AE on Telly News (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

And so to Traitors (Channel 4's big 9 pm Sunday offering). I was wondering how they would get a black actor into Britain c 1945 and they did well by having a black American army driver stay over, albeit for no discernible reason. That's fine. This isn't:
"What's it like being a negro in the US Army?"
"Not great."
"So you won't mind helping me dispose of a body."
"Right you are. Who is it by the way?"
"The bloke you were driving around quite amicably in Episode One."
"Right you are."
"Plus there's some cash in it for you."
"Right you are."

The female lead is also a problem. We accept, as a matter of course, all female leads are multiskilled with nerves of steel but the degree of tradecraft she demonstrates effortlessly is Le Carré Plus Plus. She couldn't have been trained because she's operating under a false flag scenario (we assume, we haven't officially been told yet) and even she would have noticed being flown to Soviet Spy School. Unless she's a triple agent and we haven't been told that yet. I will persist for another episode, Channel 4, but consider this a final warning.

PS There's been a change of plan re Morse's moustache. I won't spoil it for you by revealing the dénouement.

[Wile E. Coyote]

I dont think that asking Keeley Hawes to dye her hair with henna, and calling her Priscilla Garrick, makes her into a believable civil servant.

[Mick Harper]

That is not the correct question. Are we to see her as a) the kind of strumpet that would sell out her country because she had brief fumble with a Yank or is she b) an English rose who will sell herself in order to save her country? Answer: neither. As you have so perceptively spotted, she is the sort of ersatz figure who might do a) but can eventually be relied on to do b). Or she's got a good agent.

[Mick Harper]

On a historical note. The Labour Government had a majority of 185. It is true there was a small number of Stalinist fellow-travellers, grouped around Konni Zilliacus, on the far left reaches of the PLP but I hardly think they could jeopardise the American loan. Especially as the Conservatives supported it too. However the Commie ratbags had it right -- the loan was usurious and only got paid off in 2017.

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right,
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you.

The Liberals had six MP's. All ratbags. What's a girl to do?

[Mick Harper]

One's vast technical knowledge often spoils one's enjoyment. For instance, in Grey Zone (Walter Presents to Channel 4) why is Scandinavia on red alert about a single warhead that fits into a car boot? Would they have the screaming abdabs about two dustbins full of fertiliser which would have the same effect?

The hostage situation is equally implausible. OK, loving mum is forced to co-operate because lickle boy is being threatened. Apart from whether real mums would really allow tens/ hundreds/ thousands of their fellow countrypersons to die rather than their son, there is surely another factor running through her fevered mind. They're hardly likely to let her go since she can identify them all, on the other hand they're hardly likely to kill the son gratuitously if the plan doesn't come off. Why would they? As a warning to future Scandi-mums?

Stick to sicko serial murderers, Scandis, it's what you do best. You sicko neutrals.

[Mick Harper]

I heard for the nth millionth time tonight (Hitler's Propaganda Machine, BBC Yesterday Channel) that Hitler was an advocate of the Big Lie. I am not aware of any lie he told, big or small, in his propaganda. But let me know if I am wrong about this.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

One of the more disgusting programmes this week was Sacred Ireland (Channel 5) in which an impressive array of Irish archaeologists and historians regaled us for a whole hour with "academic chat". For those of you unversed this is when experts expatiate about things for which there is absolutely no evidence but which sounds fair enough and fits in with people's expectations. Though you are constantly assured that you don't -- it's not at all what you thought before. Which is true, we were all brought up on the previous version. Academic chat is always written or spoken with relentless certainty in case anybody guesses.

The Big Theme of this programme was that Ireland's most famous god (apart from God) Lugh was in fact a comet. Now comets are big favourites with academics because they do appear from time to time in annals (irrespective of whether you accept the validity of the annals). So apparently these entirely benign and always rare objects threw everyone into such a pre-historic paddy (not later, the Irish are easily bored and switched over to worrying about the English) they had to build thousands of megaliths to keep them at bay. Something like that, I couldn't always follow the logic.

No trouble with the accents though, these people are well used to the demands of the international circuit.

[Mick Harper]

Breaking news from Sacred Ireland. Christianity got established around 540 because of a giant dust cloud. Cut to tree ring boffin: "Can you see those narrow tree growths for 536, 541 and 542?" Yes, we can, you bearded git, and it means the dust cloud disappeared for five years. Or alternatively Ireland had a coupla bad summers. It happens. Don't book your holiday yet.

[Mick Harper]

Late, late breaking news. Cut to Greenland ice core boffin. "There was a lot of dust particles in the atmosphere from 533 to 539 [pause] or 540." So no correlation there.

[Mick Harper]

A crackling Endeavour to finish off the series. Let's see how my predictions worked out

[Grant]

I realise it's a trope (is that the right word?) but I always find it amusing that whenever anyone is murderered, burnt, body found etc Morse is always the first on the scene. Yes this is how these detective dramas tend to work but they should mix it up a bit. He was even there last night when the building fell down

[Mick Harper]

What about Junior Endeavour? This is set in a primary school in Cowley where Morse’s accent gets him bullied unmercifully. That is until he cracks his first case (something to do with counterfeit Cadburys at the tuck shop?) but that all writes itself. It's the back story we're interested in: Morse’s parents are desperate to get him out of St Sink’s and into the Dragon School, and will do anything to get him there.

Mr. and Mrs. Morse are archivists, at the Bodleian and the Ashmolean respectively (they met at the last Archivists’ Ball before war broke out) and are involved in a scheme doctoring historical records for some unspecified international brotherhood of something or other. This requires them bringing work home and Morse Junior takes to reading them avidly late at night. He soon realises what they are up to.

In the last crackling episode Morse denounces his parents to the authorities but it turns out that the entire academic community of Great Britain and Northern Ireland have been relying on the doctored documents for so long there is no going back. Morse is packed off to the Dragon (where in the next series he is bullied unmercifully for being an oik until he solves etc etc). Something pretty horrible happens to the parents along the way but that'll be down to Contracts.

Too incendiary? You're absolutely right. That's why it's going to be a cartoon for CBeebies.

[Grant]

Free Idea for Mick

Someone once said there are only two different types of fictional detective. The first solves cases by being cleverer than everyone else - Holmes, Poirot, Morse. The second solves them by having more street smarts - Spade, Rockford, Marlowe.
What about a detective who solves crimes by the application of AE?
I can see the denouement now: " So you have a perfect alibi for something that happened ten years ago with accompanying documents. How very convenient...."

[Mick Harper]

There'll be something for you if it gets commissioned. Unless we kill you.