AE on Telly News (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

Going through the Wycliffe back catalogue, as you do on Sunday afternoons, I couldn't help noticing that each episode has some supernatural content. This is like every episode of The Sweeney being about jellied eels. Harsh but true.

[Mick Harper]

Maxine (Channel 5)

Not so long ago she was the most hated woman in Britain, now she is 'Maxine'. Doubtless neither is justified.

[Mick Harper]

The Larkins (ITV-1)

I remember the first iteration of this, when we were introduced to the bounteous charms of Catherine Zeta-Jones and reminded of the dramatic range of David Jason. My own tastes have sharpened since the days of 'three channels, this is the best they have to offer' but I thought I ought to check out the revival. This lasted for all of two minutes because, in the hands of the scriptwriters, Ma Larkins, a cheery rural figure of limited cultural horizons, was heard to say

[Mick Harper]

The Stonehenge Enigma -- What Lies Beneath? (Channel5)

This covered some pretty electrifying stuff, notably the existence of a huge enclosure at Durrington Walls (biggest in Europe, da dah). Which was even more notable for actually containing stuff -- henges don't normally. To wit (a) hundreds of temporarily-occupied houses round the perimeter and (b) the bones of pigs brought from all over Britain to be, it would seem, hunted within the enclosure.

Everyone involved was thoroughly excited and did what they always do: started to draw pencil lines on maps joining up all the features on Salisbury Plain ending up at Stonehenge in order to come up with entirely fanciful explanations of ritual parades going from one to another. And maybe they did. But in their excitement, the archaeologists carefully ignored the really important questions:

1. If people could live in 'villages' temporarily while they were at the Salisbury Plain festivities, how come we haven't found the villages where they lived before and after the hols?
2. If the pigs came from all over Britain, the people that brought them must have done so too. How the hell did any of them find Salisbury Plain without maps, signposts or written directions?
3. How come Salisbury Plain is the only plain in Britain?

[Mick Harper]

It's the most excitingly newsworthy day since the Long Parliament so what does Newsnight do? After a perfunctory rehash of the day's events by the Politico johnnie, they embark on a studio discussion featuring a bunch of people as bewildered as we are only they haven't had the benefit of Newsnight elucidating the issues. Whoops, I forgot, neither have we. Then they had a piece on the shortcomings of child education which appears to have been filmed some time ago and certainly could have been shown at any time in the future.

Well done, the BBC's flagship news and current affairs programme. Though it was much the same during the climactic days of the Long Parliament when they had a studio discussion about the prospects of civil war (in Ireland) and a piece on the shortcomings of adult education. They did have a civil war later only it was about whether the Licence Fee should go to the King or Parliament.

[Mick Harper]

The Listening Post (Al-Jazeera)

Devoted this week to the vilification of Elon Musk. How very original. It's worth pointing out that he is alone amongst the Really Really Rich in being a self-made man. All the others are either crooks, royals, or beneficiaries of being early adopters of something that turned out the world wanted. Musk alone did it by being an early adopter of multiple things that either the world doesn't particularly want or is in competition with everyone else insofar as it does. In other words, he's the real deal, not just real lucky. Richard Branson is his one rival in this and he is only Really Rich so doesn't count.

The peg for the Al-Jazeera assault was Musk's questioning why he should be forking out twenty million a month keeping Ukraine's war machine going via his low orbit satellites. Yes, that's right the bastard has been providing it for free for nine months and rather wondered, since every other company is getting rich from US/UK/EU subventions to Ukraine, isn't it time his company did. But he made it clear, if they won't, he'll just have to go on being the world's greatest benefactor to the noble cause.

Balls to that, says Al-Jazeera...

[Mick Harper]

Musk is apparently rattling Ukraine's cage because he is secretly pro-Russian. Just as he is secretly pro-Chinese because he put forward an idea for Taiwan being part of China with safeguards (as opposed to the present situation which is that Taiwan is recognised as being part of China without any safeguards).

