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The True History of England, A Three Act Play (British History)
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Mick Harper
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The True History of England


Dramatis Personae

Elizabeth, a queen
James, a king
William Cecil, First Minister
Robert Dudley, a courtier
Mathew Parker, Archbishop of Canterbury
William Camden, a schoolmaster
Robert Cotton, a librarian
Jean Bodin, an historian
Jacques-Auguste de Thou, another historian
Abraham Ortelius, a geographer
Hugo Grotius, a learned man
George Buchanan, a Scotchman
George Carew, an ambassador
Isaac Casaubon, a Huguenot
Henry Howard, Earl of Northampton
Theodore de Payerne, a doctor

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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene One

William Cecil:
In such unquiet times it is necessary that men’s thoughts are guided.

Elizabeth:
My policy, you will recall since you wrote it, is not to look into men’s souls.

William Cecil:
I do not refer to religion, madam, but history.

Robert Dudley:
Who cares for history?

William Cecil:
Quite. We must make them care.

Robert Dudley:
Your history, I suppose.

William Cecil:
Our history.

Elizabeth:
You cannot command people to read history books.

William Cecil:
You cannot command people to read the Bible, yet they read little else.

Robert Dudley:
So you’re going to make your history very dull?

William Cecil:
Very English at any rate.

Elizabeth:
What’s stopping you? Do we lack bookmen?

William Cecil:
History is not, alas, very English.

Elizabeth:
Yes, I see what you mean. Do for history what my father did for religion.

William Cecil:
Exactly so.

Robert Dudley:
Changing history will be a challenge even for you, Secretary.

William Cecil:
So was changing religion.

Elizabeth:
We did not change religion, we removed imperfections.

William Cecil:
Foreign imperfections.

Robert Dudley:
And perhaps added some novelties.

Elizabeth:
Demands of state must take precedence over the word of God when He doesn’t make His purpose clear.

William Cecil:
Just so with history.

Robert Dudley:
Are you going to call in all the history books and burn them? And then ask everyone in Christendom to send you their history books?

William Cecil:
I thought you said nobody reads history books.

Elizabeth:
What do you intend to do, Mr Secretary?
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Two

William Cecil:
Our first priority is finding out what we have already.

Mathew Parker:
Not much, thanks be to your predecessor, Master Cromwell.

William Cecil:
Master indeed. But where is it all kept?

Mathew Parker:
Where is all what kept? Do you suppose despoliation involves scholars going in with kid gloves?

William Cecil:
You sound almost regretful, Archbishop. Which reminds me, the cathedrals were scarce touched.

Mathew Parker:
I wouldn’t say that but, yes, we have the library pretty much intact, such as it is.

William Cecil:
And?

Mathew Parker:
I’d have to check.

William Cecil:
Do that. In fact round up everything. If what you say is true, it shouldn't be a long job.

Mathew Parker:
Even so, we haven’t got the facilities.

William Cecil:
And we don’t want to excite too much comment. Certainly there’s to be no talk of despoliation.

Mathew Parker:
Removed to the national archives...?

William Cecil:
That will lead to talk of a different kind.

Mathew Parker:
Scholarly archives?

William Cecil:
Better. Oxford or Cambridge?

Mathew Parker:
Oh Cambridge, definitely.

William Cecil:
Let me guess, Corpus Christi?
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Ishmael


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Keep going. Very interested in your take. Mine has evolved but want to see your thinking.
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Mick Harper
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Cheers m'dear, but can you refrain from posting here? I thought sticky meant that. What does it mean? Perhaps you can lock it or whatever it takes. Post up about it on the British Forgeries thread.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Three

William Camden:
Well, it’s ninety-nine per cent estate management.

Mathew Parker:
Surely you exaggerate.

William Camden:
Yes, but not much.

Mathew Parker:
That cuts both ways, I suppose.

William Camden:
How do you mean?

Mathew Parker:
I assume it will be the same in every country.

William Camden:
I would think so. Certainly for the major Orders. But we haven’t been allowed access to the civil stuff.

Mathew Parker:
No need to worry on that score. Tell me about the one per cent.

William Camden:
Correspondence mainly. Appointments, complaints, quite a lot on relic exchanges. It’s all very administrative.

Mathew Parker:
Nothing on doctrine?

William Camden:
Papal bulls, that sort of thing? References to, mainly complaints, but that’s more your level.

Mathew Parker:
Yes, quite. How far back does it all go?

