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The Importance of Sport (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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There's only one man from Lewisham with any brains and he's not in Tokyo. He's in London (though as far away from Lewisham as he can manage) screaming at Alex Yee, "You're now a shoe-in for the gold. All you have to do is run behind your team-mate, even alternate with him if he's a selfish bastard. Failing that, all you have to do is run behind anybody else in the 'peleton'. That's why there is a peleton. Strike for home at a moment of your own choosing. Over."

"I hear you, Mick, but I've got a better idea. I'm going to lead the pack all the way thus making sure a fat Norwegian (who's in it for the swimming and the cycling) will drop me with a kilometre to go. Lewisham best is second best, am I right, Mick?"

"I'm having my own troubles, Big Al. Lewisham's best is currently 45,927th best."
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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How about sending someone heroic from Sydenham? Like Shackleton. Oh, hang on, he lost to a Norwegian as well.
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Mick Harper
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He's one of ours, is he? Dear old Len. 'The Clown Prince of Soccer.' I thought he was a Geordie but Lewisham's gain is Spennymoor's loss.
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Mick Harper
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And so to the women's triathlon. This time our two-in-the-leading-pack manage to screw up a whole new ball game. One of them starts to drop behind right at the end of the cycling. It's completely standard: your team-mate drops back and tows you in. A few seconds lost there will be repaid an hundredfold during the running phase. Oh no, she's left to wither on the vine meaning both have to run for ten thousand metres on their Jack Jones. Second and ninth. Apply for your new passports at the desk. You're going to two different countries, my beauties.
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Mick Harper
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Our big hope in the Taekwondo is three seconds away from the final. All she has to do is run away. You guessed it, she's from the Lewisham of the north, Liverpool. So no, she comes steaming in and has her head kicked in. Fair do's, she's never taken a backward step in her life and she's not about to start just to get an Olympic bauble. There's lines thou durst not cross.

She's now in the play-off for the bronze and once again she's a point up with three seconds to go. There's a sharp intake of breath from the watching world. What's she gong to do? Time stands still. She runs away. That's my kind of girl.
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Boreades


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I've learnt my lesson.

29th June : England -v- Germany (2:0)
I was working, I didn't watch the match.

3rd July: Ukraine -v- England (0:4)
Every time I left the room, England scored.

7th July: England -v- Denmark (2:1)
We had guests, I felt obliged to watch the match. Denmark scored first. I left the room in disgust. England scored twice.

11th July: The final, Italy -v- England
We had guests, I said I couldn't bear to watch. After 65 minutes, they call me to come and watch, cos England's winning. I walk into the room, and Italy scores. You know the rest.

Conclusion?
It's much much better for Team GB if I stay a long way away from the TV

I have all my excuses ready and lined-up. The chicken run needs mending with new fence posts and wire mesh, I've got 400 sq.metres of top soil that needs grass seeding. The fish pond needs extra-tight security netting, cos there's a heron in the neighbourhood that glides in at dawn to burgle the fish. The blackcurrant bushes are bending under the weight of the fruit, it's time to pick them.

Oh, and our builder (for the new buildings at Château Boreades) is daylighting somewhere else. M'Lady is getting concerned at the lack of progress -v- the invoices. She might be going on her own Pursuit Event with her finely-tuned set of Purdeys.

Give me a call if there's anything good happening.
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Boreades


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Taekwondo is another sport I cannot bear to watch, because of personal experience. I didn't get where I am today without the broken fingers.

#1 Daughter Boreadette did much better, reaching Red Belt (one short of Black Belt). Her trainers tried to convince her she had what it takes to Go Far. National Squad, glory beckons, etc.

Sadly, all she saw was the chance to get your face kicked in.

She declined the offer, and is now happily pulling pints in a local pub. But the Landlord has warned the patrons, behave yourself or she will sort you out.
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Boreades


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Breaking news!

Charlotte Dujardin equalled the most number of Olympic medals won by a British woman by claiming team dressage bronze in Tokyo.

