CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

I've got a fox sitting on my window ledge. It's slightly unnerving. He/she is looking up out of the basement well looking rather unnerved him/herself. I hope he/she makes it out safely, I don't know what the drill is for rescuing urban foxes.

[Mick Harper]

Am I being out-deadpanned?

[Ishmael]

Have you seen my most recent posts in the reading room?

[Mick Harper]

Yes, and I was in the middle of replying at length to the first one when the fox returned (I thought he'd gone). By the time I got back after finally dealing with it, the post had disappeared. I am so thoroughly frazzled I may not be up to much today. It's a good job I was able yo get this off early doors
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I’ve got a fox sitting on my window ledge

It’s slightly unnerving. He/she is gazing up out of the basement well looking rather unnerved him/herself. I don’t know how she (I’ve decided it’s a vixen) managed to fall in but she’s got an eight foot leap to get out.

We are both looking at the trailing ivy vines as a kind of scrambling net upwards and offwards. Nope, she failed. Back to the drawing board on my other window ledge. Different ledge, different vine, same result. I hear a few more attempts as I am writing this. It could be a serious digression in my own daily struggle to keep body and soul together, were I not writing about it.

My thoughts turn to intervention. There is no way I’m opening the window, ushering her across my living room, up the stairs, across the hall and out the main door. Come on, be honest, would you? She’s noticed me now but I wouldn’t call it a relationship. I’d like to be able to reassure her that, come what may, she’ll be outta there so sit tight and stop worrying, but I often have the reverse effect on people than I was hoping for, so maybe not.

Who do you call? It’s too trivial for the police and I don’t think the RSPCA would thank me for diverting them from their important work. Besides, judging from their incessant fly-on-the-wall documentaries, they will turn up mob-handed and arrest me for keeping foxes without a licence. It’s too early on a Sunday morning to summon help from other parts of the house and the council isn’t open until tomorrow. What about DIY?

It’s no secret I don’t go in for the step ladders, odd bits of planking, coils of indeterminate rope… the stuff normal householders have permanently getting in everyone’s way because they’re thinking of doing up the spare room. I’ve got a door I took off years ago but it’s still propped up where it used to be, too heavy to shift further, so it’s not going on no fox-rescuing adventures that’s for sure. I’m a martyr to me back as it is.

Which just about exhausts the possibilities. It’s been quiet for a bit so I’m going to assume the best, get some brekkie and watch the England/Brazil highlights. Mind how you go, you never know what’s round the corner.

[Mick Harper]

I wrote a story for Medium about Ukraine back in the middle of January and it got a dozen or so readers, standard for anything topical. Just recently and for reasons I know not, it has suddenly taken off. There were fifteen readers just yesterday and a hundred or so all told. This is not why I'm telling you this -- it happens from time to time -- but because of something else.

In the first para of the story I inform the reader that I have set out the general case in another Medium story, giving the URL Not a single reader as much as viewed it! Go figure.

[Mick Harper]

I have already wondered in these columns what is causing my piece on the Croydon Playboy Murder, written back in August, to be getting so much continuing traction. Whatever it is, it produced sixty more views this month, all but one from outside Medium. I wish I could track down the source. The only clues I have is this

External referrals 90%
google.com 166
email, IM, and direct 30
www . bing. com 12
search.yahoo.com 7
duckduckgo.com 5
applied-epistemology.com 4
Android device (not Medium app) 3
search.aol.co.uk 3
webmail.supanet.com 2
search.aol.com 1

[Mick Harper]

I got a laugh today, a rare thing indeed, worth recording. It started with this, from a fierce sparring partner of mine

[Mick Harper]

Never read from the screen while reaching for your mug of coffee. You might pick up and start drinking from yesterday's mug of coffee. I hope it was yesterday's.

[Mick Harper]

New levels of internet bafflement. I get an email from my secondary pay as you go card, Optimum, telling me I haven't used it lately and it expires next month and I'll lose it if I don't do something pronto. So after the usual rigmarole I see I've got a balance of £1.73 and I haven't used it for a year or more. I think it costs a fiver for a new card but this may be for lost and stolen. Either way, I thought I'd better top it up. It may not be used but it is useful as a back-up.

No way. "You cannot top this card up, ring customer services." I ring the number on the card and get a very irate wrong number. I check on the website terms and conditions, the 7 was actually a 1 with a speck of dust. The new number gets me the Domestic Abuse helpline (it really did). I try again and get "Sorry this number does not exist." I magnify the page and see that 0208 was actually 0203 I finally get through to Customer Services and a recorded message tells me Optimum pay as you go cards have gone out of business. How can this be if they're sending me emails and operating websites? Nothing on the internet about it. Back, as ever, at square one.

[Mick Harper]

Talking of running sores I am waiting for a Royal Mail delivery. I paid my pill supplier for 24-hour delivery, tracked (it was the cheapest!) on Saturday, informed by them on Sunday it had been dispatched and would be delivered Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Clearly they knew Royal Mail doesn't er deliver on its promises. So why use them?

Since then, nothing from Royal Mail. They haven't given me a tracking number so I can't find out. The first I will hear is an email on, probably, Wednesday saying it's been delivered. Why does anybody use Royal Mail? They cannot be that much cheaper than the hundred and one delivery services that just do the job every time, on time. Maybe they know something we don't.

[Mick Harper]

Dear Michael,
Thank you for contacting Customer Services. Unfortunately, the Optimum program closed on 21/02/2024, and therefore we will be unable to replace the card on your account - I am very sorry for any inconvenience this may cause. If you would like to obtain a refund of the balance on your account (£1.87 at the date and time of this email) we will require the following information from you:

The sort code, account number and name of your alternative bank account – please note if the name belonging to your alternative bank account does not match our files, we have a right to reject your request. One we have this we will issue a refund for you via bank transfer and close your account. I hope this helps, but if you have any questions or concerns please let us know.

Kind Regards
Ally Hawkins
Customer Services

[Mick Harper]

Another baffling Medium development (I know you hang on every detail). It concerned this story

[Mick Harper]

There was a programme on the telly the other day accusing Royal Mail of giving priority to parcels over letters because they could charge what they liked with the former but had to apply a set charge (first class or second class) for the latter. "Oh no we don't," said one Royal Mail bigwig after another huffily. "We wouldn't dream of it, we'd be breaking our legal obligations if we did."

All the same, I wish they would. On Sunday a first class 24-hour guaranteed delivery fully trackable parcel was dispatched to me from London WC1. It's Thursday afternoon now and I'm still waiting for it here in London W11. Actually I'm still waiting for the email notification that it's started on its journey so I don't know why I'm even getting into an anticipatory state about it.

[Mick Harper]

Working out reader statistics is a notorious minefield on Medium but I noticed a real weirdo today. My stories mostly get 'views' in single figures unless they're about Ukraine in which case over time they get dozens even a hundred or more. But always in round numbers or halfway between

What’s stopping an end to the Ukraine War? 40
I’ll Tell You An Old Old Story 15
Ukraine: The Sums Add Up 50
Russian Aircrash: The Final Reckoning 65
Russian Aircrash: Latest 45
Ukraine: the Algebra 25
What are the odds, Ukraine or Russia? 140

Is this normal algorithmic behaviour?

[Mick Harper]

I just got hijacked by a couple of Kuwaitis on the way back from Tesco. They insisted on carrying my bags and didn't run off with them. When I insisted they must come in for a cup of tea they took one look at me and claimed they didn't speak any English. I asked again in Classical Arabic but they affected not to understand that either. There's gratitude for you. Old bloke like me all on his own.