William Camden:
Hard to say. We’ve been amassing not scrutinising. It’s ‘as necessary’, as far as I can tell. Durham keeps a lot of old stuff about the Palatinate, ditto York vis a vis you, in fact when it comes to ‘ancient privileges’ it’s very much under lock and key. They won’t even cough it up to us but we’ve made notes.

Mathew Parker:
How ancient?

William Camden:
There’s the rub. If you’re having a dispute with Rochester and you haul Augustine into court, they’re going to come back with some charter from Athelstan, and you’re going to say that a Norman cartulary of Anglo-Saxon charters isn’t evidence and they’re going to say...

Mathew Parker:
Yes, all right. In fact, very much all right. You could say history’s been up for grabs since day one. That’s very interesting.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Four

Mathew Parker:
Our basic brief is to come up with an English Church.

William Camden:
I thought we’d already got that.

Mathew Parker:
Legally, yes. But religion is never much about law.

William Camden:
Not even the Mosaic Law?

Mathew Parker:
Especially not the Mosaic Law. I don’t think we’ve stoned many adulterers lately. We’re talking about what it is that fills the pews. Actually that’s not so important. It’s what fills other pews that’s important.

William Camden:
You mean incense and Latin? Hardly competition, is it?

Mathew Parker:
On the contrary, left to their own devices that’s exactly what people want. Numbers are right down. And the pressure is all the other way, less ceremony, less mumbo-jumbo.

William Camden:
Our friends on the Continent seem to be managing well enough.

Mathew Parker:
They don’t have a country to run. What works for Geneva or Munster or Amsterdam isn’t necessarily what's going to work for England.

William Camden:
Scotland?

Mathew Parker:
One rests one's case.

William Camden:
Bit of a puzzler, I can see that, but how does a specifically English Church come into the equation?

Mathew Parker:
Well, one thing we did learn from Henry is that if going to church becomes a patriotic act, then people go to church. Or at any rate, they're not so keen on going to a foreign church.

William Camden:
And that would apply to Calvinist churches as well, wouldn't it?

Mathew Parker:
It would indeed. It's all a matter of presentation.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Five

Robert Cotton:
We could use the Lollards.

William Camden:
I’m not sure that would be wildly popular in high places but go on.

Robert Cotton:
Wycliffe translates the Bible, sets up a reformed English church, gets suppressed by the Plantagenets – that’s all right, isn’t it? – goes underground, gets picked up by the Hussites in Prague, that gets suppressed by the Habsburgs – they'll like that – goes underground, gets picked up by Luther, gets kicked around a bit, we import it...

William Camden:
I’m afraid not. It has been made abundantly clear that we must have bishops. The whole apparatus in fact. ‘You can’t have a head without a body’ is the way it was put to me.

Robert Cotton:
Can’t we feed it back in somehow? Have Wycliffe saying nice things about bishops, the need for discipline, something like that.

William Camden:
They’ll never buy it. Upstairs, I mean. A church founded by hedge-priests? You’ll have him wandering round with disciples next. No, forget Protestantism. We're not swapping Rome for Zurich.

Robert Cotton:
In that case we’ll have to go all the way back pre-Norman.

William Camden:
Anglo-Saxon. That’s a definite possibility.

Robert Cotton:
Is Parker prepared to lose Augustine? If we’re going to cut the ties to Rome, I don't see....

William Camden:
He's not going to be wildly keen but let's leave that to one side for now. We're answerable to him but I get the impression there are bigger fish about.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Six

Robert Cotton:
There’s the Irish.

William Camden:
A bit political. Plus it’s been done to death.

Robert Cotton:
How do you mean?

William Camden:
We’re not the first people in the world trying to cut ties to Rome. The monastic orders have been doing it since day one.

Robert Cotton:
Don’t they answer to Rome?

William Camden:
Theoretically, but nobody minds theoretically. In practice they just want to be free from control by their local bishop -- they really do answer to Rome. So the major monasteries always claim they've been founded by Irish saints since they're the only Christians with no ties to Rome.

Robert Cotton:
And we can’t do the same?

William Camden:,
Columba, the patron saint of England? I don’t think the Queen would thank us very much for giving the rebels such a free gift.

Robert Cotton:
An English cut-out ... Cuthbert?

William Camden:
I don't think Parker would thank us very much for giving Durham a free gift.

Robert Cotton:
I thought you said...

William Camden:
Well, we might explore some sort of meld. Augustine meets Columba, that sort of thing. We don’t have any rooted objection to foreign origins per se – Christianity's not exactly from round here, is it? – it's only the development of the Church that has to be home grown.
.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Seven

Elizabeth:
Are there any home grown Churches? Preferably with bishops.

William Cecil:
Greek Orthodox of course, but I don’t think we want to get tied in with them.