It looks like Team GB excels at the "sitting down" events like horse riding, rowing and cycling.
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Mick Harper
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And book writing. I know a bloke who spent three years preparing for the big event, every hour God sent him, then come the big day he was beaten by 64,871 other Brits. Damnee, they must be good.
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Mick Harper
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I learned something today. If your foot touches the water however fleetingly before your hands -- I know it sounds ridiculous but it's quite possible if you're rotating rapidly with an inward running three and a half somersault reversed in the pike position with tuck -- this is considered a 'failed dive' and the referee, after a video examination, will order an award of 0.0, 0.0, 0.0 ... well, you get the picture. I was wondering how me, a diving brainbox, did not know this, when all was revealed

"First time it's happened in seventeen years of international competition." Eurosport's man at the poolside

If you want to know why I'm so up on it, it's genetic. My mum was a diving international. Guernsey vs Jersey, 1935. If only my dad had written books for his country.
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Mick Harper
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I know it would never be allowed for elephant in the room reasons but now we have nine channels devoted to Olympic sport why can't we have one that just shows wall-to-wall Brit interest? I'll even watch the bloke coming seventeenth in the clay pigeon shooting. He's entitled to his three minutes of fame and I'm entitled to consider taking up clay pigeon shooting for three minutes every four years. They can't fly that fast. I'm into old jokes today. A bloke called at the door and said, "I'm from the housing trust to do a fire check." Quick as a flash I said, "No, you're all right, mate, there isn't one." He laughed quite loud but I wasn't fooled. "How often do people say that?" "All the time but I still find it funny."

But back to bagging pigeons on the BritOlymp channel. There's to be no twenty minute bio. No post-match interview about whether the occasion had got to him and no holding back on seventeenth being in fact last place. And definitely no furrow-browed commiserations from Clare Balding. I'd rather come last in the clay pigeon shooting than be Clare Balding.
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Mick Harper
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There's been a lot of discussion lately on just how do people cope with the pressures of watching top level sport. I don't want to be old fashioned or anything but when push comes to shove, you just have to man up. For instance, it was midnight before I'd even broken the back of today's (yesterday's? tomorrow's? who voted for Japan?) events, and that was with going without either a sit-down meal or Newsnight. But there are other advantages.

Training, training, training. It's not a young man's game. If the words Anita Lonsborough don't mean anything to you it's unlikely you'll have put in the necessary miles. Can't stop... ah, but that's where you're wrong. You've got to pace yourself. After two hours even my finger on the fast forward button was beginning to twitch. So what did I do? I changed hands. Just another technique you pick up over the years. You can't read it in books. Oh no, now I really must dash. A quick blub works wonders.
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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Wiles met up with his old chum Roy Race the other day for a pint and a fag.

Anyway Roy is about to feature in a new comic, Reflection, he captains Melchester to the Uefa cup final, where they are due to face Bayern Munich, who have illegally been taking steroids. Just before the big match, in the dressing room, Roy suddenly has self doubts and his famous legs turn to jelly. Roy announces his retirement to his shocked teammates. Melchester go on to lose on penalties.

I asked Roy if he makes a come back. Roy smiled and puffed away happily. So I asked Roy if Coyote should do the same thing, to which he offered this sage advice.

"Losers should never quit they haven't earnt the right"
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Mick Harper
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We don't use the word 'Race' anymore. Nor 'fag' in either sense. Post-EU, 'pint' is deemed acceptable in context. I enjoyed your drug references -- 'jellies', 'rovers' and 'sage' -- but don't overdo it. We're trying to encourage people to stick with steroids.

Funnily enough I met 'Blackie' Grey the other month, though obviously he wasn't using that name.
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Mick Harper
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Has any sport come up with a weirder concept than the 'B' Final? This is to decide who is the best seventh, eighth....twelfth best sculler, coxless fours, Hawaiian war canoe attending the regatta. Now I can tell you from my days rowing round Greenwich lake (one and six for half-an-hour, half-a-crown for the full hour) that rowing's hard work. I refuse to believe anybody in their right mind is going to work their rollocks off to come in eighth rather than ninth. Mind you we didn't used to come in after half-an-hour so it may be bred in the bone. One time he came after us with a boat hook but don't start me off on "Why I became a socialist".
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