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CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Grant



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My first school headmistress (Addiscombe infants in Croydon) was AJP Taylor’s sister. It didn’t mean much to me at five
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Mick Harper
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It's good enough for me. I shall be dropping this into my next dinner party conversation (with minor adjustments).
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Mick Harper
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It's that time of the month again.

Vuse UK ([email protected])
Your order placed Thursday 4 Aug 2022 05:29
Hi Michael,
We wanted to let you know that your order has been dispatched Fri, 5 Aug 2022 0:46
YOUR ORDER IS ON ITS WAY and should arrive soon

Thanks Vuse but you being the biggest tobacco company in the world and my order being a monthly subscription, why not dispatch it on the Thursday? Just a small point, hardly worth mentioning. As it is, I'm down to my last two days of nicotine vapes (I've given up the cannabis ones, by the way, in solidarity with the American basketball player) and it's shopping day, my only chance to get some expensive ones before Royal Mail Watch begins.

Royal Mail
Item Received Fri, 5 Aug 2022 2230

In the old days, it would be received by me after 22 hours but we must be thankful it has been received by Royal Mail.

Royal Mail
We have your item at National DC.
Saturday 06 August 2022 01:50

It's on the move. What are the prospects?

Royal Mail
We expect to deliver it on Monday 08 August 2022 between 9:04am - 1:04pm

Tricky. If this is so, I'll just be able to hold out. If not, it will be back to slipping out to the shops in the astrakhan coat. But it's August so the holiday season is over (the reason given for the delay last time) so I'm going to take a punt on Royal Mail.

Call me a fool, call me an optimist, but never accuse me of lacking patriotism.
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Mick Harper
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Shopping News

I went abroad five years ago and bought some loafers to celebrate. Eighteen pounds, more than I usually pay, but what the hell. Anyway I wore them for five years, indoors, outdoors, in my lady's chamber ("Do you have to wear your shoes in bed?" "Gives me more purchase, doll." "Well turn to your side, it's time for your injection.") but even I could see their days were numbered.

So off to the loafers shop in the Portobello. £85? Not while there's gaffer tape in this town. Bought two butterscotch Angel Delights to make up for it.
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Mick Harper
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I have received my plea from Thames Water, as featured on Channel 4 News

The temperature's going up again

Yes, global warming. Are you doing anything about it?
Hello

It's always Hello, Michael Harper, when they're telling us where people can pay the bill.

Thank you for helping in the recent heat wave by using water wisely.

They've been using that Chinese spyware again.

It meant that we were able to keep supplying water without putting extra pressure on the environment. We’re really grateful for everything you did.

So they have been thinking about Global Warming.

As this long dry spell goes on, there’s less water to go around – you might have also seen on the news that we’re heading into another hot spell. So, it couldn’t be more important to save every drop. Every drop you save really is another drop more in your local river or reservoir.

A drop in the ocean is the way I would put it.

Here’s a refresher on some top water-saving tips: Have a ‘can’ do attitude - Use a watering can instead of the hosepipe. Hosepipes and sprinklers can use up to 500 litres in just 30mins, which is more than an average family of four uses in a whole day. Love a brown lawn - It’s ok to let the grass go brown, it will bounce back once it rains. Squeeze that shower - Showers make up 25% of a household’s water use, on average; so shave a few minutes off your shower and save lots of litres! There are also lots more water saving tips on our website.

Hope so, I haven't got a garden or a shower.

Thanks again for helping us and saving life’s precious resource. Let’s keep working together to keep taps flowing and toilets flushing.

As it's an emergency I recommend temporarily diverting a proportion of profits, but it's your call.

The Thames Water Team
    Pull, pull, together
    Together we'll see it through
    Pull, pull, together
    But it's more me than you.
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Mick Harper
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I was trying to work out what letter is most frequently used in written English. Neither E nor A is visible on my keyboard so it will be one of those (I have to remember each time). The S is almost gone. At first I thought I would have to add K to the mix but that turned out to be ingrained dirt.
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Mick Harper
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The bastards. Delivered it on time. I must be on The List. But they showed who was boss by running another cutie past me. They didn't tell me it was delivered. No ring on the bell, no card on the mat, no email to say it had arrived. The only way I knew was when the promised time was past and hence I returned to the Royal Mail Where Is Your Parcel? page to discover

    Delivered
Your item was delivered to your requested Safeplace on 08-08-2022.