Elizabeth:
Hardly the time or place, is it?

Robert Dudley:
What about Arianism? Any prospects there?

William Cecil:
It would mean a major shift in dogma, making Christ human.

Robert Dudley:
Works well enough for the Mohammedans.

Elizabeth:
Yes, that’s just what we need. Being accused of acting as a Trojan horse for Suleiman the Magnificent. Though, thinking about it, it would open up foreign policy opportunities.

Robert Dudley:
Cuts across our outreach to Muscovy.

William Cecil:
It’s a non-starter. If you will forgive me for saying so, majesty, we’ve already got a woman as the head of the Church, which is something of a novelty. I don’t think we should be contemplating making further changes at the top.

Elizaberth:
No, in fact the less change the better. That's always been our policy.

Robert Dudley:
While being distinctive.

William Cecil:
Not too distinctive. We'll need to tie up with the Protestants. We can’t afford to be too schismatic.

Elizabeth:
Well, what are they doing? They must be ... um ... emphasising their non-Roman roots.

William Cecil:
A lot of them are playing the Irish card.

Elizabeth:
God’s teeth. All right, take another look at it.

.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Eight

Mathew Parker:
Well, gentlemen, we have been given the green light for an Irish Solution but with two provisos: the Irish must get written out of the story as expeditiously as possible and there must be a distinctively English dimension.

William Camden:
That shouldn’t be difficult. We’re the only country that has Ireland on its doorstep.

Robert Cotton:
Except Scotland. They’re even closer.

Mathew Parker:
Yes, I’ve had special guidance about Scotland. Leave them out of the picture entirely, it’s a bit touch-and-go up there.

Robert Cotton:
Really? Cut and dried, is what I hear. Unless you know something different.

Mathew Parker:
It’s something complicated about the succession. Just don’t mention Scotland until further notice, all right?

William Camden:
We'll have to get them from Iona to Northumbria in one hop then.

Mathew Parker:
Leave Durham out of it if you can.

Robert Cotton:
York?

Mathew Parker:
York are out too.

William Camden:
Leave the details to us. It’s keeping it English that’s the hard part. Remember, there’s a slew of countries out there claiming that Irish missionaries converted them to Christianity.

Robert Cotton:
But not us! Surely that’s the point. Saxony can’t claim to be Irish-Christian, it can only claim to have monasteries that were founded by Irish Christians. We can actually be Irish Christian from the off.

Mathew Parker:
That sounds rather too Irish for comfort.

William Camden:
Leave the details to us.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Nine

William Camden:
We are going to be constrained to some extent by what’s out there.

Robert Cotton:
Haven’t we rounded all that up?

William Camden:
In the first place, ‘not necessarily’. We don’t want old stuff constantly dribbling out contradicting the new. In the second place, out there includes the whole of Europe so we’ll be a laughing stock if their combined version makes a mockery of ours.

Robert Cotton:
I think you might be overestimating people’s capacity for holding contradictory versions but, yes, I agree we’re going to have to take the broad picture into account.

William Camden:
Which is this monastic business about Irish missionaries out and about their wonders to perform.

Robert Cotton:
Largely fictitious in the first place, surely?

William Camden:
Wholly fictitious for all I know but that’s what people believe so we can’t just wish it away. It seems to me less a question of suppressing stuff as creating new stuff that guides the old stuff in a new direction.

Robert Cotton:
In that case we've got one thing going for us. The people who brought us it all in the first place are sitting around on state pensions with nothing else to do now the monasteries are gone.

William Camden:
Don’t be too optimistic. They must be getting a bit long in the tooth. Besides it’s a long time since they’ve had to do anything very much in that line.

Robert Cotton:
It's the skill set we're after.

William Camden:
Yes, we'd better round them up too.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Ten

William Cecil:
In broad terms, we need to set up an organisation that has a private aspect and a public aspect.

Francis Walsingham:
Technically, that means three aspects.

William Cecil:
Explain.

Francis Walsingham:
Well, take the Secret Service. That has a public aspect – everybody knows it exists – but if a member of the public needs, for whatever reason, to contact it, they must know how to contact it.

William Cecil:
I don’t see why. They’d just trot along to their local JP or MP or whatever, wouldn’t they?.

Francis Walsingham:
Precisely. JP’s and MP’s are members of the public, as far as we're concerned. Unless you want us to enrol them all.

William Cecil:
I see what you mean. But then presumably they’ll contact you or one of your minions.

Francis Walsingham:
Minions, are they? But yes one way or the other we’ll get to hear.

