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AE on Telly News (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Mick Harper
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Most of us have always wanted to be pirates but suffer from sea-sickness, so you will be interested in the Vice Channel's documentary about piracy on the River Danube. It doesn't sound very promising, does it, but the way it works is this. You tow a couple of four-ton water containers out to a passing oil tanker and they fill them up for you in exchange for the use of a couple of whores. So if you have a working knowledge of Serbo-Croat and a sister, get in touch.
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Mick Harper
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Domino's Coronavirus Reduced Options Menu Alert

Avoid jalapeno peppers when you're taking the buy two get one half price offer and if feels silly asking for two pepperoni passions, and you've decided on the choose-four-toppings.
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Mick Harper
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Strangely though, once the jalapenos are removed one is left with the world's best pizza (it turns out to be sausage, ground beef and onions, though it's hard to believe), yet another sign that lockdown is delivering entirely new horizons. Not that everyone is as adventurous as me.
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Mick Harper
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Van der Valk (Talking Pictures)

Syd Tafler as a senior policeman? What is this, Belgium?
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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Strangely though, once the jalapenos are removed one is left with the world's best pizza

Remove the jalapeños? ... Are you insane? ... It tastes like cardboard without the jalapeños.

Shit... isn’t that a symptom of coronavirus?
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Mick Harper
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No, it happens about once a day quite naturally.
Not if you only eat the pizza.
Why, were they undocumented?
How long have you been having these feelings about being a diagnostic psychiatrist?
Would you have been as punctilious about diacritics if it had been, say, vindaloo?
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Chad


In: Ramsbottom
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punctilious about diacritics

The ‘predictive text’ thingy offered them to me, and I thought they looked pretty.
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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"That will be the "Spicy Firecracker", but no jalapenos, double dough, sir "

"Thanks"

"Chili sauce?"

"No. Thank you"

"Salt or pepper?"

"I wouldn't want to spoil it"
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Mick Harper
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Angela Raisin (R4Extra)

I learn from her neighbour that I have been mispronouncing 'pullulate' all my life. God knows how many salons this has kept me out of.
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Mick Harper
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Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich (Netflix)

I'm only five minutes into this God-knows how long series and I am being asked to believe (or if true, being asked to fathom) that, in order to have some minor -- and not it would seem illegal -- sexual activity with a teenager, the following took place:

1. Jeffrey & Ghislane are attending the graduating exhibition at New York's premier art college
2. They persuade the Dean of the College to order one of the more attractive graduating students not to sell her paintings for $30,000 to someone else but for half that to J & G in return for unspecified future services (for the student? for the college?)
3. For the graduating student this turns out to be a job acting as a glorified commissionaire at J & G's newly established Manhattan town house
4. This student is then required to introduce her younger sisters to the town house.
5. The sixteen-year-old one is then flown out to J & G's ranch in New Mexico 'as part of a group of young persons being something or othered' to get parental approval. We are not told what with any specificity.
6. On arrival she finds herself all alone with J & G
7. She is then informed that part of this something-or-other involves bare-breasted massages with Ghislane witnessed by Jeffrey.
8. To which she consents without too much reflection on her part.
9. Now watch on.
10. OK, but it's a bit of an effort. Not quite titillating but not quite shockingly revelatory either. Sort of weirdly tawdry. It has to be remembered that the rich are only talented in becoming rich. After that it's all a bit downhill. That's why I am determined to avoid such a fate.
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Mick Harper
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The Water Boatman (Discovery Shed)

I discovered a significant fact watching this. The bloke had hitched a lift on a 'working boat' plying the canals around Brum, delivering wood and smokeless fuel. "So it is economic," I thought to myself, ecologically. But, no, it turned out that they -- and all the other 'working boats' -- each had their own patch to deliver these bulk goods to other canal boats or canalside pubs. In other words, just the simple act of having to put it on a lorry at the other end rendered canal economics futile.
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Mick Harper
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The First Team (BBC-2)

I have come to this late on account of having to keep up with Mark "Kermode" Kermode on Space Force (Netflix) which we are both enjoying immensely but are only up to Episode Four, when American series start to become self-referential, grotesquely sentimental and generally unwatchable.

The First Team (we are up to Episode One) is equally enjoyable but suffers from one very British defect. English scriptwriters are incapable of rendering English dialogue in other than received English rhythms and English actors lack the gumption to re-write their own dialogue. Thus all black characters are wooden, all foreigners are comic and all northerners are stupid. The footballers of course are all stupid too but this is intentional. Save, I was interested to note, the American lead. No doubt he benefited from a college scholarship. And possibly the intention is to sell the series to Netflix in the fullness of time.
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