CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Did you know that sweetener dispensers float in coffee? You probably didn't, it's something you only learn later in life.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

Status Quo are the biggest band in the history of rock music. That's not what's interesting. They were being formed round the corner from me just when everyone I knew was forming bands round the corner from me. That's not what's interesting. What's interesting is that until tonight I had no idea any of this was happening. Some polymath I turned out to be.

[Mick Harper]

My watch strap breaks and, being a student of modern capitalism, I know it'll be cheaper to just buy a new watch. I press my Argos button. But wait, for the same £3.95 arrives-tomorrow-morning charge, I can get other stuff. So, a new keyboard, a bread board and a bread bin. They won't deliver cutlery sets for some reason -- something to do with knife crime in the capital, you've got to pick it up in person. Showing ID, I wouldn't be surprised. I know, you're way ahead of me. By the time I'd got all this sorted out, I forgot to order the watch. So that's two lots of £3.95's and a smirk from the Argos man.

[Mick Harper]

To stop you pestering me for news of the watch I’d better complete the saga. To avoid ongoing strap issues I had decided on a metal expanding jobby and while I’m not a poor person, I am a cheapskate, so I chose the least expensive option at £7.99. But this has come with a snag, or rather a trinket

[Mick Harper]

I may be poor but I'm not a cheapskate. The bread bin is top o' the line, veneered wood, lid emblazoned with Good Housekeeping Institute Approved. That's right, it's got a lid. No plasticky roll-top thingy is good enough for my kitchen. To be honest, I'd welcome a visit from Pru Leith. If she's in the area. It's useless for keeping bread in because a) you can't open the lid with one hand while holding a loaf of bread in the other and b) you can't open the lid with two hands without breaking your nails, but I won't be telling Pru that. We'll just admire it together.

[Mick Harper]

Sometimes life leaves me agape. As I may have mentioned on more than one occasion, my knowledge of the 'real' world comes from the few seconds when my computer is first switched on and the biggest stories of the day are spread before me. Today I was told a soap star had died accompanied by a picture of an attractive, youngish woman. I didn't recognise the name (well, I wouldn't have done unless it had been Ena Sharples) but I did recognise the name of the grieving husband -- Charles Bronson, Britain's most notorious prisoner. Try as I might, I couldn't imagine a world in which this could possibly be true.

[Mick Harper]

Gradually coming to terms with the new bread bin. I love it when I confound people's expectations.

[Mick Harper]

My coffee capsules are rated 1 - 10 in terms of strength. As you might imagine, I tend to go for what opera singers call 'the upper register'. They just turned it up to eleven! That's what it says on my newly arrived box of Starbucks Espresso Roast capsules. Those of you who are heeding Michael Moore's call to boycott Starbucks should stop reading at this point.

[Mick Harper]

It's heart-warming news that the British government is contributing ten million pounds so that Turner's Lake of Lucerne, the only painting in the Rigi series still in private hands, can be given to the Swiss. As you know, there are so many Turners in Britain we don't know where to store them half the time, whereas the Swiss are a bit on the light-side Turner-wise despite the very strong associations twix artist and country.

No, wait, it seems I've got some details wrong. The British government is launching a ten million pound public appeal to prevent the painting falling into the hands of the Swiss. Sorry about that. At least I avoided any cheap chocolate jokes.

[Mick Harper]

Help! Every now and again I am invited to email someone and when I click on it I get a big blue square with an envelope in the middle. After a bit of random clicking I get asked what account I want to use. That's as far as I ever get. Someone out there must know what I'm supposed to do next and please, just this one time, try to be helpful as opposed to being software engineer snooty.

[Mick Harper]

Have you noticed that policemen are beginning to look older once more? That's because they've started using actors. It's long been known that bobbies-on-the-beat have no effect on the crime rate but since we all need the reassurance of having them it's been decided they might as well come from, as it were, Central Casting. They are slightly more expensive than the real thing but early indications are that they behave better in a crisis. Again, they appear to behave better in a crisis.

[Mick Harper]

I sold a book on Amazon yesterday. Then I woke up. It had all been a dream.

[Mick Harper]

Microwaveable new potatoes prepared with butter and garlic are now slightly cheaper than new potatoes. I don't understand the economics but I understand how much I like it. Plus air miles can't be involved, can it?

[Mick Harper]

An interesting consumer report to report. First, the potatoes were al dente. Now that's exactly how I like them but not how Joe Public likes them. Unless I am now Joe Public. Though I prefer to think of them catching up with me. The butter? Not garlic butter, I misreported, but 'herb-infused' butter. I can't tell you which because it was all rather insipid, and not nearly enough of it. I was forced to hunt out some Anchor Spreadable from my own resources. My time's valuable, Tesco! Slather it on and bump the price by a penny.

I'm not charging either of you for this.