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CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (NEW CONCEPTS)
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Wile E. Coyote


In: Arizona
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Mick Harper wrote:
I was just gearing myself up for Bank Holiday Monday only to discover that it's been and gone last Friday!


It was due last Monday, before being switched to last Friday. So you were a week out anyway.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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No, I took that one off for political reasons. I'm pretty hard core.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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You can easily be caught out by one of these Microsoft updates unless you're a software dude and realise that when it says it's finished and you find all your peripherals (as we call them, you probably call it a mouse and a decent-sized keyboard) are not working, then you have to restart it all over again and, after a bit more of that whirly thing, that finally does the trick.

You'd think well-known companies like Microsoft and Toshiba would get their joint act together first time straight out of the box but personally I think there's always room for the human element. Not that lay people think of us software dudes as human. More like gods. But we're not really. Just better.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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Four hundred people work at the Albert Hall? That's a hell of a lot of commissionaires. I think it's probably one of those secret Regional Seats of Government for keeping things going after the bomb drops. Odd place to put it though. Maybe they're just going to tell us the bomb has dropped and just carry on without us. Shouldn't I be one of them though? I mean, as a representative of you all, not personally. I have no particular urge to sire a new race on my own account.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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What do you do when you've run out of sugar and you've thrown out all your sweeteners in a fit of pique? Listen carefully because it could happen to you or a loved one. You make an enormous mug of Options Belgian Chocolate, which is so sickly sweet and so undrinkable you wonder whatever possessed you to buy it in the first place, and then you put it under your Nessun Dorma coffee machine loaded with an Ardenza coffee capsule (it's an eleven on a scale of one-to-ten but doesn't even fill one of those little Italian coffee cups that French flics drink from on their way to work and look a bit precious if you want my opinion, leather jacket or no leather jacket) and you're away to the races. It's still undrinkable but you're getting your caffeine quota.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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I have been sent a paper outlining some problems we may face in parts of the Home Counties when the lockdown ends

Housing shortages in urban regions: aggressive interactions at tree hollows in forest remnants.

I can't be dealing with it myself because I've been asked to join a panel convened to answer one of those perennial questions

15 years of transcriptomic analysis on endometrial receptivity: what have we learnt?

Fifteen years! I ask you, we've barely scratched the surface.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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We all love cheese balls and we are all furious that we can only eat them at Christmas. And lockdowns. So I bought a monumental bag of Tesco cheese balls for a pound. Only to discover that they don't contain any of that cheesy stuff in the middle. I think 'cheese-flavoured spheroidal corn starch' would be a more legal description but it allowed me to answer the age old question, will they spoil my tea if I eat them now. The trick is to get them down you before you are hungry.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Mick Harper wrote:
Four hundred people work at the Albert Hall?


Are they are guarding the holes that The Beatles left there as a gift from Blackburn, Lancashire. Ten per person.

I read the news today, oh boy.
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Mick Harper
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When I was managing the Bromley Odeon, same ballpark audiences, there was just the two of us though that's not counting me double-slotting as the cleaner and Gloria doing her rounds with the Kia Ora after she shut the ticket and confectionery kiosk. Oh, I suppose there was a bloke in the projectionist's cubby hole as well but nobody ever went in there. They're a bit funny. No offence.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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I've just had this dream, right, and I'm in the Middle Ages and on trial and this Grand Inquisitor type is saying I must be some kind of no-goodnik because of the electronic implant thingy (I can't remember what they're called) in my teeth. Hang on, I said to myself, how would they know that? Then I realised they had waited until I was asleep and inspected a part lower denture that I normally take out at night, thus finding the electronic thingy.

When I woke up I had a new-found respect for the intelligence of people in the Middle Ages and ran my tongue round my lower teeth to make sure it was still there. (I had fallen asleep on the sofa so the denture was still in.) There was no such thingy. I now have a much lower respect for my own intelligence.
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admin
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You may notice we are no longer using the site with the surround anymore as this was deemed unnecessary. The website should automatically redirect you to the correct page, however if this doesn't work you may need to clear your cache.

This website has guides for most major browsers:
https://clear-my-cache.com/en/windows.html

If you are having any issues with the website please email me and I'll do my best to assist
[email protected]
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Mick Harper
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"And make sure they have the christological requirements before they do," I shouted. I would love to know what the rest of the dream was about that led to such a denouement but I was so busy thinking that it would make a nice early morning post, at once impressive and self-mocking, that it's now completely gone. We may have to ban the reporting of dreams, people are rather overdoing it.
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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This Week's Guardian Sucker Competition

You are a 1930's avant-garde bookseller in Paris catering to well-heeled Anglo-American tourists and residents. In 1940 Paris is occupied by the Germans, the bottom falls out of your market and you have to close down. Which of these two reasons do you offer to posterity

a) "The bottom fell out of our market"
b) "We were forced to close by the Germans after I refused to sell our last copy of Joyce's Finnegans Wake to a Nazi officer."
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Mick Harper
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In: London
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On Coronavirus, Men Call All The Shots. It Matters Gaby Hinsliff, the Guardian

Since we all have the same access to information as Guardian columnists on lockdown, let us test this not unimportant question.

1. Decision-makers Pritti Patel is the highest ranking government figure so that's one for the 'they should stay at home and look after the kids' brigade
2. Experts (Policy Input) Although Ms Hinsliff thinks she knows the gender make-up of these bodies, none of us do, so that's a jalapeno stand-off
3. Experts (Talking Head) These are running seven-to-three in favour of men according to figures I used in compiling this sentence so that's one for the 'they should all be taken out and shot regardless of gender and only then re-employed as teachers' brigade
4. Victims Men are two and a half times more likely to die from coronavirus so that's one for Gaby.
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Boreades


In: finity and beyond
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Mick Harper wrote:
Men are two and a half times more likely to die from coronavirus .


Titania McGrath has picked-up this very issue.

https://twitter.com/TitaniaMcGrath/status/1263075254894723079

All this focus on the high mortality rate among men is a distraction from the REAL victims of Covid-19: anxious middle-class women in roll neck knitwear.

It appears to be evidence that the misogynistic patriarchy is using its privilege to die sooner than women, and leaving them to clean up afterwards. M'Lady tutted and said "Huh, typical".
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