The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Coincidentally City and United figured in my first three remembered cupfinals. I won't check the details to test my powers of total recall, but the first one was Man City versus someone, with Don Revie pulling the strings and Bert Trautman breaking his neck. The second one was Man Utd's Busby Babes losing to Aston Villa when an injured Danny Blanchflower's brother had to go off early doors and, before substitutes, that meant ten against eleven for the whole match. The next one was the ex-Busby Babes losing 2-0 to someone with scarcely a whimper.

Not bad, son, but you would have been able to name the teams and the scoreline while singing Abide with me not so long ago. Anyone else want to have a go?

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

So they're going to sign Kane and play him even further back? It wouldn't be my choice but as an AE-ist I admire the boldness of vision.

Having woken up with my brain unused and re-charged I now have no difficulty in recalling it was Birmingham City and Bolton Wanderers that are the missing teams. However before I start rejoicing too quickly, I couldn't remember Harry Kane's name nor, for sure, whether the Harry was Harry Maguire. Naming England's last three captains is one of the questions they use for deciding it's time to go to the old people's home or Switzerland, it's your choice, pal, you've got five minutes to make up your mind.

But before my family starts rejoicing -- they've been trying to get a power of attorney to seize my assets for years -- remembering people's names has been a bugbear all my life.

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

It's a failing of mine, it is just your mind knows that there is no room for the important stuff in the old memory bank if you let in all the irrelevant stuff. That is why super considerate people wear name tags, met a lovely fella called Jeff Banks the other day, he had done just that.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Mind you, isn't the AE position to assign everyone a number? It worked well in "The Prisoner" and it used to work in football, you had a '9' who played in a distinct space, this was cleverly called the oppostion's box. Everyone knew where they stood, which they sensibly did, as they opted to conserve energy for the most important part of the game, when the ball was actually in the zone/box that they occupied.

Nowadays Chatabangu Nbecku is given the '43' shirt and told to "Play as a fake '9', son" and, worse, "press hard when their left back has it".

Poor Chatabangu he just wanted to score on his debut. No wonder he looks confused and dejected as he sprints off towards the corner flag on a fool's errand.

[Mick Harper]

I don't think everyone going round with Jeff Banks name tags is going to help. However, you having the same condition is interesting. In such a small sample and such a rare disorder, decisive even. We once established mild dyslexia (including an inability to distinguish left & right and east & west) was prevalent. And paranoia in the case of our conspiracy-theory junkies. But other than that they'll have trouble identifying us if we keep on the move.

[Mick Harper]

In my young day every position had a number 2 - 11, right back to left wing. They even had a 12 for the substitute when they brought them in (on). If you were a 4 or a 6 you took the throw-ins, 7 and 11 took the corners, 9 the pens. Only 8 and 10 were slightly 'free range', one of you played off the 9, one of you was the midfield schemer. Everyone knew their place. And Chatabangu Nbecku's place was doing a tribal war dance in front of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh on the newsreels.

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Mick Harper]

Rugby solves the problem -- or used to in my young etc -- by marching the free kick on ten yards if anyone gave the ref lip. In soccer they'd soon be taking it outside in the street.

[Ishmael]

[Grant]

I'm the same. Really annoyed someone once who I had worked with for three years. I called him Rob when he was Tom. Or Tom when he was Rob. Still can't remember.

It probably means we are not as bothered with fitting in to the social hierarchy as others. It would account for my lack of friends and failure to suck up to my superiors in the office. I'm not rude, but perhaps they sense my scepticism.

[Ishmael]

[Mick Harper]

So you've both chosen a reason that puts you in a good light.

[Grant]

Not in a good light at all. If I met myself I'd probably think, "what a dick." I'm not just sceptical about other people. I mistrust myself