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AE on Telly News (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Grant



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Not sure your "perfect murder" would work. People who die following carbon monoxide poisoning look very flushed. Any pathologist would recognise it immediately. Nitrogen poisoning would be a much better idea
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Mick Harper
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You entirely miss the point since any examination in delicto would immediately reveal too much of the fixed apparat fatale. The body either disappears or turns up, flushed with monoxide poisoning, in circumstances that suggest suicide or misadventure. It's fool-proof, I tell you, I'd stake my life on it. This is of course set in the days of capital punishment. But tell me about nitrogen poisoning anyway.
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Mick Harper
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Top of the Pops Kylie Special (BBC-2)

Just because we all grovel before the totemic majesty that is Kylie Minogue should not obscure the fact that she only actually made a couple of decent records.
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Grant



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Michael Portillo did a TV show a few years ago searching for the best method of execution. You can still see it on YouTube. Basically if the level of nitrogen in the air exceeds about 90% you feel slightly euphoric and then pass out. You never feel out of breath because breathlessness is caused by excess CO2. Every year it's responsible for lots of industrial fatal accidents. Some American states are thinking of using it as a method of execution.

Now, as for perfect murders, if you had a tank of Nitrogen it would be comparatively easy to use it on someone if you had an airtight room. And as it's already 72% of the air who's going to check for it in the lungs? It's probably already been responsible for many "perfect" murders
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Grant



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If you use this method to carry out a murder please tell the police you got it from Michael
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Mick Harper
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I'm getting out of the business. Too many people know. I wouldn't put too much faith in Portillo if I were you. The last time I encountered him he was on some MoD island in the Thames Estuary inspecting a building constructed on stilts. "It's for security," he said, being the ex-head of the MoD, "nobody can come or go without being spotted." "No, Michael," I said, being the current head of the AEL, "it's a listening station and it cuts out terrestrial vibration." "Do you know what nitrogen does to you?" he said.
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Mick Harper
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The Sony Christmas Movies Channel is back, thus ruining my theory that this normally winter-only offering only appeared in high summer because of a Covid-related glitch. I am excluding the possibility that the end-of-September is now when the Christmas season starts. I could not bear that. It would seem that Sony has spotted a gap in the market: people who like watching Christmas movies other than at Christmas. That is entirely reasonable in itself but, I think you will agree, a new feature of the passing parade.

I first noticed the general phenomenon when hot cross buns became available the year round, and that passed off safely enough, but even so I believe it to be a policy fraught with anarchic imponderables. It was Sony who introduced the VCR, which started all this, and then lost out to Panasonic in the Betamax Wars so one is surprised at their brazen insouciance. One to watch.
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Mick Harper
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The proposed launch of a new news channel, NewsGB, modelled on Fox News, is to be welcomed on two grounds: (1) diversity is always good and (2) the ninety-nine per cent of the British people who are to the right of BBC and Sky News (and Al-Jazeera for that matter) are entitled to have their needs catered for.

Nonetheless, I do not predict success. For a start they will have difficulty recruiting suitable journos. Plenty will take the shilling but few will have their heart in it. It will be even harder finding the 'columnists', the people people tune in for. In America everybody is a natural TV performer, even footballers. Over here nobody is, even newspaper columnists. Such a reticent race, the British.

But mainly, it's the money. The Discovery Channel is said to be backing it but establishing yourself in this market needs bigger and more committed pockets than that. It would require someone like the Murdochs and they won't go head to head with their own creation, Sky News. Such an impoverished race, the British.
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Mick Harper
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Fish Town (BBC2)

I am minorly addicted to programmes about fisherfolk and this series on Peterhead made by BBC Scotland has crept into the national schedules thanks to Covid-era programme paucity. It isn't very good, by national standards, but entirely watchable by Harperian standards. Except for the wretched fisherfolk. Scottish people, other than educated Edinburgh Scottish people, are inherently difficult to follow but these people are just out of the question bad. Not only the Peterhead accent but the fact that men-at-work always put on the raw prawn when being observed at work by outsiders. It is quite clear that sub-titles should have been employed but presumably the BBC hierarchy were worried that this would have been taken as offensive.

Oh, and one indication of how bad the original programme-makers were, was last night's episode when we were told that one of our sea-battling heroes, a particularly beguiling and incomprehensible cheeky-chappie, was being given an award for inventing a new kind of fishing net. This was electrifying news since we landlubbers had thought nothing had changed in net-technology since Harold Net invented them in the fifth century but, no, we weren't shown the net, just the bog standard Fishing News Awards ceremony at Aberdeen.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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Peterhead

The most Anglophobic shit hole that I've ever had the misfortune to spend a cold wet night in... So hostile I was in bed before ten.

(I only survived that long by putting on a drunken Glaswegian grunt and keeping my head down.)
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Mick Harper
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Suddenly I warm to the place.
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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There were a number of Russian fishermen in the bar and they got a better reception than I did. (Even with my rather good Glaswegian accent.)

I couldn't help wondering how border controls work in places like that... I didn't bother making enquiries, I just nursed a pint of 'heavy' at the end of the bar.
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Mick Harper
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Some Russian 'trawlers' featured in yesterday's programme. "They'd better not get caught up in our nets," was the (Scottish) trawlermen's stoical response. Your testimony suggests they were actually trawlers. Which reminds me, will an independent Scotland apply to join NATO or will they join some other grouping? Perhaps we should whisper just one word into Nicola Sturgeon's ear. "Fotheringhay Castle."
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Mick Harper wrote:
Top of the Pops Kylie Special (BBC-2)

Just because we all grovel before the totemic majesty that is Kylie Minogue should not obscure the fact that she only actually made a couple of decent records.


#1 Daughter (who's in the Music Business) tells me that Kylie Minogue's best-ever single was "Where The Wild Roses Grow". But it was not the kind of material that's suitable for TOTP. Apparently it's one she did with Nick Cave.

Who? (I said)

#1 Daughter completed my education by explaining he's the Australian equivalent of Leonard Cohen, producing music for people with chronic depression, dark moods and/or suicidal tendencies.

I recommend it to my honourable AEL colleagues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDpnjE1LUvE
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Chad wrote:
There were a number of Russian fishermen in the bar and they got a better reception than I did. (Even with my rather good Glaswegian accent.)


Was it a remake of "Local Hero"?
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