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CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Borrie's balance of power between cars and boats has been reversed

In scenes reminiscent of the Great Freeze of 1963, part of the River Thames in south-west London froze over as temperatures in Britain plummeted to well below zero. The bitter chill from the Baltic saw the river at Teddington Lock partially freeze over. Water flows more slowly on this non-tidal section of the Thames so the river is more susceptible to icing over.

A tiny point to Guardian sub-editors. It is not being tidal or non-tidal that is at issue, it is whether the river has been sub-divided into natural bit and lock-bit.
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Mick Harper
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You have to feel sorry for Marina Hyde. With Trump gone and Boris unaccountably popular, she's really had to scour the world for a new hate figure. Anyway she's found one. Bloke called Mark Zuckerberg. Although 2.7 billion people benefit from his services , she says, that leaves six billion out in the cold. Too poor or too black probably. Bastard.

But that wasn't why Marina was flaying him. I couldn't follow the ins and outs but it it seems he was getting this service over the internet for free but now they want him to pay for it so he's decided to stop using it. Imagine if that caught on! Hatty having to pay to get banned on Facebook, you lot having to pay ten pounds a year for the AEL. Doesn't bear thinking about.
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Mick Harper
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Owing to what used to be called 'a cock-up on the catering front' I am forced to eat two Ginster Cornish pasties back to back. Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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The good folk of Callington salute you.

In passing, we should mention that Ginsters is proud of its "sustainability" and recycling credentials. I hope you took good care of the wrappers?

We're playing our part too at Château Boreades, to reduce fossil fuel usage and Carbon Emissions (like burnt toast). If we are given any Ginsters pasties, we cut out the middle man, and put them straight in the compost bin.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Here's a branch of pornography I'm not familiar with (and I've been out east)

White wife caught riding three African priests
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Mick Harper
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Spelling Questions from this week’s Zoom Quiz

In which town is the National Library of Wales situated?
Does spelling count?
Which vitamin do we get from sunshine?
Does spelling count?
Do we get half a mark for D H Lawrence?
How many did you get, Hatty?
My screen's frozen, see you all next week.

PS Wylie, we had "Which mountain range lies between the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea?" Spooky or what?
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Mick Harper
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Perils of Modern Capitalism (cont)

A real oven is useless for low-life vegetables so I supplement mine with a) a microwave and b) a desk-top mini. My (b) gave up the ghost a couple of years ago and was replaced by (a trick you might adopt) the second cheapest in the Argos catalogue. Yesterday I got completely fed up with it for various reasons so went back to the catalogue.

There are now (and I assume available widely, not just London) 'convection ovens' which heat up quicker, cook food better and save the planet sooner. It's obviously no choice at all unless, as is so often the case, new technology ends up costing you an arm and a leg.

Pleasant surprise! Cheapest: Russel Hobbs £79.99. Next cheapest: Panasonic £229. Come on, chaps, they look identical, what's the story? Russel Hobbs must be better than Panasonic, who don't even specialise in hobbs, so I’m going to break my own rule of a lifetime, and go for the cheapest. Arrives today or tomorrow, they seem a bit shifty about it, and I bet they refuse to carry it down my stairs. Bastards.
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Mick Harper
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Reasons for Not Living in Australia (no 345,887 and climbing)

In posts online, they detail waking up to mouse droppings on their pillows or watching the ground move at night as hundreds of thousands of rodents flee from torchlight beams. Lisa Gore from Toowoomba told Guardian Australia her friend stripped the fabric of her armchair when it began to smell, only to find a nest of baby mice in the stuffing.

In Gulargambone, north of Dubbo, Naav Singh arrives five hours early for work at the 5Star supermarket to clean up after the uninvited vermin visitors. "We don’t want to go inside in the morning sometimes. It stinks, they will die and it’s impossible to find all the bodies. Some nights we are catching over 400 or 500,” he says. Before opening, Singh must empty the store’s 17 traps, sweep up the droppings and throw out any products the mice have attacked.
“We have got five or six bins every week just filled with groceries that we are throwing out,” he says.

