CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Hands up anyone who keeps thinking he's got a cat only to discover that it is in fact himself (or herself) wheezing?

[Wile E. Coyote]

Getting rid of Uncle Ben will cost Mars, not because folks disagree with their decision, it's simply because Uncle Ben is as likeable and trusted as Mr Kipling.

[Mick Harper]

A nifty new form of vexation. My famous Curry’s washing machine wasn’t installed properly and floods my kitchen so I sent them an email, as advised in these Covid times. This produced no response for two weeks so I reluctantly decided to go the person-to-person route. I got in some sandwiches and a comfy chair. The first episode was relatively painless as I went through the gamut of questions to get me through to the right department. Maybe ten minutes all told. Pretty good since they said it would be ‘more than five minutes’.

Only to be told that technically it wasn’t the right department as although, yes, I needed a repair and I had bought it in in the last year, this counted as an installation repair which was a different department and which had not been included in any option. A new number and a new wait time of ‘more than fifteen minutes'. Plenty of time to write this.

We are five minutes in, the music has stopped, the messages about how much they welcome my call have stopped, and now it is just ringing endlessly like an ordinary call to someone who isn't there. I do not know whether this is a good sign or a bad sign. I do not know what it means at all, it has never happened to me before. It must be a new method to get people to go away but should I let it ring for fifteen minutes anyway? Or is that what they want me to do?

[Mick Harper]

[Mick Harper]

Exactly fifteen minutes in they pulled the plug and the line went dead. There seems no way in. What to do now? I might wait until Covid is over and we can go back to normal service, the one that's always featuring on Watchdog. Dare I go the 'vulnerable customer' route which the website promises will give me access to 'special attention'. "Got another oldie on the line, Alf." "Put him on hold and hope he dies, Ted."

[Mick Harper]

Bad news then good news. I resolved to persevere now I knew what department I was after, so I tried again. This time the algorithm must have taken pity on me, didn't cut me off, didn't give me the endless ringing treatment, and after half an hour I got through to a lady who cheerfully told me there's no such thing as an installment repair and told me to go back to repairs.

So I did but this time, to avoid the feedback loop, I lied throughout. They're sending someone out on Thursday.

[Mick Harper]

Barclays Bank has written offering me home insurance. They tell me in giant letters that 90% of their customers recommend it. If I ran a company and I knew that ten per cent of my customers wouldn't recommend me I'd keep quiet about it.

Except, now I come to think about all the insurance horror stories that I, my friends and my relatives have experienced over the last few years, that's actually pretty good. 'Sfunny how things that used to be bywords for dependability become nests of crooks. The banks, there's another example.

[Mick Harper]

If you push the keyboard forward a bit you've got somewhere to rest the heels of your hands when typing. Also your elbows when thinking. But that won't apply to any of you.

[Chad]

Now if you fill the space you’ve just created (by pushing the keyboard forward) with one of those gel keyboard wrist rests, you will find it a godsend, not only for wrists and elbows, but also foreheads.

[Mick Harper]

Since it has taken me several decades to discover my present nirvana I think I'll rest on my laurels for a bit. But on a technical note, if you have a gel wrist rest I don't see where you put your elbows. These need a hard surface for really keen thought. I don't see where the forehead fits into the picture, but on a point of information I keep mine permanently in what is generally known as a 'Lenin thrust'. But I've always been a traditionalist and I make no apology for it.

[Chad]

[Chad]

[Mick Harper]

There was no queue outside Sainsbury so I thought I'd nick in to see if the microwaveable All Day Breakfast Sausage Muffins were still going for a pound. They were. I bought a few bits and bobs as well, I don't want people thinking I live on them. Forty-nine seventy-five by the time I got to the till! I wish they'd lock me down a bit better.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Folks have discovered that chess is racist as white moves first, or depending on your view that chess is not racist and the whole thing was blown up because of Black Lives Matter.

In actual fact there is a bit of a cover up going on (Fake news!) as the most famous chess game ever, the so called The Immortal Game played by Adolf Anderssen and Lionel Kieseritzky, was actually won by black. Anderssen gave up both rooks and a bishop, then his queen, checkmating his opponent with just his three remaining minor pieces.

You can watch the game here, just remember for the sake of historical accuracy that Anderssen had the black pieces.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaKWUiiEHgA

[Mick Harper]

Have you ever considered that the Immortal Game is a forgery? We've all played it out, we've all wondered how such an extraordinary game could ever get played between two masters, even nineteenth century masters. We've all heard of Anderssen, none of us has heard of Kieseritzky and none of us has played out anything like it before or since. Not that a chess nut like you, Wiley, is the best person to ask. Still it served its purpose in spreading the fame of international competition chess. Come in, Paul Morphy.