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This Really Makes me Sick! (Health)
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Mick Harper
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Late Breaking News

It turned out -- as far as I could judge -- that I had slightly elevated cholesterol levels due to (a) having egg and bacon for breakfast (b) sausage and chips for tea and (c) unhealthy snackerals in between. I was invited 'to have further blood tests in four-to-six weeks so we can monitor the situation'. The ridiculous thing is, I probably will.
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Mick Harper
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Fix your anxiety-ridden body Guardian Saturday Review
If your skin flares up, you grind your teeth, you have migraines or IBS, hair loss or a stiff neck, chances are stress is a trigger. Here's what to do...

Stop taking the Guardian for a start. It is quite unbelievable that the medical profession is still using stress as a cover-our-backs diagnostic tool. I preferred it when they said it was an excess of yellow bile in the body or noxious vapours in the air. Not only is there no way of measuring stress (except in the sense that skin flare-ups, irritable bowel syndrome, hair loss et al are quite stressful) but once the medical profession knows the reason, there's no point in seeking a cure.

For instance, I started suffering from migraines in my twenties and doctors were wise enough then to say they didn't know the cause, there was no cure and I, like millions of people for thousands of years, would just have to (a) avoid trigger factors and (b) put up with it. If I'd been told I was suffering from stress that doctor would, I promise you, have suffered a very stressful punch in the face. Or at any rate a fiercely quizzical look. Then they found a cure, the triptans.

Just to state the AE position: there is no medical condition that is known to be caused by, or even exacerbated by, stress and we know this because there are millions of people all over the world and all through history that have been in much more stressful conditions than Guardian-readers and the reported incidence of skin flares up, teeth-grinding, migraines, IBS, hair loss and stiff necks is roughly the same.
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Boreades


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Mick Harper wrote:
...there is no medical condition that is known to be caused by, or even exacerbated by, stress ...


Best not mention cancer then?
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Mick Harper
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Mention away.
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Mick Harper
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The skin is your body's largest organ. It's the one that has the most complex and sustained relationship with the outside world, the source of most of your ills. It has had aeons of evolutionary opportunity to get its act together. Does it really make sense to scrub it to within an inch of its life every day? No, leave it to do its job.
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Grant



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True, and why brush your teeth, or wipe your bottom. Let the body take care of itself
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Mick Harper
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Brushing your teeth is at best pointless and at worst (if you have mercury fillings) downright dangerous. I haven't done it for thirty years and look at me now. Well, no, perhaps, I'm not the best advertisement but I'm still here.

Bottom-wiping is more interesting (as I said to my group). I had a girlfriend who was intensely house-proud and devoted to her dog. (She only used me for sex.) The little chap's anus -- we're back with the dog -- was a constant source of worry to her despite my pointing out that nature had provided a perfect sealing mechanism. She pointed out it wasn't perfect -- it happened once. With human beings it happens quite often.
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Mick Harper
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I just realised why my doctor said, to my surprise and for the first time they've ever shown any evidence of wishing to make my life more convenient, that she will 'send the prescription direct to your chemist for you'.

It's so you can't show the prescription to an online chemist and get the pills for evermore without the two pillars of the British health industry -- GP's and pharmacists -- being involved for evermore.
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Mick Harper
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Fifteen minutes later

"I need a repeat prescription."
"Mr Harper, isn't it? Date of birth?"
"19-11-67."
She goes into the back room. Time passes. I hear her pulling drawers out. She calls over the other pharmacist. They both start pulling drawers out. I know what's happening, it's happened a hundred and eighty-three times before. Eventually...
"I'm sorry, Mr Harper, it doesn't seem to have arrived."
"I know, I want to order it."
"Oh, right, it'll be here day after tomorrow."

This must happen to everyone else as well so you'd have thought they might have twigged by now.
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Mick Harper
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Mick: I'm ringing up about my blood test results.
Receptionist: They've all come back clear.
Mick: Thanks. Bye.
Receptionist: Bye.
(a month passes)
Receptionist: Can you do a phone consultation? The doctor wants to discuss your blood test results.
Mick: I thought they were clear, but OK. When?
Receptionist (surprised): Oh, when can you manage?
Mick: Anytime.
Receptionist (surprised): Oh, I'll have to find out when we've got one available.
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Mick Harper
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Patients paying £550 an hour for private GP's Guardian front-page headline

This intrigues me on several fronts, not least why the Guardian should think this the most important news of the day. Surely their need to bash the Tories for ruining our NHS doesn't justify it. But mostly it reminded me of an occasion when I was chatting about medical mattes to an acquaintance who is obscenely rich and goes private for his needs.

"What do you about ordinary GP's visits, " I asked.
"Oh, I've got an NHS one round the corner."
"Why's that? Doesn't your health insurance cover it?"
"I've no idea but I'm hardly likely to go trundling off to Harley Street every time one of the kids gets the sniffles, am I?"
"Is that normal?"
"As far as I know. I don't even know whether there are private GP's. I suppose there must be."

Well, now I know, there are. But here's my next question. What on earth would take an hour in a GP's surgery? If it was an hour-long total check up, then it would be off to Harley Street. But that prompts the next question. Even the rich aren't going to pay £550 to avoid the five minute drill NHS GP's make us go through to get an appointment, are they? Unless the waiting list is stretching into eternity when you do finally get through. Yes, well, maybe the Guardian was justified after all.
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Mick Harper
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My GP switched me from one brand of blood pressure tablet to another. She likes to throw her weight around. Or it may be a backhander. A few days later I was plunged into a depression. Seeking solace from the folded-up pamphlet thingy the Nazi Nanny State obliges Big Pharma to put in their medicaments, I noticed

Side effects (1 in 1000): depression. Normally temporary.

And so it was, gone the next day. But it got me to thinking, specifically about the one input/one output rule. Why do they keep banging on about stress and other misadventures life is heir to? It's obviously brain chemistry and nothing but brain chemistry. Mind you, 'nothing much' should never appear in the same sentence as 'depression', I can now tell you.
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Mick Harper
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There'll almost certainly be another pandemic, we just don't know when. BBC Newsnight.

Do we? When was the one before Covid? 1918? 1665? 1348? It is never wise starting on a sequence-of-events exercise from a sample of one.
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Mick Harper
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I'm supposed to measure my blood pressure every day in pursuit of some madcap scheme my doctor has devised and I don't like to let her down having fallen in love with her over the phone. She should be struck off, the baggage. I do it first thing in the morning and it's always off the scale (so I don't record it). I do it again at lunchtime and it's always quite normal, and goes in the book. Thus proving strenuous intellectual exercise is good for you. No wonder this country is in a health crisis.
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Mick Harper
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I have been persuaded by the saintly Michael Mosley that ingesting fermented foods is the way to go. It sets up a beneficial regime of bugs in your lower thingummysomething or something. Anyway, extensive trials show you live fifty years longer or something. But drinking a tasty little bottle of probiotics once a week won't do the job. It means ingesting things that ordinarily make you sick like sauerkraut, kimchi, kefir and kombucha on a regular basis. [Staff etymologist: find out the significance of the letter K in fermentation healthfoods.]

Actually you can make all these things palatable with a modicum of ingenuity. The two big snags are (1) finding them at you local supermarket and (2) making sure they are the bug-rich foreign versions, not homogenised to death British supermarket versions.
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