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CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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I post on medium.com because it has a vast readership base (in considerable contrast to my other favoured electronic outlet). After a considerable time, my efforts have at last reached the even wider world of Google mentions, re an exchange about the 1812-14 Anglo-American War.

Not entirely pointless, surely. It was the first time that the United States army defeated a Great Power, one on one. A feat that was not replicated until... well, actually the United States has never… Mick Harper -https://medium.com/@mickxharper/not-entirely-pointless-surely-d18989b23fea - Rank 52 -
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Mick Harper
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As you know, the good people at Wikipedia like to keep my effusions from sullying their pristine accounts. Somebody has been asleep at the wheel because on the Hibernia page, there is this deathless paragraph

Ptolemy, in 100s, records some Irish tribal names identical to those of tribes in Gaul and Britain, suggesting significant Celtic settlement. Recent genetic and linguistic research suggests the interesting possibility that these tribes may have been descended from the first neolithic farmers to reach Ireland (alluded to in Ireland's allegoric history: The Book of the Taking of Ireland)[4][5][6]

This is not something I've ever dealt with and yet those [4][5][6] references turn out to be

[4] Colin Renfrew (1987) Archaeology and Language - The puzzle of Indo-European Origins
[5] Stephen Oppenheimer (2006) The Origins of the British
[6] M.Harper (2006) The History of Britain Revealed - The shocking truth about the English Language

How proud they must be to find themselves yoked encyclopaedically with yours truly.
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Ishmael


In: Toronto
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Wile E. Coyote wrote:
Carbon dating shows the bones are not Richard's, unless he heroically stuck to a fish diet.


Is this true??

I had not heard!!! I had steadfastly dismissed the possibility that these bones belonged to Richard III on account of his never existing.
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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Wiki wrote:
Two radiocarbon datings to find the age of the bones suggested dates of 1430–1460[note 2] and 1412–1449[note 3] – both too early for Richard's death in 1485.


It was redated to a later period as it is believed Richard (or whoever they dug up) ate lots of seafood which, when given an added touch of Bayesian statistics, then gave a 95.4% chance for 1450–1540. So when this dating was matched with other evidence they declared they were certain, or rather 99.99% sure.
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Mick Harper
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I have been asked to explain the differences between
a mid-morning snackeral
elevenses
early lunch

It's a question of preparation time. Hence the technical definition

mid-morning snackeral = less than a minute
elevenses = one to two minutes
early lunch = more than two minutes


N.B A mid-morning snackeral is not, I repeat not, helping yourself to something. That's 'snacking' and different. Nor does it mean 'a sandwich'. Let's stop kidding ourselves, sandwiches are a right palaver. No, it means something like this

1. Take tortilla out of fridge
2. Place in microwave for ten seconds
3. While that is happening, remove sliced Polish sausage and Tesco Salsa tub from fridge.
4. Put (3) on (1)
5. Fold into wrap
6. Eat.

You should aim for thirty seconds. No, that doesn't include eating time.
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Mick Harper
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Implementation of robotic rectal surgery training programme:
Mr. Sofoklis Panteleimonitis, Dr. Sotirios Popeskou, Dr. Mohamed Aradaib, Dr. Mick Harper, Mr. Jamil Ahmed, Mr. Mukhtar Ahmad, Prof Tahseen Qureshi and Dr. Nuno Figueiredo have no conflicts of interest or financial ties to disclose.

They got this wrong. I had to do something about me nobbies so I came up with this mechanical arm thingy. Oh, you're having your breakfast? I'll tell you about it later.
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Mick Harper
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I've broken my record for claps (65 and rising) on medium.com for this reply to a piece on care homes and parents

When trying to work out how long mom and pop are going to live vis à vis taking out insurance, go strictly by the actuarial numbers. You’re not the best judge. Also, once they’re in, assume not that you are the primary carer, you’re the only carer. The staff might be perfectly competent, even quite caring in their way, but they won’t give them a TV remote with big buttons. And that's a lot more important than being given a bath every day.

And one last thing, be racist when it comes to evaluating the staff. White Anglo-Saxon Protestants are the absolute pits when it comes to caring for the elderly. Ain't we?
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Mick Harper
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Some rum goings-on at Amazon dot UK. The little button that says

Report incorrect product information

has been de-activated. This is the one thing on any book page that requires Amazonian human intervention. Also, responsibility for British books from their KDP arm (including my own) has been 'temporarily' suspended (mine is printed in Poland). Why would any of this be significant?

Well, Amazon dot UK is a very big profit centre for Amazon but the accursed British have stepped out of line when it comes to taxing multinationals' profits [thanks to a 'Rishi Sunak']. In the good old EU days this didn't matter much because Amazon claimed all its significant activity was done in either Ireland or Luxembourg -- guess why? Now it looks like they are going to have to do it for real.
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Mick Harper
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Amazon's self-publishing arm has refused my book.

While reviewing the book(s) listed below, we found content inside that is freely available on the web:
Revisionist Historiography by M J Harper (AUTHOR)
We don't allow books that have content available on the web for free unless you are the copyright owner. For example, content from Wikipedia that allows you and others to redistribute it are not allowed since it disappoints our customers to pay for content that can be found online for free.

