas and electricity, meters and appliances. Oh, and before I forget, there's all the repairs. And the upgrades. I am half-expecting a visit from the Vice Squad after complaints from the neighbours. "It's all hours of the day and night. It ought not to be allowed."

But there is a serious point to all this. Social housing is now such a political football and hot potato that the nexus between rents and housing costs has been sundered completely. In classical economics rent is supposed to defray the cost of the housing and engenders, however imperfectly, a balance between demand and supply. In social housing economics, rent is supposed to defray the costs of being social housing. The actual housing is given to social landlords for free, originally by charity, then by the local council, now by the state. I don't mind, I'm the recipient of all this largesse. If I were a taxpayer, or even if I were someone trying to afford to rent somewhere in London, I probably would mind quite a lot. Unless I was a left-winger, they think there should be more of this!

[Mick Harper]

We changed the AEL boffin recently -- the last bloke, a Dutchman called Keimpe was far too cheap, in fact free -- and the changeover resulted in a few glitches. The new man complained that our software was designed by Babbage but things seem to have settled down now. Except for me. I spasmodically get notifications late, often by several hours. If it is just me I will accept it as a just punishment for being on AOL or my emails being intercepted by GCHQ but if anyone else is suffering would they sing out and I will take up our cases with GCHQ .... I mean the boffin. They would have intercepted the email appointing him in the first place so he works for GCHQ and will be able to fix it in a jiffy.

I'm mentioning GCHQ a lot so we get picked up by their name-recognition programs and they will start monitoring us. We need new members.

[Mick Harper]

By the way, some of you may not know this, but anything I write on this site may be used, verbatim or by paraphrase, by anyone when posting on social media. My name should not be mentioned however. You are free to pass it off as your own or by some general airy acknowledgement, as you prefer.

[Mick Harper]

It's been a long and winding road but I've finally made it to cult status in New Jersey. Little bit of respect round here, if you don't mind.