William Cecil:
So that’s the public and private part. What’s this third aspect?

Francis Walsingham:
We have no executive function. There’s no point in dashing around acquiring secret knowledge for its own sake. We have to be told what to do. That’s the third aspect.

William Cecil:
That’s just the government, surely?

Francis Walsingham:
Just the government! Would you like me to enrol JP’s, MP’s, everyone who works in the departments of state, all our ambassadors ... shall I go on?

William Cecil:
Just the Privy Council I would have thought.

Francis Walsingham:
Oh really. I can assure you nothing would remain secret very long if we did.

William Cecil:
Just me?

Francis Walsingham:
Fine, but I must warn you it’s a full time job.

William Cecil:
Just you?

Francis Walsingham:
No thanks, I’ve already got a full-time job. Running the Secret Service. I’d prefer leaving running the country to you and your minions.

William Cecil:
So what is needed?

Francis Walsingham:
An outer ring, an inner ring and an inner inner ring.

William Cecil:
So the Secret Service has an inner inner ring?

Francis Walsingham:
I wouldn’t know, I’m just the head of the inner ring. I report to you, presumably you do something with it all. I hope it’s not just some private hobby of yours, acquiring secret intelligence.

William Cecil:
Well, I discuss it with the Queen of course...

Francis Walsingham:
I hope not! It’ll be all round the Court in five minutes. The juicy stuff. And her eyes will glaze over in five minutes if it isn’t juicy.

William Cecil:
Yes, I admit, it’s more complicated than that. An inner inner ring, I’ve never thought about it in those terms.

Francis Walsingham:
If you do start thinking about it, be sure to tell the Queen. I’ll know if you don’t.
.
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Act One, Scene Eleven

William Cecil:
It’s to be called the Elizabethan Society of Antiquaries.

Elizabeth:
Is it now? I wouldn’t like people to start associating me with antiqueness. There’s a limit to what face powder can do.

Robert Dudley:
Your majesty is wearing face powder?

William Cecil:
I can assure you very few people will know of the Society’s existence.

Elizabeth:
You mean a secret society? Does Walsingham know?

William Cecil:
He came up with the general scheme. No, it’s not secret but nor is it to be much bruited about.

Elizabeth:
Sounds intriguing. Am I to be a member?

William Cecil:
It would not be meet.

Robert Dudley:
Am I?

William Cecil:
No, and nor am I. It’s purely a group of people interested in antiquaries. Simply put.

Elizabeth:
And not simply put?

William Cecil:
There is ... an executive side to the Society which is more concerned with ... arranging the antiquaries.

Elizabeth:
Removing the inconvenient ones and ... er ... finding more convenient ones.

William Cecil:
Quite so. The Society itself will discuss, even publish, things of a more general, possibly less sensitive, nature. As a body with your majesty's name attached, it will need ready access to everything to carry out its work.

Elizabeth:
I suppose you know all this has been done before.

William Cecil:
Your majesty?

Elizabeth:
Where did you think all those arguments with the Sorbonne came from at the time of The Divorce? Whether the Pope had the power to grant exemptions re the Catherine marriage and to annul it, and all the rest.

Robert Dudley:
Not from the archives presumably.

Elizabeth:
On the contrary. They all did. It was just Wolsey refused to look hard enough.
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Mick Harper
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Act One, Scene Twelve

William Camden:
It’s to be the Irish Solution, as amended.

Robert Cotton:
Good. But there’s still the tabula rasa aspect.

William Camden:
Mary, Mother of Christ! We don’t have to go back to Adam-and-Eve.

Robert Cotton:
No, but we do have to go back to the Romans.

William Camden:
Well, yes, theoretically but can’t we lose that in the mists of time?

Robert Cotton:
Of course we can if that’s how you want to play it, but tabula rasas can cut both ways. If we’re portraying the Irish as just a passing fad, we’re going to have to say something about what they’re passing through.

William Camden:
Just a bunch of hairy-arsed pagans. That’s what the Germans do.

Robert Cotton:
Sure, but they’re not setting up a German Church, are they? They’ve got their Founding Fathers – Luther, Calvin, Zwingli and whatnot – and then they can make a thing about how modern it all is. We’re doing the exact opposite. Or at least that’s how I understood the brief.

William Camden:
I’m not convinced it's necessary but how do you propose plugging the gap? End of Rome until the Anglo-Saxons go Christian.

Robert Cotton:
Well, I hate to say it, but the French have shown us the way with their History of the Franks ... Gregory of Tours ... sixth century.

William Camden:
That’s a new one on me.
.
Robert Cotton:
It’s a new one on everybody.
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