CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

I thought April 1st was an appropriate day to stop just kicking lumps out of other people on medium.com and start contributing original pieces myself so they can kick lumps out of me. (Yeah, right.) I only get paid for this when I've got a hundred 'followers' and so far I've only acquired thirty. So you are all requested to pile in -- gradually, we don't want them thinking we're a bunch of shysters going round the shops trying to get Tiger Feet into the Melody Maker Top Hundred.

I don’t know what you have to do – if joining medium is required you are excused -- but if any of you refuse to do it on the grounds of reluctance to prevaricate in public, remember collective responsibility makes liars of us all. So get to it. Hatty will be watching our algorithms to make sure you do. (Hatty refuses to do it herself but that's par for the course.) You can start off where I have started off:

https://medium.com/@mickxharper/old-lags-young-virgins-ebbda6b53a42
https://medium.com/@mickxharper/blood-on-whose-hands-d57a1811d45d
https://medium.com/@mickxharper/american-jurisprudence-explained-3b50b038faae

[Mick Harper]

You will see where I am trying to place myself. Comic writer with a serious streak. It is, as far as I have been able to ascertain, a unique position on medium where they take themselves tremendously seriously. I can start feeding in the punch-'em-in-the-guts stuff when I've carved out my niche. That way they can all say, ''That Harper! Plate tectonics doesn't exist apparently. He's a proper card, whatever will he come up with next. I must keep reading." How little they know.

What I'm going to do with the money I haven't decided. I hate all that conspicuous consumption stuff. Monte Carlo or bust. I'll probably endow a few university chairs and appoint myself, but I'm open to suggestions.

[Mick Harper]

What I really like about the Saturday shop is sitting on a wall, taking a breather on the way home, surrounded by shopping bags, eavesdropping on passing conversations.

"Would you look at him. The government should do something about the homeless, they're an eyesore if nothing else."
"People say he's the greatest brain in the known universe."
"It's not incompatible."

[Mick Harper]

This Week's Business Opportunity

You are ski-ing unconcernedly in a wealthy but louche resort when you spot in front of you a tasty chick-with-a-stick (it should have been two but she's skiing like she's got one). You increase your speed and glide up (down) behind her, putting your thrust leg in between hers. Phwoar! Then something happens and, suffice it to say, she sails serenely on and you are left on the ground with multiple injuries. Women! They just don't get it, do they?

Two further complications ensue:
1. You discover your health insurance doesn't cover high speed sexual assaults
2. The lady was no lady, but a famous and mega-rich film star with a worldwide reputation for vacuous silliness.

What do you do next?

[Mick Harper]

To update you on medium.com developments. The two comic ones got claps, the serious one didn't. I looked at the serious one and realised it was completely wrong. There was one good idea in there but to get to it you had to wade through fairly standard medium-type stuff. And nobody would. What is acceptable in a forum of trusties is no use on a platform of strangers. So I deleted it. Lesson learned.

I put up another serious one in its place https://medium.com/@mickxharper/advance-or-retreat-that-is-always-the-question-8227891f3999 which hasn't got any claps either. So far. I shall have to watch and see. You are, by the way, now excused all duties. You can behave as ordinary consumers. Apart from offering your footling advice here.

[Mick Harper]

Oh no! My computer is running so slowly I can't access RealSpeed to check how slowly my computer is running.

[Mick Harper]

No, it's back to 657 now. So much for Virgin.

Now Microsoft. I usually ring Hatty at nine for my instructions and noticed, as I was typing that last post, it was nine thirty. When I rang to apologise she pointed out (sleepily) it was eight thirty. Consulting my watch rather than my computer told me she was right -- second time in eighteen years -- and my computer was wrong. Bill Gates lives round the corner so, unless he's been given his own time zone (quite possible, we do tend to suck up to foreign oligarchs) Microsoft UK is going to get a rocket up its arse in short order.

Finally Lenovo. My laptop is permanently plugged in so it's always 100% charged. You would have thought. Yesterday I noticed it said 75%. Today it's 74%. Is it my computer and, come high summer, it's going to be 'Finito, Benito. All the best, Lenovo'? Or is it the government surreptitiously cutting down the wattage to save on its promises to cap our power bills?

Strewth, it's like having Cyril Ramaphosa in charge.

[Mick Harper]

The two things I drink all day are
1. Coffee from my Dolce Gusto coffee machine
2. Fizzy water from my Sodastream fizzy water machine

But how can I combine them? And if I do so successfully (I'm open to suggestions) will I, like the bloke who invented the equally obvious Red Bull, end up owning my own Formula One team? He can keep Red Bull Salzburg, RB Leipzig, Red Bull Bragantino, Red Bull Ghana, Red Bull Brasil and New York Red Bulls.

PS We'll need a name too. Coffizz is too close to Cofidis, the cycling team. Though I could buy them too, I suppose.
PPS On another machine front, I unplugged my laptop for three seconds, plugged it in again and now it's 100%. I've got a real affinity with small consumer durables.

[Mick Harper]

I've got a bad feeling about this one

[Mick Harper]

My medium career is so far distinctly medium. One thing that apparently gets you boosted is lists. You know, Ten Reasons not to Live in your Biggest City, that kind of thing. Not that one -- there aren't any -- but send in your suggestions. Here's one to get you going: Ten Reasons why I shouldn't Close this Website Down because You're a Bunch of Deadbeats.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Hmmm.

5 orthodox theories that can safely be discarded.

[Mick Harper]

Let's not frighten the horses so early in the race. Though you might care to give us your five within the safely of these portals.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Well I suppose I wouldn't have thought about challenging any of these without AE or, say, THOBR.

1)Proto-Indo-European

2) Middle English

3) Anglo Saxon Churches

4) Orthodox chronology, ie Common Era

5) Orthodox placenaming.

None of these would be missed would they?

[Mick Harper]

I forgot to mention, Wiley, there's a medium.com rule that all lists must contain at least one entry that one member of medium.com might reasonably be expected to have anticipated. On the other hand I've always been a rule-breaker... e.g. Ten emails from food retailers that made you physically ill

[Mick Harper]

1) Proto-Indo-European
Ten languages reconstructed by linguists that only exist because of faulty linguistic paradigms.

2) Middle English
Ten languages not reconstructed by linguists that only exist because of faulty linguistic paradigms.

3) Anglo Saxon Churches
Ten Christian denominations that only exist because of faulty historical paradigms.

4) Orthodox chronology, ie Common Era
Ten perfectly comprehensible labels that have been replaced by incomprehensible labels because of political correctness.

5) Orthodox placenaming.
Ten academic specialties that shouldn't be academic specialties.

Keep 'em coming.