Very true unless you happen to be writing a book about the uses and abuses of Wikipedia. It's back to the drawing board! Unless I resubmit it as

Revisionist Historiography by M J Wikipedia (AUTHOR)
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Mick Harper
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Some years ago the call went out to any dads who were in pop bands to play in a do the local primary school was having to raise money. I was surprised to discover that there were four such just in the street the school was in. But that's London for you. We rock! But not as much as Corby

The 10 Best 60s Bands in Corby for Hire Instant Prices & Availability
Hire 60s Band in Corby, Northamptonshire for your private party, wedding reception or corporate event.
Book with Poptop to receive dedicated concierge service and money back guarantee.

https://www.poptop.uk.com/corby/suppliers/tribute-band/60s-band/
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Mick Harper
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I am constantly being referred to websites with material that I should like to read but can't. The reason being that, following some tomfool ruling by some tomfool supervisory body, websites force you to go through an impossible 'Consent' maze before you can read anything. In the old days, if asked, I could press a 'no' button and all was well. Or I wasn't asked and my web-provider (or somebody else in the background) protected me from spam. Now I have to guess and whenever I guess wrong I get overrun by stuff that evades all defences because I 'consented' to receiving it. Here's an example that happened this morning

More Options/I accept

So I press the More Options button

We value your privacy. We and our partners store or access information on devices, such as cookies and process personal data, such as unique identifiers and standard information sent by a device for the purposes described below. You may click to consent to our and our partners’ processing for such purposes.

OK, fair enough, I certainly won't be, now how do I say so?

Alternatively, you may click to refuse to consent, or access more detailed information and change your preferences before consenting. Your preferences will apply to this website only.

No, it won't. Your 'partners' will be dishing my stuff about willy-nilly, as well you know. Since you make more money the more it is dished, I can't take your word for anything no matter how respectable you are.

REJECT ALL/ACCEPT ALL

Well, all the buttons are pre-selected as Off so am I rejecting the Off or am I accepting they are Off? I certainly want to avoid all these

Store and/or access information on a device OFF
Select basic ads OFF
Create a personalised ads profile OFF
Select personalised ads OFF
Create a personalised content profile OFF
Select personalised content OFF
Measure ad performance OFF
Measure content performance OFF
Apply market research to generate audience insights OFF
Develop and improve products OFF
Use precise geolocation data OFF
Actively scan device characteristics for identification OFF

But at the end is
PARTNERS LEGITIMATE INTEREST

which can be neither turned off or on and appears to be a catch-all. Who knows what to do but all I know is that after years of not being bothered by Spam I now get about fifty a day, which I have to go through because some people who email me are treated as Spam for no obvious reason and can only be accessed via the Spam folder. And all because supervisory bodies never take account of the fact that whatever they come up with, the internet will find a workaround and you, you sniveling supervisory worms, will have gone off to fix some other tomfool problem.

Anyone got any advice?
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Mick Harper
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Although I spend all day everyday expounding to the world, I have only addressed a live audience on maybe half a dozen occasions. The first of which set the mould. Every morning at my primary school a member of the Top Class was summoned to see Miss'oltam (all one word), a particularly fearsome headmistress, as was mandated at that time. Once allowed into her eyrie, you had to read a passage from the Bible she had marked. If you did this satisfactorily, you had to do it for real at assembly in front of several hundred South London schoolchildren. And they talk about the Glasgow Alhambra.

Immense merriment was caused by these terror-stricken performances as little Anglo-Saxons struggled with Nebuchadnezzars smiting Gideonites. The sport rose to its cruellest height for one month of the year, when Top Class were away preparing for their Eleven-Pluses and the fell finger fell on the even tenderer cherubs of the Third Year. And of course, eventually on me…
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Mick Harper
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Even aged 9-10 I was one the world’s great readers so I was rather looking forward to it. Miss’oltham interrupted my read-though a couple of times but we both knew it was pro forma. I was terrific. When I had finished, she grunted. Her highest accolade. Thus, half an hour later I was climbing the stairs to the empty stage and once I was standing four-square, solemn-faced, Bible in hand, ready to address the multitudes, Miss’oltham standing below me but not turning round, commanded me to begin.

And I did. Beautifully. But not a third of the way through… “Stop!” I stopped. “Pass it to me.” I passed the Bible down to her and turned crestfallen to walk off the stage. “Remain where you are.” I remained where I was. She continued reading the passage to the end. Not particularly well in my opinion. But I had several minutes to gaze wide-eyed (that, I admit) at my peers while they gazed back at me. I feared the worst.

But no, they were aghast. Nothing like this had ever happened before. What did it mean? What did it portend? We shall never know because, from that day to this, nobody ever referred to it again.
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Mick Harper
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The only similar event in my undistinguished but competent educational career was my O-level Oral exam. In those far off days you got two grades in French

A, B, C, D or E for a pass in the written exam (F, G and H for a fail)
A, B or C for a pass in the Oral (with D as a fail)

On the day of the Oral, we were all sitting with our French master (with whom I had a somewhat difficult relationship) and one by one we went off for a five minute chinwag in French with some friendly-but-formal dude in the next room. Each of us came back with varying reports, "Gordon Bennet, never again", "I think I did all right" etc etc. As it happened I was the second best in the class at spoken French, behind only René Cochelin (the clue is in the name) so when it was my turn I pranced off in good spirits.

And had an excellently fluent five minutes with le dude, returning with a breezy, "It was a breeze." Whereupon the master said, "Don't be so sure, Harpiste" (he had given us all French class names, so you can tell what measure of man he was). I thought this a very odd remark in the circumstances but thought nothing more of it until, some weeks later, the French master sent us each a handwritten postcard with our O-level French results. Mine read C, D.
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Mick Harper
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When you're between books, time hangs rather heavy on your hands. (Oh, you guessed from my endless outpourings about nothing very much?) So I was mildly miffed to wake up particularly early this Sunday morn. My mood was not lightened when I discovered the clocks had gone back and it was even earlier than I had supposed.
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