CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

We shall know soon enough

[Mick Harper]

Well I have certainly caused a minor furore in central Paris. About five different people were eventually jabbering away at me in Franglais telling me that the Louvre was not in the Rue du Louvre 75001 Paris. It's in the Rue de Rivoli, 75001 Paris. (I had accepted an Amazon suggested correction of the address.) When I asked my interlocuteurs just to deliver it to the Louvre they said, "Ze Louvre is a big place, monsieur" and when I said, "Donnez le paquet à l'homme à ... er... the front door", he'd know who the Director was, they said no, I would have to ask Mme des Cars to personally pick it up 'from the post office'. Me and La Directrice are not all that close and I didn't know how she was fixed timewise so I declined the suggestion.

After arguing a bit amongst themselves they were finally unanimous that it was all my fault for providing a wrong address and that the package would be 'returned to Amazon' whatever that means -- it's never happened to me before. For a book of mine to cause such excitement is greatly heartening.

[Grant]

You’re a Tour de France fan so you should have known. On the last day they cycle down the Rue de Rivoli five times and the commentators mention the Louvre five times

[Mick Harper]

Yes, but there's a sign "Deliveries round the back". Mr Know-All.

[Mick Harper]

I have now received two emails but there is no indication which refers to which book. (Or possibly the same book.) Nor can I translate them since French Amazon doesn't allow you to press a button.

[Mick Harper]

They've found the Louvre! And at a familiar address, Mr "Boulevardier" Grant

[Mick Harper]

This is all good news, entre nous. The big problem is getting the book onto the desk of the dude (in France, dudess) who you want to read it. The book slags off all these institutions something wicked but if it gets waylaid by some junior functionary they'll just bin it. Or do nothing. It will look nice on his shelves. How many of those other books do you think he's read? Somehow you've got to finesse these lower echelons because only the bloke at the top is in a position to (a) know what you're talking about (or hinting at) and (b) get even the mildest abdabs that you've fingered the institution he's responsible for. Anything that gets itself noticed -- for whatever reason -- is more likely to be shifted upwards because it's never wrong to cover your back.

Now I don't have any illusions about Top Cat binning it with equal rapidity but he can only do this by sending it back down the chain. But where? How? "Mrs Cholmondeley-Brown, could you take this to the incinerator in the basement?" I don't think so. The status you really want to achieve is a book they don't know what to do with. It'll DFN.

[Mick Harper]

You Be The Judge (Guardian Saturday Review)

[Mick Harper]

How to deliver a book to the biggest library in France

Thursday, December 29 The package has been shipped.
15:37 The package arrived at an Amazon center Kleinostheim, Bavaria DE
22:30 The package has left the Amazon center Kleinostheim, Bavaria DE

Friday, December 30
07:32 The package arrived at an Amazon center Lauwin-Planque, Hauts-de-France FR
15:23 The package has left the Amazon center Lauwin-Planque, Hauts-de-France FR

Saturday 31 December
00.17 The package has arrived at the final delivery agency Bonneuil, FR
08:29 In the course of delivery
08:57 First delivery attempt. A second attempt will be made the next business day
11:52 Delivery attempt
15:36 The package has arrived at the final delivery agency Bonneuil, FR

Monday January 2
08:25 In the course of delivery Bonneuil, FR

[Mick Harper]

Monday January 2

13:15 hrs The phone rings. Somebody gabbles to me in French. I say, "Parlez vous anglais?" He gabbles some more. Honestly, he ought to know he's a foreigner. Anyway after some exchanges in which the words Bibliotheque and nationale figure quite prominently, I hear him shrug. You really can, even over the phone. Then, I think he says I'll have to come and collect it myself. Presumably he thinks I am Mme Engel. I say (with some pride), "Je suis en Londres." There is a silence and the phone goes dead.

13:30 hrs The phone rings. I think it's the same man and the word 'colis' is said several times in a sort of stream-of-consciousness which, let's face it, is what the French language amounts to. It is my turn to shrug. He says, "Ah oui," and the phone goes dead. I will await the email and get Hatty to translate it. Why didn't I just give French Amazon her number in the first place? A rookie mistake. Un mistake rookie.

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

It's not as if it's all that important. The book only says that the Bibliothèque nationale is the unwitting dupe of one of the greatest literary scams in world history

[Mick Harper]

I have received a Delivered! email from Evri accompanied by a photo of my book clad in its Amazonian packaging amidst a pile of other similar packages at an undisclosed location at or near the National Library of Wales. Since the NLW is one of the statutory libraries that can claim a copy of any book published in the UK, we can assume all the other packages are books. The clue is in the name. What now?

My package is addressed to the Director by name and has a message urging him to read pages so and so to so and so where the NLW is slagged off with a viciousness that compels some kind of reaction. However (a) will it reach his desk? (b) will he read the pages? and (c) will the consequences be to my advantage? There is a reasonable probability the answers are Yes, Yes and No. If he is a wise man he will do absolutely nothing (why pour petrol etc). If he is a foolish man he will do nothing (it's a rant from an English nutter). But there is the slim possibility he is neither wise nor foolish enough.

[Mick Harper]

I always include the date when naming new Word dox to prevent confusion but the last few all have 030122, 050122 and so forth which may be confused with similarly dated dox from the start of last year. Except I made the same mistake then as well. It normally takes well into February for the situation to settle down. Why doesn't Microsoft have a pop up 'Do you mean this year?'?

PS I did have a momentary panic when I thought this year might be 2022 and actually had to check.

[Mick Harper]

One step forward, two steps back