This safe place I had apparently requested was for it be propped up against the front door.
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Mick Harper
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Salman Rushdie, A Writer Speaks

It is a melancholy irony that every writer in the world would give their eye-teeth to be attacked by an irate member of the public in public. It's an extreme application of the "There's no such thing as bad publicity" dictum. You can't buy the coverage Rushdie got but a few days in hospital has. I know we're always complaining that everyone's a critic but we do rely on them.

I dislike the man, I don't agree with his politics, I find his books unreadable but, like Mrs Thatcher who shared my views but spent millions making sure he was all right, I wish him a speedy recovery. Then back on the horse, Salman!
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Mick Harper
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With the cost of living going through the roof many of you will have decided to return to your peasant roots. But it need not be doom and gloom. Why not other people's peasant roots and pretend you've gone World Fusion? Hence eight Tesco tortillas in a special reseal pack. I thought they were that other dubry I bought the other week so I'm in a bit of a tailspin. I'll get back to you with Lessons Learned after I have played around with the reseal pack for a bit. This one looks more than ordinarily difficult to master.
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M J Harper in his new book wrote:
The Fawr in Clynnog Fawr stands for ‘great’ but that does not necessarily equate to size. When we Londoners drive through English places with names like Appleby Magna or Great Missenden, we often remark, “No wonder we missed Little Missenden.” Motorists would be forgiven if they were equally dismissive when driving through [#7] Llanbadarn Fawr

Roald Dahl lived in Great Missenden and mentions Little Missenden in his autobiography. No, please, do not speak of riding on great men's shoulders. He pre-dates me.
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Mick Harper
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Yes, tortillas. My sister is Mexican-by-marriage and as a trained cordon bleu chef (no, really, who'd have thought it) is a dab hand with rolling them up and filling them with all sorts. Dee-licious. Pending her annual visit I will have to read the instructions.

Remove all packaging. Wrap all the tortillas in tin foil and place in a pre-heated oven for eight minutes.

And that's it! I only want one for a kick-off. Do you roll them up and put the foil round or what? Well, anyway I did, then unrolled it, applied olive oil, salt and pepper to the central section, rolled it up again and ate it. (Having removed the tin foil of course.) Dee-licious. I'll give her cordon bleu.
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There's a piece on medium.com entitled The Best (and Worst) Presidents in History according to Historians https://grantpiperwriting.medium.com/the-best-and-worst-presidents-in-history-according-to-historians-4b2615d6f975

It quotes various surveys and authorities. Who's up, who's down, who should be in, who shouldn't. You know the form. The only prez that is never shifted (from the No 1 spot) is Lincoln. I couldn't let such an opportunity pass me by

Why youse guys lionise Abraham Lincoln will forever be a mystery to me. What a jerk.

I'll be interested in the response. (If there is any, though I've been getting a bit of airplay lately.)
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Mick Harper
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Tried filling a tortilla with grated cheese. Very disappointing. No wonder it's called Mexican rarebit. There's no chance of going the whole enchilada -- mince, beans, chile sauce -- I lack all four, so what's next? And don't forget, as they used to say on Time Team

I've only got six tortillas to find out.
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Mick Harper
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Here's one for the conspiracy theory nuts

Conegliano 134
conferences 141 338
Congress 141 192
conspiracy 73-4 77 82 143 152
‘conspiracy theory’ 71 152 381 398 399
Constable 199 201
Constantine, emperor 253 267 268 290
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Mick Harper
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You Are The Indexer

There is a passing reference to Godstone in Surrey in a book you are indexing which you can include or exclude at your discretion. Do you choose this exciting sequence

Gnostic 43 268
Goat Hotel 293
God 23 44 45 225 256 395
Goebbels, Joseph 138 149 150
Goethe, Johann 133 138 178-9

or this blandly pedantic effort
Gnostic 43 268
Goat Hotel 293
God 23 44 45 225 256 395
Godstone 86
Goebbels, Joseph 138 149 150
Goethe, Johann 133 138 178-9

Competitors are advised that more people are likely to browse the index (it is aimed at academic library shelves) than will read the book.
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