"They stink whether they are alive or dead," says Pip Goldsmith. "You can’t escape the smell sometimes … it’s oppressive, but we are resilient. I’ve got a four- and a five-year-old, we have great fun engineering our traps with buckets and wine bottles. They’ve got very quick at catching and disposing of mice. It makes you proud and squeamish at the same time.”

Lucy Moss, the owner of the Mink and Me cafe in Coonamble, says she has had to pay to have her fridge fixed seven times after the corpses of dead mice clogged up the machinery. “The mice get into the fan at the bottom and have a great old time and then the fan turns on and they can’t get out,” she says. Mice have ruined a shed full of hay on Moss’s farm that she was saving in case of another drought. “They move into the hay and are urinating and everything. It’s a health hazard to feed to the cows and sheep then, so we destroyed it,” she says.

Hay can cost farmers $500 a bale to buy in a drought, and the Coonamble mayor, Al Karanouh, says, “Some farmers have lost as much as 2,500 bales … There isn’t enough money for the council to do anything to help. All we can do is try to keep them from coming into our offices, our machinery, our tractors, our trucks. They eat all the wiring,” he says. "But you know Australians, they'll eat anything," he didn't add.
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Mick Harper
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Let's talk Western Union. We've all heard of it, we've all never used it. An importunate creditor of mine lives on an ice flow in the Beaufort Sea and only Western Union will do. (A Russian ice-breaker stops by every six months or something.) Anyway, first problem, tracking one down. It's strictly for immigrant groups sending money home not necessarily through legal channels so I was not surprised my nearest was W9 Wines & Cigs and was exactly as it sounds.

My first few visits were unavailing -- "He's not here". Finally today, success. They wanted my phone number. I didn't like to say, "Don't ring it, there'll be nobody there" but anyway it got me to step two. Driving licence. "This is out of date." "I'm not surprised at my age." I only had the recipient's initial for his middle name. That provoked some raised eyebrows, I can tell you. I was a money launderer and no mistake. "We need the province, sorry." "Where it says ON that means Ontario." Anyway there was a lot more of this and we were through the twenty-five minute barrier when he said, with an air of finality, "That'll be £536.27." With my own air of finality I handed over my credit card. "We only take cash." I left, screaming quietly.
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Ishmael


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How ridiculous.
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Mick Harper
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The world has been tuning itself upside down trying to identity the Q who is the mastermind behind QAnon. Last night on network telly he was finally revealed: he's the administrator of the QAnon website. Aagh, if only we'd have thought of that, but he was just too clever for us. We shall not see his like again.
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Mick Harper
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It used to my ambition to be the funniest man on the planet but I've downgraded this to being the funniest Michael Harper on the planet.

...-especially Michael Buchmiller (graphics genius), Jason Solinger (brilliant Captain), Linda Gerard, Michael Harper (the funniest man on the planet since Bill Hicks), Jonathan Speight, Rebecca Krzyzaniak (letterpres...
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Mick Harper
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Dear Borrie, I know you're a director of the Kennet and Avon and a scientist so you may wish to alert the board about this
https://medium.com/predict/floating-on-electrons-hyper-barge-9ae8b9ee5457

All part of the AEL service, there's no charge. Geddit? Honestly, that other bloke's got no chance.
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Mick Harper
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Here's something I haven't come across before (I lead a sheltered life)
https://www.keyword-suggest-tool.com/search/james+and+john+sons+of+thunder/

We get a mention halfway down the page. A useful thing though I don't know how one exploits it.
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Mick Harper
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Hands up if you belong to a thicko family.

"Questions 16-20 are about war. Mick will be happy."
Question 16: Which is the best known German tank?
Strewth, I thought. It's not what is the best known, it's what the quizmaster thinks is the best known. So I put down 'Tiger' knowing what a military thicko he was.
Correct answer: Panzer

I went mental and demanded we took a vote. Every single one of them had put down 'Panzer'. No wonder I came sixth out of nine. I am proud to come sixth out of nine. Is there any other family out there who will take me in? I've got a little money of my own.
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