CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Putin has come out against J K Rowling because of her views on gender issues. A casus belli? Yes, of course it is, but are we with him or against him?

[Mick Harper]

After three weeks of trying, after five times trying to deliver my package to the wrong address, after four times being told the correct one, even Parcelforce was getting tired of the game. So it sent a letter to my correct address using Royal Mail.

I inspected it carefully to see what tricks it was up to this time. The envelope was marked ‘If undelivered please return to [blank space]’ which told me it was a standard ploy for cases like this. The letter itself told me what I should do next if I really really wanted my package. I could
(a) collect my parcel at a post office [name not supplied] or
(b) collect my parcel at ‘our depot’ [name not supplied]

It did include a helpline number to find out but they must think I’m an amateur if I was going to fall for that one. It was the number I’d been ringing for three weeks. But I may just have been too cunning for them...

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

During one of my many wanderings through the labyrinthine procedures of Parcelforce [do not, by the way, get lost in the labyrinthine procedures of Royal Mail because, after an hour or so, you will be told, “Parcelforce? No, sorry, they are a separate organisation"] I had yesterday stumbled on something you all might need to know one day.

If they read back the wrong address after you have annunciated ‘clearly in your normal speaking voice’ the right one, then they do it again, and get it right, try as an experiment saying 'wrong', because then you are put straight through to a human being who promises ‘to personally sort it out’ and my package duly arrived this morning.

One can only hope the goat's cheese has not passed its use-by date. They do say it's better if it has so perhaps they have an arrangement with Parcelforce. I cannot imagine any other reason for using them.

[Mick Harper]

This time I'm serious

[Mick Harper]

This Time He Was Serious

[Mick Harper]

Household Appliance News

I've had this super-duper fridge for as long as I can remember. Now the thermostat has gone. No complaints, it was second-hand when I got it from a We Specialise In Clearances shop in the Portobello Road (which tells you how old it is, they couldn't afford the rents nowadays). Giving it (the thermostat) a light tap with my fist, the light came on! I'd wondered ever since I bought it why mine was the only fridge in contemporary Britain that didn't illuminate when you opened the door. But no thermostat.

Should I care? True, with the motor always on, everything is a bit on the cold side and my electricity bill is going ever upwards. Though, in that regard, Scottish Power have just told me I would save £145 a year if I went onto direct debit, which I did with several keystrokes, so I'm not bothered about that. Putin, do your worst.

I'm keeping the fridge. But that was yesterday. Today my telly on/off switch has ceased to work and, it being in the off position, this is far from ideal. It means a call to Argos. Anyone got any recommendations? I find good sound is more important than five billion pixels of picture quality. Three billion is ample for my needs.

If they've got a special offer on, 'buy a fridge, get a telly free' (or vice versa) I might go for that but otherwise, and if I don't hear from any of you, it will be my normal strategy of buying the second cheapest telly they've got.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Game Changer

Fray Bentos, Vegetable Balti. £1.50

Those folks at Fray Bentos have obviously reading Mick's culinary posts as they have hit on something new. It takes the older traditional Balti concept, ie a curry, served in a thin steel pressed Balti bowl, but slyly reinvents this. Your Balti bowl becomes your traditional Fray Bentos tin can, and the "puri" becomes their trademark puff pastry. It's absolutely genius, they have simply taken out the meat of their normal dishes, put in some vegetables with a few spices, and created a cheap British Asian fusion balti classic. It does suffer from the fact that you can't open the tin without a £30.00 tin opener and it takes 25 minutes at Gas 8, but it was a ****** taste.

[Mick Harper]

A cheap Argentinian Asian fusion balti classic. But I'm going to give it a whirl. I have two of their steak-and-kidneys for emergencies but that emergency stubbornly refuses to arise. However it does mean I already have my £30 tin opener.

[Mick Harper]

Dunnit! The only problem was working out what my current TV size was. It turns out, after detailed research, it's measured corner to corner. And it's 32". Five minutes later I had ordered a Toshiba for £189 (plus four quid to have it delivered this afternoon). It's BGOR46#99-ready which is a relief.

My only worry is they keep saying 'second television ideal for the kitchen' and 'suitable for children's homework'. Who are these people? It seems huge to me. I've been made to feel small. Unless I've cocked up the size. But all that means is Argos will just have to replace it tomorrow. What a consumer paradise we live in. If only Argos made the telly programmes all would be right with the world.

Apart from getting it down the stairs with my back and plugging it all in with my brain.

[Mick Harper]

PS I just idly tried the current one's on/off switch. Working perfectly. Oh no, sonny boy, I'm not falling for that one. It's off to Mozambique with you.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Grant]

We were the first family in our street to have a colour telly. It was a 24 inch and it was the most amazing TV I’ve ever seen.

[Mick Harper]

Don't tell me. They all crowded in to watch the Coronation.

We were the only people on our (admittedly small) council estate to have a telephone. It got to the state that people could knock on the door to ask if they could borrow the phone to be told (every bleedin' time) by my mum, "Only if you bring it back." But we drew the line at them being rung up (by their boyfriends) and us having to go and fetch them. Cheeky mares.

[Wile E. Coyote]

A very happy ending

Mrs Coyote and I have recently purchased for £45.00, a 70's retro style Ghetto Blaster from Amazon. Arguably a bit pricey, but it was to play our collection of audio cassette tapes and these were stuffed away doing nothing in the garage.

Anyway, fast forwarding the narrative, with the arrival of the spring sun, I unscrewed a Tesco pink, and we headed off to the garden, and all was magical, until sadly after just a few minutes, our student neighbours come round to complain. I asked them if the music too loud, but they said no "It was just really shit music". To be truthful I felt this was a bit undiplomatic on their part, but still sought to compromise, so I offered to stop playing Herb Alpert and play something else.

A few minutes later they were round again, to say that Herb was OK if only we would stop playing Chris Barbers Jazz band.