CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)

[Mick Harper]

They wanted to tip off civilian shipping? Got it. The offshore supply boats especially. What marks out the Chinese is that they always subtly let everybody know it's them as well. The yellow devils.

[Mick Harper]

I thought I knew everything there was to know about scooters but I did not know the French brought out a Vespa armed with a 75 mm cannon for the Algerian War. If only we'd had that at Margate '65. We had to rely on a 60,000 to 4 superiority in numbers over the rockers instead.

[Chad]

So you missed the big one in ‘64?

[Mick Harper]

No, Chad, that was a real battle. I avoided that one.

[Mick Harper]

I bought a mask today, oh boy...

[Mick Harper]

So I'm expecting a Post Office delivery -- not totally urgent but definitely soonest. It's a 'signed for' which drives me mad since putting it through the letter box is fine by me.

Saturday: Find "We tried to deliver etc" card on the mat. OK, I did fall asleep for a bit so maybe he did but when they're a bit pushed our local posties tend to save time by sticking the card through the letter box rather than wait around for you. Then it's just a bus ride and you can pick it up yourself at Paddington Main Sorting Office. I'm wise to their ways and go the "Please re-deliver" route.
Sunday: "We will redeliver it on Tuesday." Why not Monday? Because this is the Post Office, you daft twat.
Tuesday: No post (of any kind)
Wednesday: No post
Thursday: No post
Friday: No post. Get through eventually to man in Devon who says, "Ooh, I can see. Ooh, that is bad. London's been hit worst but even so. That is bad. There'll be no-one at Paddington now [it's 3 pm] but I'm going to put through a special request to see if they can make a delivery in your area tomorrow." Thank God I live among cabinet ministers. Our voice gets heard at the highest levels.

Now every other delivery company in town is up to speed (and have largely dispensed with all the signing palaver), maybe slightly extended intervals, but only the Post Office goes into meltdown because of coronavirus. Why? Because only postmen stay at home at the least excuse and they can't take on temps because it's not Christmas. All the other delivery services are on zero hour contracts etc. Not that I particularly endorse the gig economy, it's just that the Post Office (like the teachers) make it so difficult to endorse traditional employment models. One last thing:

"I'll have to go out for half an hour shopping tomorrow, I'm on lockdown. Can you tell him to put it through the letter box if necessary. I can leave a note."
"Ooh no, it's a signed-for, but you'll get a redelivery card."

[Boreades]

[Wile E. Coyote]

I am selling Wile E. Coyote masks. Folks, you no longer have to stay at home wiling away those lonely lockdown hours with my DVD sets. You can now venture out with your mask, looking like me, and then cycle into the back of a stationary bus. It's half price for the duration of the pandemic. Offer is subject to availability. Normal terms and conditions apply.

[Mick Harper]

I can see you're gagging for my side of the story. It said on the telly something about having to wear masks on public transport. I thought, "Aye, that'll catch some folks out. Not the sort of thing they sell in t'ticket machine of a Monday morning."

Scene two: I'm in the chemist's getting 'something for the weekend' if you get my drift and I spot Face masks £1. 20. "Aye, that reminds me, I could get caught out etc etc." It'll probably end up with the flippers and goggles I still haven't got round to using. I spent a good bit more than one pound twenty on them. Sharron Davies is a brand that doesn't come cheap.

[Chad]

Three quid in our Co-op... Sod that.

[Mick Harper]

I put on my trousers inside out today. There were extenuating circumstances but even so I must take it as a sign that while it is not the beginning of the end, it is the end of the beginning. Are we allowed to quote Churchill these days? I am surprised his youthful denigrators have not pointed to the fact that he (deliberately if not maliciously) killed three million Bengalis when he diverted their food supplies to the Burma Campaign in 1943. Though hardly a racist act since Bengalis are the same race as Churchill, Indo-European.

[Boreades]

[Mick Harper]

The Post Office (Part Whatever)

Friday: I'm marking it urgent, Mr Harper, so you will get a delivery tomorrow
Saturday: No post (not me, remember, we are talking our house, our street, maybe W11)
Sunday: Stop messing around. It would be triple bubble plus a day off in lieu.
Monday: No post
Tuesday: I'm marking it urgent, Mr Harper.
Will we get a delivery tomorrow?
That I can't say until we hear from Paddington.
Will you ask Paddington to phone me?
No, they're not using their phones during Covid
So can you phone me when they phone you.
No, as I say, they're not phoning us either.
So what will happen?
I will action it to the the Paddington Duty Manager who has to respond to you within 72 hours.
But not by phone?
No, by letter.

[Mick Harper]

Developments!

Not an hour after the actioning we get a delivery, first for ten days.

But not my package, nor a card saying why not, nor where it is in case I want to pick it up (I will, O God, I will, I've learned my lesson) so if anything I'm a bit further away than I was. But someone has very nicely promised everyone's now thoroughly on the warpath and the Duty Manager will be told it's to go out on Thursday if necessary via a van bearing a single man bearing my single package. The trouble with these helpful souls is they have no idea what a Duty Manager can do to someone in his catchment area who's brought his name to someone's attention.

I'm not moving, though I may change my name.

[Boreades]

Have you tried using one of those Collection/Delivery Hub things? Are there not lots of them round your way?
e.g. Amazon Lockers
https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=200742950

Round our way, it's still a bit new fangled. We don't even have a Post Office yet. But the Cynthia Payne Memorial Home gets lots of parcels delivered for its guests' personal services. We might try asking them if the rest of the village can join in.