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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Wile E. Coyote


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Mick Harper wrote:
Disqualified. We don't go in for guesswork round here, Grant. If we don't know something we go for Arsenal.


Normally, yes, but I am afraid Arteta is safe, my bet would have to be on Gerrard at 11/1, this seems to Wiles incredibly good value.
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Mick Harper
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I'm not so sure. These odds always look delicious because of the "he's got no chance" factor but of course the fly in the ointment is he has to be the first and there is always at least a dozen Premiership managers in this position.

It's a little known fact that Watford's chief source of fresh financing is, "Griselda, take a letter. 'Dear Manager (fill in the name, I can't remember who it is at the moment) thank you for your services etc etc. You know the form. Then go round the betting shops putting a grand with each on him being the first to be sacked... No, hang on, Ceefax is saying Gerrard's just got the chop. Take a letter. Dear Mr Gerrard..."
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Mick Harper
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There are not many solaces in this vale of tears I call my life but one of them was Pardon the Interruption, an American sports talk show. I say 'was' because an executive at BT Sport said, "We're fed up with being a solace in M J Harper's life so we're going to take off Pardon the Interruption and replace it with World Little League baseball. Hours and hours of it."

There are not many solaces in this vale of tears I call my life but one of them is watching ten-year-olds running round bases for hours and hours. And I'm not even a paedophile. Well, I wasn't...
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Mick Harper
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Manchester United Striker Crisis (1)

Marcus Rashford is believed to be a transfer target for Paris Saint-Germain and the French club's manager Christophe Galtier has confirmed it

I know what you're thinking. "Blimey, United will bite their hand off. The way he's been playing he wouldn't get into the AEL's front line of Coyote, Harper and Grant, never mind PSG's Mbappe, Messi and Neymar." But don't.

You see, PSG are a very political project -- a marriage of Muslim money and French power-broking. What is the chief problem facing the French at the moment? Muslim poverty in the Parisian suburbs and the concomitant rise of urban unrest. You only have to look back to 1968, 1871, 1848, 1830 and 1789 to know what that means to French power-brokers.

What is Marcus's great talent? Delivering free meals to the poor. They'll pay over the odds, you'll see. No, you dimbo, PSG not the poor.
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Mick Harper
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Manchester United Striker Crisis (2)

Man Utd dealt blow as Rabiot's mother asks for wage 'in excess of £7 million'.

We've all had mothers like that. "You're not going to no Manchester United, you'll go to Millwall like your father and his father before him, now eat your rusks."
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Mick Harper
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A major London club has offered Memphis Depay £200,000 a week, equalling their top player salary, to sign a five year contract.
Good Morning, Transfers Sky Sports News Channel

The assiduous Sky Sports journalists know everything (often before any of the parties concerned) so this is a major puzzle. One of their sources has told them everything except the identity of the club, but has given them enough clues to identify it. They could if they wanted to -- they know what every club's wage structure is down to the last penny of media rights -- but they resolutely refused even to speculate. Which they normally do for the full hour.

One to watch. Sky-wise, not Depay-wise. (It was just his mum flying a kite.)
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Wile E. Coyote


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Manchester United Striker Crisis (3)


I reckon Man U could do worse than put in a quick bid for QPR's Seny Dieng. He looks a bit useful. If it didn't work out, they could always try him in goal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUb-lIUnw2E
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Mick Harper
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I think we've probably outgrown the Premier League (especially as Man Utd won't be in it next season) so we'll maybe organise a Euro Superleague or something. Mind you, we've always been traditionalists so we'll leave Young Arsenal or Arsenal Ladies or whatever to carry on with the knockabout parochial stuff.
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Mick Harper
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You're not wrong there, Wiley, I know all the QPR mums. Quite well in a number of cases, Championship wages being what they are and Shepherds Bush Green being so close. Of course de Gea has been agitating for a move to his boyhood team, Real Madrid, for years but this latest gambit of deliberately letting in goals may have them wondering if they still want him. On the other hand they don't have to play the likes of Brentford and Brighton week in, week out.

PS It turned out to be West Ham that was in for Depay. I was misled when they said 'a major London club'.
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Mick Harper
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I enjoyed the fight between Tuchel and Conte. Teuton vs Latin made for a nice contrast in styles. Though the undercard of English cone-shifters and physios was disappointing. And as for the analysis by the MoTD pundits... well, where was the slo-mo? Where was the pitch diagram showing how close they had been standing during the ninety minutes? Where was the "It's a disgrace, in my day he would have ended up with his jaw wired but nowadays all you get is a red card, it's health and safety gone mad"?
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Wile E. Coyote


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Wiles can't help thinking that this start is exactly what Manchester United needed. You only get to know how good a boxer is when they have been thumped and have to show they can take a great punch and still respond.

This way the fans get to know early, exactly how good a manager ten Hag is, and exactly what players want to be part of a ten Hag team.
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Mick Harper
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Yes, I was talking to a United fan lately. "It's good when we win matches, Mick, but it's also good when we lose matches...." but I'd drifted off by then so I never got to hear whether it's good that the manager is building a new side even though this inevitably requires having to put out a non-winning side while the Board is looking to replace a non-winning manager with one who understands 'the United way'.

I didn't follow the 'what players want' part of your argument. Should, in your opinion, a United manager seek to win the dressing room or seek to lose it? Always bearing in mind he is replacing the players in the dressing room.

Frankly (no pun intended) I wouldn't want to be a United manager even if they asked me. Though that would be better than being a United supporter. No wonder there aren't many of them apart from outside Manchester itself.
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Wile E. Coyote


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Frankly (no pun intended) I wouldn't want to be a United manager even if they asked me.


They asked me before ten Hag, but I made it a condition of employment that I would be allowed to bring in Tony the Tiger as my assistant. Eventually the Board opted for Hag and McClaren instead. Poccho and I will get over the board's rejection, but I am not sure that Tony will. It is so humiliating.
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Mick Harper
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Nottingham Forest 1 West Ham 0
And ol' big 'ead must have been smiling down on them.
BBC commentator

A prepositional malfunction there. Brian Clough was the nastiest and most corrupt manager of his era. Apparently, it went like this

St Peter: Yes?
Cloughie: Two European cups. League titles with two different clubs. All done on a shoestring.
St Peter: Thank God you've come, the works team is playing diabolical.
Cloughie: Could you open the gates a bit wider, I can't get my head through.
St Peter: I can't actually. It must be a sign from heaven.
Cloughie: Come on! I can make it worth your while.
St Peter: No can do. I only work here. It means you're for Eternal Torment, I'm afraid. Goodbye and good luck. If only, if only...
God: You handled that very well, Simon Peter.
St Peter: Hapoel, Hapoel, Hapo-we-e-el.
God: Arsenal, Arsenal, Arsenoo-ool.
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Mick Harper
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Refwatch Sky Sports (soon to be Cocklecarrot's In Yer Face)

I'm clearing the decks for when Dermot Gallagher, an older version of Rupert Murdoch, makes way. So (so) Antonio is steaming into the box (ball elsewhere, plays no part in the story) collides with Forest defender. 'It' s a pen all day,' screams West Ham. "No, it's not, Antonio changed his path," screams everyone else. "Plus he was leading with his elbow," observes Dermot unscreamingly. (He's a complete bust as a TV personality.) We turn to Justice C/C for the unquiet truth.

All this is complete rubbish. The Forest defender never moved. How can you commit an offence standing still? He's entitled to stand wherever he likes. If Antonio wants to run into him, whether changing path or not, he should be given a yellow card for egregious contact. If he was leading with his elbow he should get a red for violent conduct.
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