CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

One of the advantages of being a medium writer is that since you are offering stuff to the general public you go to some lengths to get it all present and correct beforehand. Something I've noticed some of you are paying more attention to as well. But that's not the advantage.

It arises because you go back the next day to see how it has been received. When you discover it hasn't you re-read the story with this in in mind and discover it is in need of considerable improvement. So you do. Then next day ... and so on and so forth. This is quite different to the usual process of second draft, third draft and so on and so forth. By the time anybody ever gets round to reading my stories they will be toppo notcho. Remember the AE triad:

1. Failure is the key to success
2. Success is the graveyard of triumph
3. Think posthumously.

[Mick Harper]

Those marvellous copywriters at Tesco have sent me a memorable sampling of their work

[Ishmael]

[Mick Harper]

I did. They don't.

PS The instructions specifically say not to use air fryers for sausages.

[Mick Harper]

It is a mild disaster losing your TV remote, a major one discovering your TV set doesn't have an on/off switch.

[Mick Harper]

And a real bitch discovering your TV set has no indication what make it is so you can look it up on the internet.

[Ishmael]

The wall plug?

[Mick Harper]

I can tell you're not a technical person. The plug provides what we call 'electricity' which is passive in nature. It cannot command the TV set to turn on. However, to put your (and doubtless many others') mind at rest, after moving furniture round, going through refuse bags and being driven to the edge of despair, I found the remote on the floor next to where it normally sits. It had aligned itself with the edge of the table hence my inability to spot it. I am not a practical person.

[Ishmael]

I've done the same with my glasses. :-)

[Wile E. Coyote]

[Grant]

I've got a new Sky box. If you lose the remote control you press the red button on the box and the remote beeps. What will they think of next?

[Mick Harper]

This confirms my theory that Sky people are fascists and Virgin people are nauseating liberals.

[Mick Harper]

One of the disadvantages of only shopping once a week is your fridge tends to get quite full. One of the problems of only shopping once a week at a Tesco Local is that unless you get there five minutes after they've opened they will have run out of litre (is it?) bottles of semi-skimmed milk. You can have the organic variety all day long but, if you won't have anything organic in the house on ideological grounds, you have to make do with two half-litres of semi-skimmed proper milk. But then, because your bottle thingy on the back of the fridge door is full to bursting with bottles of Sodastreamed water, one of them has to go on a shelf in the main part of the fridge. Which is quite full (see above).

So it gets put right at the top underneath the light. Last week it was a bit off by the time I got round to using it. This is surprising since you buy semi-skimmed to avoid this very problem. So it must have been because of its close association with the light waves of the visible spectrum. Thereby finally proving that the light doesn't go off when we shut the fridge door. Something our parents always remained tight-lipped about. Among other things.

[Mick Harper]

I Didn't Know They Cared dept

[Mick Harper]

How do you think I'm doing on medium?

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