But there's an AE point to all this. All the talking heads agreed that Elon Musk is a) exceptionally dangerous and b) exceptionally stupid. The evidence for this is something you will all recognise: he disagreed with the talking heads. What more evidence would anyone need? But he didn't really disagree with the talking heads -- nobody could be that stupid -- it was because he had business interests in Russia and China. Anyone who thinks Elon Musk has ten times as many business interests in the west is even stupider.

[Mick Harper]

Vatican Girl (Netflix)

This is a straight documentary about the disappearance of a thirteen year-old back in the 1980's. Since it was advertised as a Catholic/Mafia/A N Others conspiracy, I was on it like a hawk. First surprise: there is a Vatican population. It was obvious really, I'd just never thought about it before. Second surprise: they lock the gates of the Vatican at night. I'd never thought of it as a walled city before.

First difficulty: it is mostly talking heads, Italians speak with great rapidity and Netflix takes no prisoners with its subtitles so you missed quite a lot of the dialogue on account of not being able to read them in time.
Solution: I consult the list of options, discover there is an English language version (what country does Netflix think I live in?) and settle down to hear every word.

Second difficulty: Netflix is addicted to social-realism so they have people speaking in their own Italian voices and then a bit later an English voice comes in as an overdub and you get to listen to both! Since my own auditory systems are not trained for this unusual task, I have to concentrate like mad to make out what the English geezer is saying. It takes almost as much effort as reading subtitles. But I'm sticking with it because the narrator speaks in unimpeded Italian-accented English throughout. So much for social-realism.
Solution: I'm sticking with it so far but it had better be worth it..

[Mick Harper]

When I'm between books I become a mildly crazed Disgruntled of Tunbridge Wells, though I am a remarkably cheery and satisfied, one might say self-satisfied, person otherwise. Hence I decided to beard Netflix on their silly overdubbing policy. Not because I thought it would do any good, just for something to do on my computer. And to bore you with, of course. Though there is some incidental comedy.

Mick Vatican Girl. When someone starts speaking in Italian, an English voice is overdubbed but both voices can be heard. I cannot make out what the English voice is saying. Why do you have this bizarre policy?
Francis, Netflix Thank you for contacting Netflix. My name is Francis. I shall help you with your concern today. Let's start with your Netflix email address and name, please.
Mick Mick Harper, *******************
Francis Hey thank you for providing your details.
[Long pause]
Mick Are you providing me with an answer?
Francis Please give me a minute while I research your account. No worries as I have checked through your concern i will surely help you out with your issue. May I know which device you are using ?
Mick A brand new television set.
Francis Can you please tell us the make of it ?
Mick Panosonic (I think)
Francis Okay . Just give me a minute. Can you please check which brand it is of so that we can check and help you out with it .
Mick Sorry, Toshiba
Francis Please give me a minute while I research your account. Looks like this is going to take a little longer than expected. Please stay connected, I will be right back with a resolution. I appreciate you working with me on this.
Mick I'll be here.
Francis Are any other devices in the home affected? (mention the device model that is working fine ) ?
Mick Affected by what? It is only Netfllix that applies this weird policy.
Francis Is the same issue occurring on any other device ?
Mick I only watch TV programmes on TV, so no, it doesn't.
Francis Please mention Netflix App Version / Browser Version ?
Mick Virgin
Francis May I know the version of your Netflix app or Browser version ?
Mick Google Chrome
Francis May I know the version of that Netflix
Mick I cannot say, I don't know any further details I can give you.
Francis Okay No worries let me check and no worries I will help you out. Looks like this is going to take a little longer than expected. Please stay connected, I will be right back with a resolution. I appreciate you working with me on this.
Mick I'll be here.
Francis Thank you ! Hey I request you to please click on your Dialog box icon and see if audio descriptions are on ? Can you check in your audio and subtitle on your TV audio description is on or not?
Mick If you mean on the TV, yes, I've tried all combinations. It is only because of Netflix's policy of having two people speaking in two languages simultaneously that is the problem. It's not personal to me.
Francis Can you check in your audio and subtitle on your TV audio description is on or not? Did you try this?
Mick Honestly, I've already told you it is. It says English 5.1 (I've tried English)
Francis If both are on then it will be explaining what is happening and the character speaking in the show. You have to turn anyone option off according to you.
[You cannot do this, they are listed. By choosing one the other gets turned off. It's a bit Netflix 101.]
Mick I know all this. In all sincerity I beg you when you go home to try to watch Vatican Girl in English. But if that is Netflix#s policy there is not much I can do but watch something else. I suggest we end this here.
Francis Alright, allow me a minute let me check here. Is this happening only on one title or all?
Mick All that are (a) documentaries and (b) overdubbed.
Francis Okay Just give me a minute! Can you tell me in which language do you prefer to watch?
Mick For goodness sake! English.
Francis Noted. As you asked we tried check for the title Vatican Girl it seems there is an issue I'm checking on it. Looks like this is going to take a little longer than expected. Please stay connected, I will be right back with a resolution. I appreciate you working with me on this.
Mick I'll be here.
Francis Thank you. Have you tried on alternate profile/device?
Mick Please do not continue with this. I have told you what the problem is -- Netflix's ridiculous decision to maintain social realism by having talking heads talking in their own language simultaneously with the overdubbed English. Since presumably you won't report this to your superiors I really do suggest we leave it there.
Francis Alright, It seems we need to get the issue escalated. Just give me some time .
Mick OK, but I have my doubts.
Francis yeah Please tell us. Sure tell me?
Mick I don't follow. You surely don't have the power to affect Netflix policy.
Francis I completely understand your concern although the issue you highlighted and we need to investigate so even after escalation resolution won't be quick but we will work on a fix. And that is the reason we need few details to get it escalated to the technical team.
Mick Look, I'm prepared to hang on if necessary but would it not be better to leave it here and you can contact me by phone or email when you have clarified matters?
Francis If there was an option of callback I would have provided you the same. If you are not able to help me with the details I will suggest you to report the title from your end and thanks for reporting this to us. I will share a link how you can report a title via email does that sound good?
Mick What details? You have them all, as I say it is not personal to me. I have reported the title at my end so I don't know what more I can do.
Francis Click Here. Okay I have sent it to you through email. Thanks alot, if you have already reported the title. When you report a problem with a title, it helps us prioritize the issues our members are experiencing. While not every issue will be fixed right away, reporting a problem provides insight into where issues are occurring.
Mick Oh, I see a click here. Well, I will do so when I've had a little lie down! Many thanks for your forbearance.
Francis I really appreciate you being with us till now. Is there anything else we can help you with?
Mick Doesn't sound like it! Goodbye and good luck.

Needless to say in the links and bumf Francis sent me there was no provision for (a) reporting a specific programme or (b) reporting this particular problem. All it said was to contact Francis or his/her ilk once again.

[Grant]

Where does Mick find the time to watch these TV shows.
In my household we have Netflix, Prime and Apple, but after the initial interest I can find virtually nothing to watch. I think the real problem is when it says an interesting new show is one of six “seasons.” It’s like buying a box of chocolates at Hotel de Chocolate and being told, “You can’t buy just one box. You must take six, and after the third box they will taste of sugared cardboard.”
Netflix would end all their current problems if they told their show runners (I believe that’s the term) they had one series only.

[Mick Harper]

[Wile E. Coyote]

In a surprising regeneration twist, the BBC has decided to follow Jodie's brilliant, "breaks the glass ceiling" Doctor (3 million plus viewers) with another short stint of 3 episodes by boring mainstream David Tennant (8 million plus viewers) before the actual next new Doctor arrives.

Clearly the failed regeneration was driven by the plot.

[Mick Harper]

When oh when are we going to get a white, male, English Doctor Who?

[Grant]

The problem with Jodie Whitaker’s doctor is that she’s a sexy woman. Sexy women do not have authority. Doctor Who needs authority. People need to listen when he tells them how to save the universe for the umpteenth tedious time.

The same problem will face the gay Doctor Who.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Not sure, to my way of thinking, if the world is at stake, then Jodie should have used both her intelligence and her sexiness to save it, unfortunately she didn't. She was a bit of a tomboy, really. Doesn't that miss the point of having a female Doctor?